My thread in Separated is almost full. I will start my new thread with a big superlong post about my "talk" with the W about her cheating and how I'm no longer going to put up with it.
So I had the talk with the W last night. I made up my mind to keep it real simple:
"I don't want a divorce but I can't stay married to you while you are cheating on me. I know you are because I have evidence. I'm not going to share finances with you. I just can't be part of an open marriage."
That part was super quick, but then she started with, "what evidence?" I simply replied each time that it didn't matter, I'm not going to talk to you about it but I want the lies to stop.
We went round and round like this for a while, she went through a bunch of phases. She didn't deny it at first until she gathered her anger at being found out. First I was bluffing, then she accused me of trying to be cruel, then nasty and poisoning the remainder of our relationship for the kids. She flat out denied it three or four times, ie..."There's nothing going on", and, "We're all just good friends but nothing physical." I wasn't having any of it I just told her to stop lying. She would then go back to asking what I know and how I know it. She accused me of doing something illegal to invade her privacy. I firmly told her that I was not going to discuss it with her and all that mattered was that the truth was out. She did not like that I had information.
We got off the wheel for a bit to discuss the D and selling the house and some other things, that all went ok. I was a bastion of calm dealing with the devil, and I held firm, she asked about a remote assistant ticket that was on my PC. The file I had found was hers that she made to send to OM. It was long expired. (bad me for leaving it there.) We went round and round some more with her insisting that I either was lying/bluffing and/or "Is this how you want it to be?" and other threats. It came out that I had access to her email.
She eventually caved and said she slept with OM#1 "Recently", but I confronted her again for earlier emails and she then admitted that it was several times. Lastly I brought up really old emails from back in February and she offered no resistance, She came clean and told me that she overstepped herself when she thought she could have a platonic relationship with him and it turned out she couldn't. It started before she told me she was unhappy. I asked her if she used a condom, and she said she did until she wasn't sleeping with anyone else. (I'm glad I've since been tested.)
I then asked if she would agree to not see him until after the D. She said that she wasn't going to not see him for that long.
We had some R talk; she apologized numerous times but didn't seem all that remorseful. I could tell that she felt guilty though. I told her that should she choose to come and make an effort on the M I could tell her how. She asked, "How?", and I told her that it would start with no contact with all the OM and then we could begin to address our issues since we now know about them. She said things will go back to how they were. I answered that our old M was dead and that we would have to forge a new one.
She asked me if I knew who he was. I said, "Only that you told me he was a platonic friend from her hometown." Turns out he was her first sexual partner. I asked about all the negative things she had said about him and she said he had "changed" in the past few months. I thought that was ironic.
Just before our talk she was on the phone with one of her friends saying how a male acquaintance was dating a married woman and how wrong it was. Her friend must have said "but you are married" and W said but that's different. I had to try hard not to laugh. Turns out I was more right than I wanted to be.
I gave her some open floor time and she vents about some things that were tough to hear but valuable all the same.
I slipped a few times with some "what if" questions but quickly moved on.
At one point I was sitting next to her and she hugged me tight, I calmly said that, I don't approve of your actions but I don't hate you, That may happen later or not at all. We finished our talks about the kids and us and the plan. We are now going to alternate weekends with the kids.
As she was leaving, I handed her a stack of her bills. We did hug and in all honesty most of this conversation was with her sitting next to me with my arm around her. It wasn't dark but it still helped things flow.
I have a meeting with a L Thursday so we'll see. While she was here I felt awesome, free because the cat is out of the nasty bag, but now she has left I worry a bit, but overall it was an great relief.
I'm glad it's out in the open...
...I'm not going to stop DBing but am closer real detachment than I have been in a while. She is picking up some pieces of her life too. She commented on this and wanting be a better mom. I will continue to look after myself and file away my little bit of hope in the unlikely event that something changes.
Me:34 W:31 d's 5 & 10 M: 5 years, T: 8, Bomb1 3/8/08,#2:3/28/08 Asked 4 D:4/19/08, discovered PA 5/8/08,W moved out 6/30/08 W pregnant by OM: 2/17/08
I looked over your last thread in Separated. The affection she was showing you would have driven me completely insane. Messing with your mind is what she has been doing. Having the best of both worlds at your expense. Good that you had the talk. It was time.
I'm not one to give a whole lot of good advice, I just wanted to say that I thought you handled it very well.
Good luck to you, dude.
Me 47, WW 38 SS18, D15, D10
Good Bye Girl. No longer SAYING she's moving out. GBG moved out 8-1-08
"I have now decided to enjoy life instead of figure it out."
Thank you for the positive comments. Once the rush of the conversation faded some of my pain became more realized.
And yeah the affection was confusing.
I am really sad that it's come to this. And really sad that my W made those bad choices. The flip side is that I've realized that this is not about me, and never was. It is all about my W not being happy with herself. I was glad when she acknowledged the need for her to be a better mom.
D9 asked some questions last night that were both insightful and difficult. She has friends whose split parents "NEVER" speak to each other and she commented on how that bothers them. I don't want that for her.
Me:34 W:31 d's 5 & 10 M: 5 years, T: 8, Bomb1 3/8/08,#2:3/28/08 Asked 4 D:4/19/08, discovered PA 5/8/08,W moved out 6/30/08 W pregnant by OM: 2/17/08
I have felt the same. I have realized the same, and I have HEARD the same.
She has told me that she doesn't want the same relationship that her ex and she have. She is dying to maintain a friendship.
Of course she does. I'm a hell of a guy. But I don't intend to give it to her right now. At least being buddy buddy. Still working on saving the marriage. If we D, then maybe after.
Me 47, WW 38 SS18, D15, D10
Good Bye Girl. No longer SAYING she's moving out. GBG moved out 8-1-08
"I have now decided to enjoy life instead of figure it out."
My W wants to be friends too. I don't think I want that if we D. Civil for the kids, sure. But not friends.
I met with the L yesterday and I learned a lot, had a good long talk. L cleared up many factors in my sitch and refered me to a really good mediator. I have the option of having this L advise during the process but we decided pretty much what I wanted and what I need to do so it might not be necessary. If anything turns for the worse it's nice to have backup.
I need to tell W and then set it up.
Me:34 W:31 d's 5 & 10 M: 5 years, T: 8, Bomb1 3/8/08,#2:3/28/08 Asked 4 D:4/19/08, discovered PA 5/8/08,W moved out 6/30/08 W pregnant by OM: 2/17/08
