the wine has kicked in. I've become contemplative and unable to concentrate on writing. So, I find myself back here. A voice in the wilderness. It reminds me of when I used to host a blues & jazz radio show - I'd talk into the mike and sometimes forget there were a lot of people listening. Sometimes? Okay, disciplinary actions were required, but that's beside the point. I feel that same state of talking to nothingness sometimes.
Where am I? I guess the low point. Which is fine, it's much easier to lift yourself up then watch yourself sink down. And I've been lifting.
I feel like my marriage was a total sham. I don't want to relate to my XW anymore, although I know the minute we see each other that electricity will fly between us. I almost want to take a leave of absence to avoid that. I know she is who she is and I accept that. I knew her weaknesses and I didn't play to those. But she wasn't there for me either. She never made me feel loved, or special, and I deserve that. We all deserve that.
GAL, PMA? Not so much. But mental stability has leveled off, which is a good thing. I'm scared at how quickly I feel I've withdrawn since last tuesday when the judge decreed the D. I can honestly say that I don't want a R with XW. And I know she feels the same way. How odd - we were hugging when we last saw each other and now I feel nothing but animosity. I can't say I understand human emotion, but I'm certainly involved in it.
I'm glad I'm taking some time to just be alone. It feels really really lonely right now, but it's helping me to sort through things. And like RMG recommended, it's giving me time to think about what I want in my next relationship and how I'll go about achieving that!
In the meantime, I face months of trying to make myself feel better about being alone. It'll be fine. I'm in a great place. I wish I had more friends - but that's a guy thing. I'll start getting involved again. And someday, I'll no longer have to actively avoid XW.
