Working on believing in miracles

[istherehope]

Hi BH,

Thanks for mentioning the textbook thing! Yesterday for the first time I got the INILWY speech. It didn't even bother me as I KNEW it would be coming. I also got the "I'm not sure now if we were EVER happy speech". I understand this is typical script as well! In a way it's funny how clueless they all are, and how much knowledge the rest of us have. I think that all of us who DO end up divorced should promptly marry each other :).

To be honest the idea of him having an affair doesn't bother me too much, as long as it's not in our house in our bed. I really DON'T think he would do this as it's not his style, but if he does it's likely to be 1-night stands since he seems to be incapable of emotional attachment. It's weird but I am more bothered by him hating marriage than by the idea of him cheating on me. Internet porn and all of that--I don't care a bit.

If he did this and I found out, I think it might help me 1)clarify what I really do want and 2)detach and move on in either case

I am struggling with what I want to do for myself. I really do need some inspiration as the multi-country thing is just not working for me at the moment. I need to decide where I am going to live, whether I am going to stay at my job, how much effort I am going to put into this dying M, etc. In terms of protecting myself, like I said I hate to be manipulative, but I am not going to tell H how much stock money I get, and will probably start putting some of it aside. If all works out then great, we'll have savings. If it doesn't, then I will have a way to escape.

I just keep feeling like something is going to give me clarity, but nothing has. I feel like there IS a right next move, but I just don't know what it is. I know if I lived with H it would save the marriage, but I know on principle he will not let this happen.

So hopefully I will be able to talk to Jody really soon and she can give me her suggested next steps. Once I know what I will be doing living sitch-wise, I can focus on the rest of it all...

One thing I AM going to do is go to a conference in Valencia. H thinks I should give it up, but I will NOT give it up even if it costs money. I am going to drink sangria, have other men flirt with me, and not be online for a few days :).

ITH