JUST USED LRT-WHAT DO I DO NOW???

[Sanderika]

H just called me.....

Wanted to know if we needed to move some money to make sure it was safer. We decided not to.

H said he got the certified/registered D papers back. H said he is still on the fence and does not know what to do. I asked him what he wanted. He said he doesn't know except that He doesn't want to live the way he was 3 years ago. My depression was rubbing off on him then. I knew it then and don't disagree with him now. He said he won't live depressed for anyone ever. He said he doesn't want to live the way he is now.

He asked me why I was so sure I wanted him and my life back. And I told him as best I could. It is so huge that explaning it all never seems to sound right. He asked my why I was so sure I wouldn't get depressed again. I said let's call it a live and learn experience. I know the signs and I like who I am now. I didn't like her or being her. I told him I have matured and I live with love, care, concern, respect, kindness and am much more relaxed about my feelings, thoughts and actions. I told him through personal growth I have been able to get back to the real me and I will not ever let her back in my life. I told him it was hell living the way I did.

I told him how I feel about him and asked him how he really feels about me. I told him he has never really said. I told him I thought that he liked me now and did not harbor any hateful thoughts or feelings about me. He said I was right about that but still would not expel on other feelings.

I told him that together we have always been able to move mountains and overcome every adversity that came our way. I told him that I feel that we could overcome this too. I said it will take time but the rewards will be there. I said that in order to do this we would have to go into it with want, care, communication and respect.

I explained that I have shown my dedication and intent. I have not dated or seen other men. I am still here because of my love, devotion and respect and value.

He said he is going to make a decision one way or another. He said it is coming fast.

He wanted to know why I am so happy now and that I wasn't with him. I explained that I am happy now because I like who I am. I am not happy living without him in my life. I explained the pain and turmoil I live with. I told him I would be happier and could continue my personal growth easier with him back home and that I would not have to live in uncertainty and turmoil every day. I told him that I was happy with him but that depression overruled my life and became a cancer. I told him that it happened and that I didn't see it coming. It started by making mountains out of molehills and letting everything become a problem everything emotional and physical and tangible. I became trapped in self pity and hatred. It all festered and mushroomed and then I only would face reality when I had lost the most important thing in my life and that was my husband and marriage.

I don't know if I did more harm than good. It is all out of context. Is the fact that he is asking a good thing? Is it just as simple as having conversation that makes it a good thing? Have I scared him off for good?

We got cut off on the phones.....There was no goodbye....I am left here to wonder and now am nervous.

Sorry I rambled so...I typed as fast as the conversation raced through my head.