He couldnt' win the fights though because "I'm good at that". He started avoiding and started "minding" because that was easier.....a person can only take so much of that
BTDT - so where is your thread? I got to talk to you. Really need you to talk to my W. It get's real frustrating when you don't feel like you have any input. Cheers
M22,H45,W45 S21/18D12 Retain faith that you will prevail in the end, regardless of the difficulties and at the same time confront the most brutal facts of your current reality, whatever they might be.
Oh Sandy...thanks so much for dropping by! And thanks especially for the mini 2X4 because it made me think about the time frame of things. I see now that I can't put timelines on such a thing even if he never knows the control I tried to put on it. It's true that it may take months of consistant change to really make a difference.
In your sitch you put the dates and believe it or not my H had a EA around the same time and moved out around the same time too
Jen *The more anger towards the past you carry in your heart, the less capable you are of loving in the present*
Also while reading your second post I saw me....are you my double living in the US because what you wrote could have been my life with my H right down to "I was only like this with him". Eeerie
I'll take the lead from you now then.
Jen *The more anger towards the past you carry in your heart, the less capable you are of loving in the present*
Jen- while we did date, it was mostly long distance and got married 6 months to the day from when we met. You and I both had quickies....
I told you before that Jodie, my DB coach told me what to do but I ignored her suggestions for a few weeks...then something sparked me to jump on the band wagon because he wasn't headed home at that time and I figured what have I got to lose....he was already gone....so I did.....for 2 months straight....with nothing changing.....he tried to engage in a couple of "issues" with me, but I did not take the bait.....just affirmed and agreed and I NEVER EVER asked any questions about his life. EVER, EVER...you need to stick to work and daughter.....but make it brief.....my husband didn't want a set schedule either because of the way his job was...he's nice, I was nice....but I put up boundaries....why? Because it showed him what divorce really looks like.....it doens't look like he drops by a lot or takes you to the store....start depending on yourself to do these daily task. That's a 180 no matter how big a pain it is.
Plus, it's one way to show him you can do this without him. Plus, you'll be GAL while doing these little things you rely on him for. Rely on yourself to do these things....now if he starts offering take him up on it. But also turn him down every now and then...Keep up the Hash because it really bothers him.
My husband had a thousand questions about my GAL when he came home. Funny how he thought I was doing one things when it really was another. I stopped telling my kids what I was doing by being vague with them, because he was asking them.
I never lied about though if he ask straight out....I guess he never really did because after all, I was giving him space to do what he wanted so it would have seemed foolish for him the be asking me about my life...and wasn't it my H that said the marriage thing was just on paper....HA
Okay Jen- do you agree with your husbands assessment of you? If the answer is YES then change yourself....but only if you want to be happy and possibly reconciling with him . If not, keep doing the same old same old.
Coach- I don't know what BTDT means?
I think my most updated threads are in Piecing but I have the order of them backwards I think the 2nd one should be the first one. I didn't post alot but absorbed a lot from reading here...
Here's what I learned:
1) some people can do this flawless and it won't matter 2) some people can't do this and it will matter 3) It takes time and some of these spouses are just gone for good 4) No one can determine which one yours will be 5) Engaging in arguments is BAD 6) Validate and detach (as applicable in each situation) 7) Get a DB coach if you can, if not read this BB and DR(your not sleeping anyway) 8) If you drink stop...I wouldn't even have a glass of wine because I knew what would happen (buzzed emotional meltdown in front of him) 9) Handle yourself appropriately in front of your children, this one is most important...children learn by example.. 10)Assuming what they are doing and what is really going on is way different...I found all this out when he came home..you are on their minds a lot more than you think. So with that don't you want their thoughts to be either A. See what a controlling Biatch she is or B. Hey, she's totally cool, self sufficient and no pressure. That's what the OP is doing for them so it's your chance to behave the same way.
Okay enough said. LOL Wow, I got on my DB underwear today!
M:47 M:18 D16, S19 1st S 1/08-5/08 Reconciled/May 7, 2008 Left again Nov 9, 2009 I Filed: Nov 17, 2009 Final: April 14, 2010 EX walked away from kids too
Hi Sandy! Where does one purchase DB underwear? I need some
Quote:
Okay Jen- do you agree with your husbands assessment of you? If the answer is YES then change yourself....but only if you want to be happy and possibly reconciling with him . If not, keep doing the same old same old.
I agree with everything he has told me about me over the years. I have changed some things throughout our time together but I am changing more now every day. Yes I'd love for him to recommit to me and start a new R but I also am doing this for me.
Quote:
I put up boundaries....why? Because it showed him what divorce really looks like.....
Vernetta told me this too but sometimes I'm the one who needs to see what a D looks like too.
Quote:
Keep up the Hash because it really bothers him.
Do you think this bothers him? I think it probably does; he tries to come across as supportive when I go but when I get back there's always something bugging him. I guess it's me going somewhere with people he doesn't know...
I like your list at the end too.
BTDT = Been There Done That
Jen *The more anger towards the past you carry in your heart, the less capable you are of loving in the present*
Sister, I know the Hash bothers him big time. You know what...that pisses him off too. Look he acts like he's bugged by something everytime you do it. He really doens't want it to bug him but it does. That's very confusing to him...my H said this. "Everytime I would think about things that had to do with you, it confused me. I would ask myself why do I care if I love her but am not in love with her."
The day I sat in front of him talking about a D, I had papers in my hand and everything....I said to him at one point "sooner or later someone else will live here and I don't think you want to agree to giving me that kind of money" "Honey, I will get remarried as I am not meant to go through this life alone, I am sorry and I don't want it to be that way" Well, he said NOTHING to that except "yea he wouldn't like that". Now, I figured it was all about the money. He then left and I thought shiat! I guess I am getting a Divorce.....phone records show he immediately call "her" talked and then called his DA brother (who by the way left his wife 3 yrs ago & still aren't D'd)...well he had the kids that night...I went out and GAL that evening thinking that was it, it is over...he didn't try to stop it....I got home at 12;30 and the phone rang at 2:30am and the rest is history.
I also thought in my H's case it was like a light bulb but you know what he said....when he was signing is Apt lease he was thinking to himself...damn I got to live here till August.....
Little things backup what he says ie. ...he kept all the boxes to things he bought in case he came back so he could return them.
Your H has said he has thought about returning.
Keep up that patience and try to rely on him less for mundane stuff....he wants you . By the way, we never ML after he left the house. He could barely look at me and I think I got 5 hugs during the 4 or so months he was gone. He said he thought about it but felt it was wrong...would lead me on...also that would make him a cheater......He now hides his head in shame when he thinks of the stupid stuff he said.
You can't figure these weirdos out and nothing anybody says or does will help.
M:47 M:18 D16, S19 1st S 1/08-5/08 Reconciled/May 7, 2008 Left again Nov 9, 2009 I Filed: Nov 17, 2009 Final: April 14, 2010 EX walked away from kids too
I wish the Hash was more frequent. It's every second Sunday and on Thursdays there's a pub night but last Thursday had to be my last due to D starting school and H having a class until 9pm. I will go when I can to the Pub night but I will not give up my Hash on Sundays. It's great for so many reasons.
He wants me to have a life and "move on" but when I do he acts different and sometimes downright stupid.
So I guess you agree that ML is good for my sitch? I don't take the bait when he talks about guilt, the idea of leading me on/giving false hopes, or other partners...he's trying to find reasons to be right and NOT to ML and I'm not giving him any.
He was supossed to move in with his friend at the end of August and then it became "I don't know when" and now he never mentions it. I used to think he was interested in her but I haven't given it the time of day recently.
He still has a lot of his things here (says it's because he has no where to put it yet). Hell, he even has a toothbrush in the bathroom lol All he really took was clothes and the laptop.
In addition to all that I'm still waiting on final D docs....don't know where that stands but I'll be damned if I'm going to ask.
The last 2 or 3 weeks I don't call him after 5 or 6 pm. I don't ask him where he is. I don't call much on weekends. I've tried to be more humourous and jokey with him. i think I've slacked the pressure.
Wow, there's so much to it.
Jen *The more anger towards the past you carry in your heart, the less capable you are of loving in the present*
It get's real frustrating when you don't feel like you have any input. 