2 weeks to get ready for The R Talk......

[Dawn of Hope]

Arianne,
How are you doing today? I hope you are a little better every day!

Dawn your posting is a real inspiration to me-thank you so very much for taking time to read my story.

You're welcome! I read pretty much everything in the MLC forum sooner or later, especially the threads that get posted to most frequently, so that's why it took me a while to run across yours.

Last May I thought my world had ended-I was 58,about to retire to my home town with H when the bomb dropped. I really thought I would go crazy with the grief and fear. He has/had? ow but isnt happy-keeps saying he doesnt want a divorce and keeps in touch though its only once a week or so.After 28 years its hard to be my own person-you see, he was my entire world (I think thats one of the reasons he couldnt cope)

I think we would all agree that it is hard to be alone all of a sudden, especially after being with your S for a long time. I found that in the beginning, although I had sympathy for others, I was in so much emotional pain that I really couldn't give much attention to anyone else, but as time has gone on, I am more able to reach out and help other people.

He keeps saying that I have changed so much. I pray that he finds clarity and returns to me but no more tears or pursuing from me!

That is great, that he sees how much you have changed! At least he doesn't completely have his head in a dark place! It really seems to confuse them when we change--they have a bit more trouble remembering how horrible we supposedly were before, I think!

He says he loves me but I know he is scared Mostly,we dont discuss the marriage. I think I have a 50/50 chance of him returning but I know now I can live without him.

And that is probably the best place you can be, given what is happening to him right now. You are detaching, which is so helpful for YOU.

I am so sorry to hear of your clinical depression-you really have pulled yourself out of the pit what a fighter,do write and tell me more about your self if you feel able. When he first left I cried constantly I mean non- stop I went down to 5 stone- doctor prescribed amyltriptaline but it spaced me out! Im certainly not against drug therapy if it keeps you from going over the edge. God bless you x

One of these days I am going to have to figure out the conversion from stones to pounds, as I never know how to evaluate it when one of you folks across the pond talks weight.

Thank you for your kind and affirming words; that was really heartwarming! I have struggled with my depression for so long, and felt like such a failure for so much of my life, that I am still very surprised to not only still be alive, but to be about as happy as I think anyone can be expected to be, given the whole sitch with my H!

I have now accepted that I really will probably have to be on antidepressants for the rest of my life (unless someone comes up with something better). I'm not crazy about the whole drugs-for-life thing, but if that's what it takes for me to have a whole life instead of a shadow of one, and to keep from being in agony much of the time and burdening people close to me...so be it. I've been on AD's and I've been off, and for me, on is better...much, much better.

I've always been a functional depressive--did very well in school, got my college degree, and I run my own business; have never failed to get out of bed every day--but emotionally it has been like trying to run in waist-deep mud most of the time. I made my first suicide attempt when I was 13 years old. It took me years and years to even understand that the things I felt were not normal, and longer for me to seek treatment, and longer yet to believe that there were things that would actually help me to feel better on a long-term basis. I'm still completely clueless about my purpose in life, why I'm still here (miracle which that is), but I assume that since I'm still alive, God must have something in mind for me to do.

I need to go to bed now, but if you would like to check out my thread (see link at the bottom of my signature), that will probably tell you ten times as much as you would ever want to know about me. But if you would like to know more, just ask!

Snodderly's advice sounds dead-on to me, and it sounds like you are doing very well, all things considered! Take care, and I will check back with you later!

Peace and courage,
Dawn