shiraz, shyrah, syrah ... whatever. I like the bit of spiciness.
Actually, a tasting is a good idea. I've gone to one before and it was really interesting to have someone who is knowledgeable lead you through the subtleties of tasting wine. I could probably do with a refresher course.
Slowly taking control of things again. Email from XW last night - there's a retreat at work (we work in the same place) and she asked if I wanted her to stay away.
I wrote back and said we're both adults and it was as important for her to be there as for me to be there. I then said that I was sorry I couldn't be around her, but I felt hurt by her unwillingness to do anything to reconnect even when she was in turmoil about ending things, that I felt hurt by her asking me to wait while she started a relationship with someone else, and that I felt hurt that she portrayed our 12 years together as a bad mistake she made because she was young and naive. I then said I realized I wasn't perfect and had a lot to learn and that she is who she is and that she'd probably never be patient or understanding in the way I needed. And that was okay - I was sorry we couldn't give each other what was needed.
I ended by telling her I still very much cared for her, I had made a commitment that was hard to cast aside, but with time and distance I'd be able to remove her from my innermost self. I can handle business interactions with her and be cordial, but friendship is based on trust, respect, and companionship and I've begun questioning whether we ever had those things. It was hard for me seeing ever regaining that and being friends. I ended by saying that, with time, we'd move to a place where we'd forgotten we ever had an intimate relationship.
So, I don't know. Maybe I feel too much the victim, but I'd never explicitly said those things and it felt good to do so. Our relationship really has faded in my mind, at least, compared to where I was at a few months ago. It's creating the new memories and feeling filled with positive energy that seems hit-or-miss right now.
But time will do wonders. The last thing I probably need is another self-help book, but I picked up Dr. Phil's Self Matters a while ago. I don't have much time for it, but I've been thinking through some of the exercises and it has helped with the self-esteem. I'm going to keep concentrating on that - leave the rest behind.
