Any day now

[Dawn of Hope]

NG,
How are you doing today? Better and better, I hope!

I just caught up with your thread, and your last post really got my attention because there are so many parallels to my own sitch (except that my H still lives at home, 11 months post-bomb; also, we don't have any kids).

Friends are finding out that H has moved out. All seem so supportive of me and are very shocked. All want to smack him, but as of yet I don't think any have asked him directly "WTF are you doing?!?!?!?!", they ask me "WTF is he doing?!?!?" and all I can say is I don't know.

With the exception of a few people, mostly those who were much closer to him anyway, that's pretty much what I got when I started talking to people about it, right after the bomb (just could not hold it in, although in retrospect it might have been wiser...but then again, I might have exploded!!).

I just wonder... no one is telling him he is making very bad choices and there don't seem to be any consequences, he really does have it all. HIS world is perfect.

My H still seems unhappy, but I did wonder for quite a while why it seemed that none of the few people he was talking to about it would tell him flat out how absolutely WRONG and crazy he was being (not that I actually know who all he has talked to about it or what they are telling him, but I got a hint here and there). I think he still believes he has the moral high ground, despite his having cheated on me (apparently because I have been suicidally depressed for years...that's the main thing he has complained about)! I don't discount how rough it has been for him to deal with me because of my depression, but to say that's more a violation of our vows than him bonking someone else?? Now THAT is crazy for you!

I'm living my life and only showing him happiness and confidence.

Yup. My mantra is, "Be like Teflon." I just let everything he says or does roll off my back...at least in front of him. And strangely enough, the things he says about me are SO outlandishly horrid that I know they can't possibly be true, and my self-esteem has actually IMPROVED dramatically (compared to the last 30 years) once I began recovering from the bomb! That's another thing that's crazy! Although to be frank, it didn't really have anywhere to go but up...!

He doesn't make any excuses to come and see me or talk to me. He only comes over or talks to me when he absolutely has to. He is "nice", but really only treats me politely like a relative he has to tolerate.

Same here! I was so incredibly frustrated and upset when he started treating me like a stranger he didn't like but couldn't completely avoid. I'm pretty sure that if we didn't live in the same house still, since we don't have kids, I would go for months without seeing or speaking to him except for business necessity. These days my H won't even tell me in person that he's going out of town (always to see OW) and won't be home for several days!

Don't you want to just smack him and say, "WHAT is your problem with me? I am doing absolutely NOTHING to make your life worse! I am nice to you, I go out of my way to accommodate you, I pretty much do whatever you ask, I give you as much "space" as you want, and no matter what insane, selfish, or cruel things you do or say, I don't complain to you or argue with you...why are you still treating me like I have a contagious disease? Get OVER yourself already!"

Well, I'm not trying to make this all about me; I just thought it was interesting how many things you said in your post were exactly what I had thought myself at one or more points. Isn't it amazing how they all follow the same script and yet believe that nobody has experienced anything comparable to what they are going through? We know there are lots of resources for LBS's, but I can't help but wonder...are the WAS's all Googling "Old Boys' Network for Adulterers"?

Hang in there, NG! I hear that it will get better as time goes on!

Peace and courage,
Dawn