I am so glad you have replied to me. You offer me such hope and give me strength. As for the blame, I have accepted my part. her's is simply this, she drank and got overly flirtatious. Being a jealous person, the influence of alcohol and her flirting was sending me over the edge. I felt as if she did it just to piss me off. I do not blame her for this. I have reflected on my behavior and wish we had spoken about it prior to the bomb. It was very eye opening and sad. I cried very hard when I looked at myself through her eyes and saw what I had become. I am the opposite of that if you can believe it. I feel her A is going to end and it is going to be a train wreck for her. I have told her on several occasions, I am here for you, always was, always will be. I don't push it. She called last night looing for me. She needed me to transfer a couple of dollars to her account. Like 10 bucks. Told herI couldn't do it till morning. I went to my daughters to do some work and took my son with me. She text me 3xs during the night. About only having 5 bucks in the account, can't you transfer over the computer. I told my son, I got the feeling she was trying to see if I was home. Well sure enough, I got home and my youngest daughter told me she called about 7 o'clock looking for me. My daughter told her I was out, not where. I have told my kids to keep my coming and goings a mystery to her. they love it. She text me at 7:10 PM, 9:00 PM and again at 9:20 PM. She was most likely at her girlfriends where she is staying. I have delayed my responses to her deliberately. I did respond to her 7 o'clock text at a little before 9. She responded immediately. I waited 20 minutes and responded to the 9 o'clock text. she responded immediately. I finaly told her I couldn't do anything until this morning and that was that. I found this odd until my daughter talked to me later. My son was laughing his ass off. He is mama's boy and is not happy with her right now.

Her check is in the bank and I have not transferred the 10 she requeted. really don't see the need. Sjhe was supposed to contact me regarding the brakes in her car. I did tell her tuesday morning to call me Wednesday night or thursday afternoon. She said, "I'll come by thursday night around 6 so you can look at it" Told her to call I may not be home. She asked if I had plans and I told her , not yet, but you never know lately. I am really not expecting a phone call, but my kids think wshe will most likely text me. Again, I think when she speaks to me she breaks down emotionally. I am extremely calm lately. this is not me, it was who I was back in high school. Spoke softly but was very mysterious, real tough guy and very popular. I know she put up walls, but one of her friends thinks i cracked it when I spoke with her about her financial situation last Wednesday night. I'd like to thik that. Since last Wednesday she seems to reach out to me every day or two , really about nothing. why she needed 10 dollars last night is a prime example. Her check goes in the bank at 9, she works less than 10 minutes away from where she works. Her girlfriends definitely would have given her 10 dollars till tonight. Don't like reading into it , but it is kinda funny.

Anyway something else is happening and I'd like your opinion. There is a woman at my campground who apparently has a thing for me. there is a banquest saturday for the end of the season. She is going with her mother, who was taking the other daughter. From what I was emailed this morning, some lan has been in place for a couple of weeks for her to end up at my table, next to me. I like to dance and raise hell, even withut drinking. she likes to dance also. she is very good looking, not as nice as the wife, but definitely good looking. I am flattered that she has put this kind of effort together and have no problem dancing with her and hanging out at the fire afterwards. But....I am told the weekend is going to be GOOD for me...I am almost hesitant to go...People have been telling me I look great, I do actually, sounds vain, but I really do, Richard Gere kinda looks from what I'm told. The thing I am afraid of is that I feel emotionally vulnerable at this point. If I spend time with her and I feel myself slide, I could end up starting something I don't want to start b/c it would potentiually hurt my recociliation. On the other hand, I feel if I don't take this oportunity head on, I will not know if I really want what I want. Sounds weird, but almost like what she is going through. Am I wrong? Again thanks, you are awesome, this whole site is awesome. And I have taken hold of my responsibility in this, square on the chin. she does need to look at her end other than she was drinking too uch and partying. she needs to see herself through my eyes to understand how and why i got to where I was. Thanks,