JUST USED LRT-WHAT DO I DO NOW???

[naej]

Sandrika, I have to say listen to Barb. Get a lawyer now, if not for you for your son.
As much as I know you don't want a D. Unless you have private means and are prepared to loose out on your share of marital assets you really need to get immediate legal advice.
If nothing has changed after all this time it's highly unlikely it will have by Thursday.
IMO you are definately not in the driving seat. Nor is the OW, you are not married to her and she owes you no loyalty, put your feelings about her antics out of your head(so hard I know when they are not nice people) but it seems to count for nothing in a court of law.
Please take care.

[KarenMarieS]

Sandrika
Please listen to Barb, shes right. Get to a L now- believe me when I rec'd the D papers from my ex, I didnt want to do anything but burn them! but you CAN NOT, you have to act on them, I had 30 days- its to protect you, and your S! think of everything you have worked for , for your family and your boy and realize, right now your H isnt thinking clear, or he is and he just dosnt care!

You can still DB even during a D!or after if you wish, but please please protect yourself. I went to a L and I think my ex knew I would, its basically a given. I still DBed thru out and even up till the D.

Protecting yourself is not giving up on your M, its just that protecting yourself


(( Sandrika )) we just want you and S to be ok. We care about you

[BarbieDoll]

Sanderika:

Everyone gave you excellent advice - even 2 weeks ago. But we had no way of knowing that your H would go dark on you. Seriously, no one has a crystal ball. I would have paid big bucks for one when I was in your shoes.

You are sweet. You are NOT a burden to any of us here. We want to help you. But you really have to act this time.

Just because you contact a lawyer does NOT mean you have to get a divorce. In truth, my divorce lawyer told me straight out that he didn't think I needed one at all. What I DID need was a financial agreement. That's it. You could go the rest of your life without a divorce. It took me forever to realize that getting the finances sorted and getting the D were 2 separate things. Eventually I CHOSE to get divorced. That was what I finally decided I needed for me. But you are not me. And you call the shots here. But you DO need protection from a moron who does not want to support you and his child.

Now, call back this time and make that appointment. And hurry. You might not get in by Thurs. You have to act NOW.

Barb

[Sanderika]

Hi all,

First, Thank you Barb, naej and KarenMarieS soooo much for your replies.

I just got off the phone with my attorney.

I explained everything to her that has happened since my appt. with her in mid-august, actually since H cut off our support.
I told her all about the latest escapades of the OW and her filling out the D papers and mailing them to me on my b-day.

She said definately DO NOT go get those papers. It is not her choice to fill those out for my H and if I obtain them it will only empower her further. She said let H deal with the OW all by himself. Come Thurs. it will be H's choice what to do with them. She said if H files he will have to file all of the affidavits to assets and child support documents. She said it will be an eye opener for H for sure.

She told me that I did not have to retain her services until I was ready and that she did want me to keep in touch with her as to all the goings on. I agreed to do so. I will continue to pay her on hourly basis. I must stop being scared and passive. I need to start to be more open and honest about what is actually happening. I will keep in touch with her and all of you as well.

I want to thank you all...I would not have even called her without all of your advice.

I told her what I had done lately about moving some accounts and making estimated tax payments. It was all based on her advice in mid-august and she was pleased I have done as she asked.

I feel better knowing the answer to my question. She repeated several times "LET THE PAPERS GO BACK TO H". Call me immediately if you are served by other means. We can always answer the petition with our own demands and it will certainly catch H off guard because we will be prepared. When I met with her in March and August I gave her all sorts of pertinent personal and business numbers and data. She said we will be ready when/if he decides to serve you himself. She also said that unless he serves you himself and completes the paperwork himself or with an attorney that I do not have to accept it as fact and that he will be in big trouble if there are untruths on his documents because he has to sign them as sworn testimony to fact before the court.

I am not actually feeling very well. My stomach is all in knots. It has been a very emotional day. I am tired.

Thurs. will be interesting. OW and her BFF will have plenty to say when those papers come back to H office. Thurs. H has a local job so he will be in the office most of the day I am sure.

I still do not want a D and told my L so...She said OK then, we will let him file. I asked her about the support and she said you certainly deserve it, if you have enough to get by on for now, let's see if he serves you and we can get demanding from there and it can be all retroactive back to the date he stopped sending anything to you.

Thank you all......

Sanderika

[BarbieDoll]

Sanderika!

Good for you! THis was the right thing to do. Now you have the right info for your particular situation based on what YOU want and where you live. Not all of us can give you the absolute best when we don't know all the details.

I like your attorney. She is a smart cookie. Her advice is smack on. She is not in it just to get your $ - She is watching out for you.

Listen to her. DO NOT FOCUS ON OW, though. Let you H deal with OW.

I'm proud of you for making the call. I know you are stressed and upset - who wouldn't be. But it will calm down a bit now that you are being proactive. This is YOUR life. These are YOUR assets. Please look after YOU!

Barb

[Sanderika]

My rollercoaster ride continues.....The following happened on 9/15/08:

I should have written sooner but I was hoping more would have happened after this did:

My H came over to get his birth certificate. He had to go to Canada with an oversize load for a logging show.

His OW was at our shop most of the day. H called me around 8:40pm, told me what he needed, I said I had it and he could come over and get it. H showed up at 9:20pm. We sat and chatted for about a half hour. I also had some canadian money so I gave that to him. Our conversation was very nice. We talked about his trip and schedule he had to keep. We talked about another driver and his schedule. We talked about his huge job that had lasted the past two weeks and how happy his customers were with him, S12, the construction on the house...NOT ONE WORD ABOUT THE R.

He didn't get to see S12 because he goes to bed at 9:00.

After a half hour...H said "I want to shower here, is that OK?"
I said "yes." H went out to his truck, moved truck to hiding spot and brought in clean clothes. I asked H if he was hungry and he said no.

H showered, I showered...we ML, fell asleep and H alarm went off at 4:45am. Before H got up he said "So do you still want me back?" I said "Yes I do." H said "Why?" I said "Because I love you and value you and I want us to be a family with S, I want S to grow up with a Mom and Dad in the same house." H said "Have you heard the saying...Be Careful What You Wish For." I said "Yes I Have and I am going to continue to wish for this everyday."

At that note H got up, got dressed, left his dirties for me to wash. Left for the day on good terms, nice thoughts, friendly, etc...

I haven't heard from H since the morning on 9/16. !!??!!??!!??

I can only assume that H and OW had a ripper (fight) at the office. Perhaps they fought all weekend. I don't know. I want to know why H came to me. I want to know what H is thinking about. I have had up days and then down days for over a week.
I will not ask H any questions...NO R TALK!!!!!!

I know certain things...

H two week job didn't go well paperwork, permits, schedule wise.

H missed a job on 9/8 because that so called secretary (the BFF) didn't do up his paperwork and didn't remind him of the schedule. H can't be expected to remember everything, that's what you hire people for. This is not good for business to just blow off a job.

H had words with an employee about the employee talking to me on his cellphone. Apparently H told this guy that his cellphone (company paid by the way) was for business purposes and not for talking to his wife. Guy (who has known us for 20+ years) saud to H...last time I looked S is your X, you chose OW.

It has been six full months since H kicked me out of my job.

It has been 7 full weeks since H sent any support money our way.

It has been 9 full days since I had any contact with H. I WILL NOT CONTACT HIM and H HAS BEEN TOLD THIS.

H was with OW all last weekend.

I don't know what this means.

H is still on the fence.

H is still cake-eating.

IS H heart softening? IS H working his way home in baby steps?

IS H only testing the home water in case it goes sour with OW?

WHAT IS THE MEANING OF CYCLING? I saw that in another post and am confused as to what it means.

I just needed to get this down...journaling I guess.

For anyone who reads this....Thank you so much.

My turmoil continues. I told someone yesterday..."I am not moving on, I am moving forward."

I am very lonely.

Thank you all,

Sanderika

[Sanderika]

H just called me.....

Wanted to know if we needed to move some money to make sure it was safer. We decided not to.

H said he got the certified/registered D papers back. H said he is still on the fence and does not know what to do. I asked him what he wanted. He said he doesn't know except that He doesn't want to live the way he was 3 years ago. My depression was rubbing off on him then. I knew it then and don't disagree with him now. He said he won't live depressed for anyone ever. He said he doesn't want to live the way he is now.

He asked me why I was so sure I wanted him and my life back. And I told him as best I could. It is so huge that explaning it all never seems to sound right. He asked my why I was so sure I wouldn't get depressed again. I said let's call it a live and learn experience. I know the signs and I like who I am now. I didn't like her or being her. I told him I have matured and I live with love, care, concern, respect, kindness and am much more relaxed about my feelings, thoughts and actions. I told him through personal growth I have been able to get back to the real me and I will not ever let her back in my life. I told him it was hell living the way I did.

I told him how I feel about him and asked him how he really feels about me. I told him he has never really said. I told him I thought that he liked me now and did not harbor any hateful thoughts or feelings about me. He said I was right about that but still would not expel on other feelings.

I told him that together we have always been able to move mountains and overcome every adversity that came our way. I told him that I feel that we could overcome this too. I said it will take time but the rewards will be there. I said that in order to do this we would have to go into it with want, care, communication and respect.

I explained that I have shown my dedication and intent. I have not dated or seen other men. I am still here because of my love, devotion and respect and value.

He said he is going to make a decision one way or another. He said it is coming fast.

He wanted to know why I am so happy now and that I wasn't with him. I explained that I am happy now because I like who I am. I am not happy living without him in my life. I explained the pain and turmoil I live with. I told him I would be happier and could continue my personal growth easier with him back home and that I would not have to live in uncertainty and turmoil every day. I told him that I was happy with him but that depression overruled my life and became a cancer. I told him that it happened and that I didn't see it coming. It started by making mountains out of molehills and letting everything become a problem everything emotional and physical and tangible. I became trapped in self pity and hatred. It all festered and mushroomed and then I only would face reality when I had lost the most important thing in my life and that was my husband and marriage.

I don't know if I did more harm than good. It is all out of context. Is the fact that he is asking a good thing? Is it just as simple as having conversation that makes it a good thing? Have I scared him off for good?

We got cut off on the phones.....There was no goodbye....I am left here to wonder and now am nervous.

Sorry I rambled so...I typed as fast as the conversation raced through my head.

[Sanderika]

Hi all.......

My H was just here. He arrived without warning. He came in by just opening the door. He sat at the bench at the back door.

I greeted H with a very friendly hello and how have you been. H was very gruff. Very distant, not very friendly. I could tell H had something on his mind you could see the cogs turning. H barely looked at me. I was feeling very uncomfortable. I sat at the counter and proceeded to ask what brings you over here and even said you look like you have something on your mind.

He shrugged saying I don't know, nothing I guess. H asked where S12 was. I said in the livingroom on the couch watching TV. I said go in there and say hello. He shrugged again and said NO. I said go ahead you don't have to take your boots off if you don't want. He again said NO. VERY WIERD...VERY WIERD

I asked how was work. H said he was very busy. Was in Nova Scotia on Thurs. and had done another weeks worth of work since then. Said he didn't have a free day until Oct. 26. I said that was good.

H asked me why I was replacing the siding on the north side of the house, said he thought I was only going to do the back and south sides. I said we found rot in the sheathing under the corner boards and clapboards. So I decided to replace the siding and replace any rotten sheathing. He nodded OK.

I mentioned the storm Kyle and that we were not going to get the heavy rain and wind that it was going to go further down east from us towards Bay of Fundy. I said that the people who hay our fields probably won't be able to finish though because we have standing water due to the rain we had here friday and yesterday. He said that we probably true.

H was wierd and distant. Very uncomfortable himself being here. H didn't even try to be comfortable. Acted like a stranger to both me and S12.

S12 came into the kitchen to be with us and tried to scare me from behind. I could see on H's face that S12 was behind me. I turned around and jokingly said to S12 that he could not try and scare me again until January 1st. after he had scared me yesterday. We then started to laugh and tell H that S12 had scared me so bad yesterday that it made me cry. H was smiling as we were telling the story. H seemed to enjoy the goings on between us. Clearly though H did or does not feel like he belongs here.

S12 asked for something to eat...I said I would cook up some bacon for BLTs. I asked H if he was hungry he said NO. I got some bacon started and then H just up and left.

H WASN"T HERE 10 MINUTES!!!!!!! OMG!!!!!!!! OMG!!!!!!!!

H stood up and said I have to go. Opened the door and fled.

I went to the door and said D**** you just got here. Why are you leaving so soon. He just said I got to go. Talk to you later.

I was basically shocked, hurt, confused. I feel like I was just left for the first time again.

I went out into the rain, stocking feet and yelled down the path after him. D****, D**** Why are you leaving so fast. You act like you have something to say. Why don't you stay so we can talk. H said WHAT, WHAT....I have to go. I will talk to you later. I really think H was angry then that I called after him. I did it because I love him and I didn't understand his behavior. I wanted to run after him and hug him and tell him if he stayed we would be OK. I didn't. I didn't call H either, or try to follow him. (I thought about it though)

I swear H was wearing rockets he left here so fast. I don't understand. I am hurt and confused.

Was H here to tell me he was going to file for the D, and got cold feet?

Was H here to tell me he was going to break up with OW and give us a try, and got cold feet?

Did H cellphone ring and he knew OW was looking for him? H jumps to attention whenever OW calls him.

Was H here for no other reason than to just stop by?

Was H here to scope out the home life one last time before he made a decision? If this one is true, H found a warm, cozy home with fun, laughter and love. I did my best to make him feel good. (short of a hug and kiss, which I did not volunteer)


H told me last Thurs. that he was going to make a decision right away. I went into panic mode when I saw him this am. H showed up without any papers for me. Didn't even bring my mail and I know he has some for me.

WHAT IS H UP TO??? WHAT IS H UP TO???

Today's visit stopped me dead in my tracks. I completely lost momentum and now can't seem to function. I am a wreck. I called all my girlfriends and sister and told them. They all think H was here to tell me that he was going to file based on the fact that H was distant, unfriendly, somber, serious in behavior. H changed his mind based on what H saw. They all agree it will buy me more time. I don't want more time if it is only to prolong the inevitable.

I don't think H loves me or us. I think H is only trying to save his finances. I think H is going to ask for a D. I am sick to my stomach. Why can't H see me as wonderful, loving and caring? Why can't H see us as a wonderful family with a wonderful home? Why can't H see that we love him so very much?

WHY CAN'T H FORGIVE ME AND LET GO OF HIS RESENTMENT. WHY CAN'T H LOVE ME AND MAKE US #1 AGAIN??????????

I am so sad. I want H here......

I can't fix this. I have been dark. Being dark isn't helping us. I have been so dark that now I can't call him or approach him at all. I hate waiting for H to approach me. H is either very warm like he was on the 15th or like today, a stone cold dead fish.

What stage is H in.....MLC sucks.....It's been 37 1/2 months since this began.....enough, enough already. I think I would rather be dead than live this life. I haven't got much hope left. I don't know how to stand without help. H isn't helping, H is building a bigger and bigger wall but can't seem to tell me he's filing.

WHY DID H COME OVER HERE TODAY?????

Sanderika

[job]

S,
First, you must remember...there's no way we can actually sit down and pinpoint a stage with these guys. They tend to flucuate between all of them except acceptance.

There's no way to tell why your h was over, but he came for a while. It could have been just a visit to touch base w/his old self and home, i.e., to reassure himself that it was still there and yes, even to be reassured that you and your son were there. When they are like this, yes, they are very uncomfortable in their skins. Remember...they are the exact opposite of who they once were and believe me, coming there and interacting w/you and your son most likely was uncomfortable for him today.

You need to take some time and read the MLC Resources again. You'll find the description and behavior of your h in there. He's very much in the skin of a pod person right now and you will not understand it for a very long time.

Learn to accept him for who he is at this time, keep your expectations at zero and treat him as you would a friend. You didn't fix him, therefore you can't fix him. Try to keep your home a safe haven for him. The more you do this, the more he will gravitate back to it. It's tough when they just pop over like that, but something tells me he wanted to make sure that everything was okay on the home front.

S, I know you hate to hear this, but keep the focus on you and your son. Right now, it's very important to just leave him out there. Please stop trying to analyze his every move and thought, because there is no way you will be able to do this. Why? Because he's an emotional wreck and they aren't operating in the rational mode.

[Sanderika]

Thank you snodderly,

I appreciate your reply.
This actually brought me way down today.
H keeps me confused.
On the 15th he is over to sleep, we ML, he basically tells me if I wish for him to come home to be careful what I wish for... in other words I will probably get it. H leaves comforted and happy.
Today felt so cold. I believe he showed up miserable, which was not my fault. So, based on your observation, I did good by showing him a happy, warm, loving home...offering him lunch.
I probably backslid real hard though by going outside and confronting him why he was leaving so fast, right????
I should continue to stay dark, right????
I should continue to let the OW tug and nag her brains out, right????
I should continue to be polite, kind, inviting, friendly, loving, caring, happy, accepting, forgiving, agreeable and available to H, right????
When do I get the prize (H)....???? 37 1/2 months standing and counting.
I really feel like such a loser.
Thank you so much, your input is very helpful, I will go to MLC Resources and catch up on my reading there for a while.
Sanderika