Working on believing in miracles

[istherehope]

Hi JCJ,

Yeah I am not sure if silence or anger is better!?

In H's case he is also consumed with guilt. Last night he said he was close to just saying that we could live together so that at least one of us could be happy. I wish I'd said great, thanks. As long as one of us is happy! The angrier he is, the guiltier he is as well. I also don't believe for a second that he doesn't love me, not a second. Otherwise, he'd be only cold. I have seen this before. I still seem to get to him soooo much.

The problem with the finances is that I have more debt, so, if we were to separate finances, I would actually be the one in trouble. The point is in terms of me subsidizing that I am using my bonuses and such to cover his school, true. However without his income, I wouldn't be able to pay my student loans on an ongoing basis. The other thing that I am doing, that maybe I shouldn't be doing, is trying to find solutions for the separation that entail me moving places and thus not costing him/us any money. It DOES help me financially, but also makes him think that this is my responsibility somehow. I am not sure what I will do when I get back. I really need Jody's help on this I think. He has said 6 months. I am pretty sure he will not be ready by the end of that time, BUT it could be that he just needed to be in control so much that 6 months will be sufficient because it was his own timeline. I don't know. I don't know how much to talk about my own needs and wants anymore. I feel like I blew it a little yesterday. He is also still saying that he wants occasional couples counseling, but I have no idea why. Maybe I will try to find a solution based therapist in Dublin and give it a shot once to see if he actually is open or not. Thing is I do believe that he WANTS to want to be with me, just doesn't want to put any effort into getting to that place. He even did listen to me a little yesterday when I said that I thought it would be better for both of us if we could quit focusing on the past, and he seemed to agree, but doesn't care. He is also too worried about me counting on things working out. I got pretty annoyed at one point and said "I'm not just pathetic and sitting around waiting for you. I need to get on with my life with or without you, and I would never feel good about myself if I didn't get this every effort." He said he didn't think I was pathetic either...UGH. I feel close to hating him now. The thing that is so frustrating is that i had a gut feeling all week that something big was going to happen, but I thought it would be positive.

Anyway I have a lot of decisions to make in the next couple of weeks. I do know that I'm not giving up my business trip to Valencia, whether he likes it or not.

ITH