H moving out!! Crisis I need help

[TxMomw/2girls]

T2L - this article is great... is it a bad thing to send it to my H ???? He falls into the "romantic affair" and it nails it on the head.... I might send this to the OW and him.... HA!!! although I'm sure he wouldn't read it.

thanks again... more updates later today - got to go shower...

[saffie]

Tx,

Personally I wouldn't send your H the article.....he will just dent that it relates to him. It took quite a while even after my H had ceased his A for him to be able to look at it with any sort of reason. I guess it probably took around a year before he could talk about it all sensibly. One day he eventually laughed and said that he had always thought of himself as being an original sort of guy....and now he realised that everything he did, in having his A, was so stereotypical!!! At the time though he could never have seen that.

Gather whatever information you can and use it to help yourself get through this awful time; sharing it however with your H is unlikely to better your cicumstances unfortunately.

[TxMomw/2girls]

thank you - I will definitely reconsider... especially as my situation and his A is still so new he won't see it with reason as you mentioned ... he will only think it is my way of controlling him or trying to get him to do something he doesn't want to do.

so frustrating.... waiting and hoping that he'll hit "rock bottom" or see the "light" sooner than later...

I can only control me and choose to make changes in me.. I'm working on" letting go" but boy is it hard.

[Trying2live]

Don't send it. When they are in the fog there is no amount of reasoning that can be done. I have learned that all normal common sense goes out the door. It would be to your disadvantage if you send it. It's in the no questions category.

They don't want to hear it and actually they have a conscience they know what they are doing is wrong but because of the addiction(I learned about the addiction from the book Surviving an Affair by Willard Harley) aspect they do not care. You can't really reason with an addict. There may be a time when you can but that's not for a long while yet.

[lost_in_space]

so frustrating.... waiting and hoping that he'll hit "rock bottom" or see the "light" sooner than later...

Tx

Don't mean to discourage you, but do not fool yourself that there is a quick fix. This is a marathon, not a sprint. (I have been told that many times.) Prepare yourself for what could be a long process - for as long as you choose to stick with it...

Take care.

[TxMomw/2girls]

That is the question I ask myself almost every day... could I really ever forgive him? Would I really be able to trust again?.

And the longer the A goes on the harder that will be. But as mentioned so many times I still need to work on myself, do my 180 for me and future relationships, and if he comes back around I can decide then.

He is seeing his lawyer tomorrow, he told me he wants to sit tight at least till the first of the year. I asked him to please do that as I can't handled going down the divorce process right now. (remember I filed my petition and gave to him to hold all status quo) We'll see how that goes...

He has been staying with OW this week and said he is trying to figure out where he can stay without spending a lot of money. He is trying to show me that he is responsible at least with the girls and wanting to help out when I ask or when he can.

He did share with me that he hasn't told anybody when people ask how his wife and kids are doing .. he is saying "they are doing good". He then asked me - if I was ok for him to tell people that we are separated now. What a joke... I'm like you need to be telling them you are having an A with a 25 yr old and you abbandoned your family.. of course I didn't say this to him I just listened but that is what I was thinking. If he was so proud he would have no problem sharing that info...

T2L I think you had asked me once about the disclosure... obviously he has no intentions of sharing his A with anyone... He is at a function tonight with all his sales reps and she'll be there (she is one of the sales reps)... I somehow want someone to know at work what is going on so they will be exposed... thoughts on this? I of course don't want it coming from me though... I think people would start holding them accountalbe. The mystery is what will keep this so exciting for them.

Anyhow, today is the first day I have not cried in the last 30 days, and I'm actually in a good mood. I told myself when I talked to him this morning that I would be upbeat and that helped. All of you who have been encouraging has really helped me this week with him moving out... so I thank you.

H is watching the girls tomorrow night and I'm going to dinner and drinks (lots of them) with a girlfriend ... so I'm excited that I do have plans....

thoughts on the disclosure and how to go about it???

[hope3343]

Hi TxMom, I am struggling with disclosure also. My H is having an A with one of his direct reports. As you know he won't admit it, he has only told me he cheated because if it is disclosed at work they both would be fired. He is moving out 10/1 to a furnished apt. I think that if OW did not work for him he would move in there. We are telling our Ds tonight. If either of them asks if H is "going out with someone", I am going to say you have to ask Daddy. If he lies I will tell them "Daddy has cheated". As far as work we are not going to say anything for the next few months. In one way it is good because I do not want to deal with the gossip of co-workers since we work together. In another I don't to give him cover to carry on his A. Tough call.

If you had a good friend that you could trust going to the sales rep meeting, then you can let them expose it. What you have going for you is that the OW is only 25 and H is 40 with 2 very small children. 25 year olds do not want to deal with baggage and are very much into the moment. This A does not have a good chance of lasting. Also one of the people on T2L thread found on either My Space or FACE book the web page for the OW. She lists all kind of stuff about the A because they are young and stupid. Good chance there might be something up -- investigate. My H OW is turning 51 Saturday and has had plastic surgery and a good body. I would be more relived if H was going out with a much younger woman. This OW wants to get her hooks into my H because he is a manager and makes good money. This started off as emotional affair and grew physical while my D and I were visiting family for 2 weeks during the summer. All the signs were there of a MLC and I missed them.

So glad you are going out. I cried rivers. I have good days and bad days. The next week will be awful but I will do my best to continue to work on myself. I need to be there for my Ds. I tell you without these threads I would be a huge mess. There is so much encouragement and good advice it does help. take care.
Also just to let you know I am in TX also - Corpus

[I'mstillhopeful]

Although my H and I are childless our situations are quite similar. When he was first deciding to turn his back on our marriage he was so cold and uncaring I could not believe it was the same man who had told me that he cherished me. It was only two years ago when his anniversary card included the message, "Happy 23rd and I hope we have many, many more."

All the changed when the MOW confided in him about her marriage, spent time with him, told him she loved him and he succumbed. Believe me, when H turns into an alien it is so much easier when they are out of the house. As yours did my H said he wanted to live on his own, have his own space, and cook the food he likes to eat.

During the summer I periodically dissolved into tears of grief, I wasn't lonely but I missed him and the routines and rituals we have shared for so many years. I followed my DB coach's advice and worked on getting a life. I never thought it would be possible to honestly feel that I will be ok without him. (Not hard when I remembered that he was so nasty while he was home and couldn't wait to leave to meet with the OW. I knew he telephoned her on his way home at night and sat in the car continuing the conversation before he came in.)

Well, after a summer of not being very available to him, yet being upbeat and friendly when we did have contact, he is being more like his former self. He is interested in what I have been doing and appears to be showing just a little bit of caring.

So, don't lose faith just know that there will be some difficult times ahead. Try not to think that you are being placed in a situation that you did not ask for. Time is your friend. The OW will show her true self before too long. Don't give your H any reason to justify leaving the M and he may remember why you were married for such a significant time.

[TxMomw/2girls]

Hi Hope3343...

I think disclosure is important... I know I'm part of a group here locally http://www.beyondaffairs.com has local support groups and most the ladies I've talked to said they did expose there H and the OW and even talked with the OW.... part of the excitment is the sneaking around.

I know plenty of people where the OW works but I don't know how to get her manager to know... I thought of having a friend call and leave a voice mail about them... I really want my H boss to find out.. I don't think he'll get fired (not sure) but I would think his boss would talk wtih him about it.

Once it is in the open they can't hide.... and our H have to be accountable. Tough decision...

would love to hear if anyone has gone down this path...

[Trying2live]

I am currently asking for some input on that, so I am able to give you more info.
Yes the group is exactly right. Exposure is so important because it takes away from the excitement, mystery and fantasy land of sneaking around. Then once more people find out, there is strain on the relationship and isn't as fun as it was. Once that's all gone, these betrayers will realize that men or women are all the same and have universal needs and act universally the same and that hey maybe my W or H wasn't so bad.

I have heard where you dress nicely and go into the boss or owner of the company and behind closed doors you tell them and you say you would like to try and salvage your marriage and reconcile if possible.

I went into the office of my H employer when I picked up the paycheck that next day. Told the secretary and 2 office girls, told H whole family, my whole family , all our very close church friends, the OW fiance. I told them all. I would have went to her parents too if I knew where they lived. I figured I already lost my husband why the heck should I care about whether or not they are upset with me. She has seen me in passing with my children at the office and she could have cared less. She still had the A with my husband.
So take the excitement out of it. It's only way for as much as I've read. I am waiting on some more info and will post it for you once I get it.