Believe me, many, many, many of us have been where you are now. He's not having any original ideas. It's like they read from a textbook.
Not to be the harbinger of doom, but consider the affair possibility seriously. Not saying it's happening or that it will. I am saying, experience suggests it's not unlikely. Just remember that it's all about him in his head. It's all about his issues. You're working on you. You're looking for your own shortcomings. Him . . . not so much.
And you can't control anything but you. So, time to worry about only you. What are you doing to get a life of your own back? What are you doing to protect yourself? THESE are the things you need to worry about now.
Thanks for mentioning the textbook thing! Yesterday for the first time I got the INILWY speech. It didn't even bother me as I KNEW it would be coming. I also got the "I'm not sure now if we were EVER happy speech". I understand this is typical script as well! In a way it's funny how clueless they all are, and how much knowledge the rest of us have. I think that all of us who DO end up divorced should promptly marry each other :).
To be honest the idea of him having an affair doesn't bother me too much, as long as it's not in our house in our bed. I really DON'T think he would do this as it's not his style, but if he does it's likely to be 1-night stands since he seems to be incapable of emotional attachment. It's weird but I am more bothered by him hating marriage than by the idea of him cheating on me. Internet porn and all of that--I don't care a bit.
If he did this and I found out, I think it might help me 1)clarify what I really do want and 2)detach and move on in either case
I am struggling with what I want to do for myself. I really do need some inspiration as the multi-country thing is just not working for me at the moment. I need to decide where I am going to live, whether I am going to stay at my job, how much effort I am going to put into this dying M, etc. In terms of protecting myself, like I said I hate to be manipulative, but I am not going to tell H how much stock money I get, and will probably start putting some of it aside. If all works out then great, we'll have savings. If it doesn't, then I will have a way to escape.
I just keep feeling like something is going to give me clarity, but nothing has. I feel like there IS a right next move, but I just don't know what it is. I know if I lived with H it would save the marriage, but I know on principle he will not let this happen.
So hopefully I will be able to talk to Jody really soon and she can give me her suggested next steps. Once I know what I will be doing living sitch-wise, I can focus on the rest of it all...
One thing I AM going to do is go to a conference in Valencia. H thinks I should give it up, but I will NOT give it up even if it costs money. I am going to drink sangria, have other men flirt with me, and not be online for a few days :).
ITH
Me:34 H:36 M:5 years T: 8 years Bomb: 07/17/08 I want to be separated for 6 months--I don't know what I want the outcome to be S 07/28/08-11/08/08 Living together ~7 months D Possibly busted?!?!!!
OMG!! ITH - I thought I was reading my own mind from months ago when I first got those speeches. I wished then that there was some real explanation I figured at least if there was another woman then it would seem more logical.
Now when I think about it I am too jealous and could not handle another woman. Even now if I found out that during the S that he was with someone else then that would be the breaking point for me because I do not think I would be able to trust him.
Did you get the same mean speeches as I did? I'm rereading the "MLC guide for dummies" link right now and it's pretty funny. Most of the things H is saying fit it, things like the following:
Chapter 5
History Revision
It is very important that you revise the life you have lead with your spouse. You must use words like: Always, Ever, Never and All of the Time. Always precede the statement with the terms: you, I, and we. As in "you always nag me" "I never ever (double bonus here) get to do what I want" and "We have to do what you want all of the time". This will help to make your spouse feel like the way you are behaving is all their fault, and can cause them to feel even worse about themselves than they already did!!
Funniest thing in my H's IM from yesterday was when he talked about not being able to live with me, and he repeated it 3 times like a little kid:
"I cannot, I cannot, I cannot".
So right now finding it humorous. Not sure how long this will last!
ITH
Me:34 H:36 M:5 years T: 8 years Bomb: 07/17/08 I want to be separated for 6 months--I don't know what I want the outcome to be S 07/28/08-11/08/08 Living together ~7 months D Possibly busted?!?!!!
Oh yes, Major History Revision. He told me at one point to remind him of a time when we ever were happy. I was like "what are you crazy?" I like an idiot started to tell him of times and he just looked at me like I was crazy.
I got the ILYBNILWY, He needs to be free and see what it's like to be on his own as he never has before, I nag too much, I'm controlling, I AM THE CRAZY one <---I love that one the most!! I'm greedy because I expected him to pay half of the bills (How dare I, I should have thought about him needing money to hang out with his friends).
Remember I'm greedy because I am going on this crazy shopping trip (business trip to my company's headquarters!).
Yes my H needs to be able to "stand on his own 2 feet, and to get to know himself." Hmm he's not very nice these days, guess getting to know himself better explains why he's not too happy!
I like this quote from the Dummies Guide too...
Chapter 9 I Don't have to if I Don't Want to and You Can't Make Me!
Remember that this is about YOU, and what YOU want and how YOU feel!! No one else is important, so don't let them make you feel as if you have to listen to anything they say. Your spouse will try to help you of course, because they love you. Don't let them get away with giving you unwanted advice. Let them know in the teenage vernacular, that they can't make you do anything. This is important, you must be as childish as possible!! Any truly adult behavior on your part will only convince them that you are listening to what they are saying, and you will have to start back at the beginning. Of course, this technique can be used knowingly to cause more confusion and chaos, just beware of the danger, you don't actually want to start acting like an adult!!
ITH
Me:34 H:36 M:5 years T: 8 years Bomb: 07/17/08 I want to be separated for 6 months--I don't know what I want the outcome to be S 07/28/08-11/08/08 Living together ~7 months D Possibly busted?!?!!!
LMAO!!! That is too funny but oh does it sound like an good instructional manual for them.
Yes he has softened over the past few months. I no longer pressure him with R talks and never bring up the money situation anymore. I have figured he wants to be on his own then I can not help him and he is not obligated to help me. It has been VERY tight since soon after he left I was demoted and my income decreased. I have a second job now to compensate the difference.
I have noticed that he lingers more now and engages in misc chit chat more also.
Me:34 H:36 M:5 years T: 8 years Bomb: 07/17/08 I want to be separated for 6 months--I don't know what I want the outcome to be S 07/28/08-11/08/08 Living together ~7 months D Possibly busted?!?!!!
I think I am at Stage 1.75..lol Not quite stage 2 yet as I am not sure if we are able to hang out for a day or go to the movies, etc yet. The anger is gone and there is more communication besides business that needs to be dealt with.
I am a little nervous about pushing for some time together as I am scared that he will get scared but I will try to inch forward here and there. Once we actually start spending time together then I think we will officially be in Stage 2.
ITH: Hostility? Have you read my posts??? LOL At six months, H and I were in the same place you and your H are at right now.
I can't tell you what started him talking to me. Maybe it was the praying. I think that helped, because it gave me an outlet so that I was not bugging him as much, but at the same time, I was still working on my marriage. I didn't go dark, but went dim. It did not work right away. It took alot of time. And even now, I have to be careful.
I think it is about finding your center. Finding what works for you to make you feel better. I think the thing we do is depend on our S's to make us better. H started talking more to me when I was okay with myself. That is a powerful attraction.
I think that is why DBing is really about working on you. The more okay you are with yourself, the happier you are in your own skin, the more attractive that is. I have gotten to a place where I still miss H, but my entire life does not revolve around his thoughts. I have discovered that being good to myself, and enjoying my life with or without him has two pluses: I know I can go on without him. I don't want to, but I can. It has also made him more comfortable with me. He talks to me about all kinds of stuff now. So I think by not worrying so much about your H, and really starting to think about you, it does work.
Im still standin better than I ever did looking like a true survivor feeling like a little kid Im still standin after all this time and Im picking up the pieces of my life without you on my mind..
ITH