WAW - Possible MLC I need help, WAWs advice

[sandi2]

Hi LonelyD,

How are you doing tonight? Wanted to comment on a few things you said in your reply post to me.

“I have done most of the changes in my life, quit drinking cold turkey w/o any problem. I am more aware of my appearance. My personality is definitely back to where it was.”

First of all, I respect anyone that can quit drinking at all, but to do it “cold turkey” tells me that you can do anything you set your mind to do. Working on your appearance is great and if your personality is already back on track, then you are a very disciplined man. You have shown that you can take charge of your life and you have done that by doing what you have with changes around the house.

“I am hoping that the time she is spending away she will at least consider what we had.”

With the others telling her how much you have changed, is what to hope that she really thinks about rather than reminding herself of how it was when she left. But, I do know what you mean in this statement. With a WAW in MLC, it is hard to tell b/c most of the time they have their mind in a fog of fantasy.

“She has made the comment to a couple of friends that if this thing with OM fails, she can always find someone else. that comment hurts very much. “

I know it hurts to hear this, but brace yourself b/c she will more than likely say a lot worse before it is over. Your D is right, b/c this is not the same woman and you have to stop thinking of her as being the way she was when she was your loving wife.

This comment is also an example of what I mean about having their mind in a fog. It also tells me that she really isn’t in love with this OM at all! Remember, I was there also. But, she was so terribly unhappy with how things had become that I think it gave her a hand in stepping off into MLC. That is why she can say, well if this man doesn’t work, another one will be just as good. But, that is the danger in a WAW in MLC. If she does start going from man to man, then she truly will enter a state of “limbo” to the point that she cannot feel those “in-love” emotions again and it just gets to be a vicious circle. The bottom line is that she destroys all the things that made up what she needed to have those feelings. To be honest with you, it was when I read that fact that is scared me enough to stop what I was doing b/c I did not want to end up like that. But, right now, nobody could probably convince her that would happen.

“Her friends that are close to both us do agree she is making a huge mistake. Everyone around us believes she will eventually come back, or at least they hope so.”

That is b/c as friends, they are saying what you want to hear, which is good b/c it gives you hope, but I also want you to be realistic and not get “false” hope. You do what you can to keep improving on yourself, and keep a PMA, but you cannot do anything about her. It is going to hurt a lot more before it gets better, I’m afraid. However, you have proven what you can do when you set your mind to it, so set your mind to make the most out of your life regardless if she is a part of it or not. Sometimes when the WAS sees the LBS drop the rope and turn them loose, it wakes them up.

“I am doing the 180 list you had posted. Mostly I rely on the no contact and not believing anything she says. The latter is what keeps my hope alive. She has contacted me a couple of times about nothingness. I don't take these as signs, but she has commented to one friend that she finds me very easy to talk to.”

I know how hard 180’s are, so again, you are doing great! Don’t believe the negative things she says, b/c most of that is her trying to either convince herself or other people that she is justified in leaving you. The statement about you being easy to talk to and the fact she found some excuse to call……is a positive sign.

“I miss my wife very much and love her with all my being.”

I know you do. This is not going to be easy. That is why they call it a roller coaster ride.

“I know from the people around her she appears very depressed and unhappy.”

WAW’s are not happy people. They are confused and trying to find happiness. All they know is that they were miserable. That is why she turned to OM, trying to find her “escape”. One day, she may “appear” to some people that she is fine b/c she is trying to fake it. Again, it is part of the ride.

“I don't understand why she wouldn't want to reconnect with me to get away from these feelings. I have changed and friend of mine have commented on this saying its good to have the old me back.”

So many H’s say the very same thing as you’ve just said. They don’t understand anything about why she is doing what she is doing and why she doesn’t love her H enough to go home and try again and can’t she remember how great it was at one time? You are only torturing yourself to ask these questions that you can’t do anything about. She will not act like your old wife…….even if she comes home soon…….she won’t be the same. And, BTW, you want her to get this MLC think out of her system b/c your M won’t work unless she is willing to try very, very hard and sees a pro-marriage counselor to help her get through it. Some couples go back together too quickly and then it is to do all over again. At first, it is almost a honeymoon period, but then the old problems start to crop up again. Another thing is that you need longer to have all your changed behavior patterns established for life, or they too will slip by the wayside and she will believe it was simply a ploy to get her back. That is why it MUST be for you…..for you to become the best man that you can……and not a gimmick to get your wife back. It won’t work any other way. She will be watching you to see if these changes are going to stick. Rest assured of that!

“Do you think she has any reservations about leaving? Do you think part of her wants to come back but doesn't know if it can work with all the damage she has created by walking out?”

It is possible that she has regrets and I’m sure she never wanted to hurt her family. That is why women stay in an unhappy stitch for so long is b/c they don’t want to cause damage to anyone. But, then it becomes almost like a survival issue, and she is like a caged lion that has to escape or she feels that she will go crazy. Her freedom becomes more valuable at that point than anything else. It fuels her courage to leave. WAW’s have guilt at what they have done to their family by leaving. They feel selfish, even if they try to convince themselves that they deserve to be happy, etc. I think only cold, heartless women do not have some of these feelings toward the loved ones they left. As far as “it working with all the damage she has created by walking out”………I doubt seriously that she would take all the blame. Remember, you had your share of the breakdown in the MR. She is not ready to take all that blame right now. Nor, will she ever be ready to take it all. If and when the time comes to “talk” about it, you must let her know that you realize your part of the destruction. You can’ t blame her just b/c she was the one that actually physically left. She felt that you checked out a long time ago and left her holding it all together. A woman can’t do that when she has a H there with her. She can, if she is a single mother and has to, but not when there is a man in the house that is suppose to be the head of the home. Woman natural instincts are to depend on her H to help and lead the family. So, don’t blame her with all the destruction b/c as you have stated yourself, you let things go that needed to be fixed around the house and got drunk on the weekends. So, that tells me that you lost pride in how your home lost. You lost pride in your MR and family. You had no desire (or at least did not show it) to have anything special to do with the family on weekends, b/c your plans were to get drunk and lay on the couch. Not to be cruel to you, but honestly, being the kind of woman I am…….I would have left a long, long time ago.

You see, what you have done is that you feel that you have “gotten your act together” now and so you expect her to get hers together. Well, I’m sorry, but you caused to much damage to her! That hurts, too, doesn’t it? To hear somebody tell you in so plain of words. But, it is the truth. No woman chooses to leave her H and her kids when she is happy in her marriage. I don’t know any plainer to get than that. So, own your part of the responsibility for the breakdown and continue to make your changes for the better. Then, give her time. Give her lots and lots of time b/c she will need that in order to heal and to get through the MLC and to see that your changes are going to stick.

She also needs to see you getting a life and being somewhat mysterious about it. I am not saying to start seeing other women or anything like that. Certainly don’t hit the bar scenes….that would be disastrous. But, just get out and do things you once enjoyed doing when you were single. Get a hobby or sport. Go somewhere and see a friend. Anything that will get you out around people. Those same friends will be telling her that they saw you at certain places and how great you looked. It is fine for them to tell her…..just not you. If she asks questions, you just don’t have to give all the details. Be vague.

“I want to just go up to her, grab her, hold her and kiss her and hope she will respond in kind.”

I know you were just expressing your frustrations b/c that would be the last thing you need to do!

“The going dark mentality is what I am trying now. Its only been a week, and it hurts like hell. “

Yes, from what everyone says, it hurts very badly, but they also say that it does get easier. When your self esteem starts to rise, you will find that you feel better about everything. When you start getting a life and finding an interest in something besides just constantly thinking about her all the time……it will get better. Besides, it makes you a more interesting person yourself.

“She does constantly come over to the house after work.”

You mentioned this and some other rather strange behavior for a woman that doesn’t want to be a part of that family. I don’t think she has washed her hands completely, yet. I think there is hope. If she sees you are fixing repairs on the house and keeping things clean, then that will really get her attention. That would be a very positive thing to work on. Also, her saying how good you look is great. At least she is not repulsed at the sight of you like some WAW’s can be toward their H’s. So, let’s hope there is enough attraction there that you can get her attention, keep it, and it will only get better.

I do think you will have trials ahead of you if she is truly in MLC b/c that is just part of it and nobody gets out easy……not the WAW and not the LBH. Going dark is good. However, I’m sure it must be hard if she is coming over. Strange that she takes a nap in your bed. Maybe she misses your scent. So, be sure to wear good smelling cologne to bed at night so that is what she smells when she comes for her little naps (lol). Scents have a lot of affect on a female. Oh, and be sure to keep the sheets changed often so they will be nice and fresh.

“Am I putting too much faith into what I believe with regard to her coming back?”

No, keep the faith. That is what will keep you going, but don’t put all of your energy 24 hours a day into thinking about her and the stitch and whether or not she will or won’t come back. It will drain you completely and you will give up. You don’t want to do that.

“Is the evaluation of my situation that I am being given realistic?”

I think it is.

“How powerful is the minimizing contact with her going to be with regard to her starting to miss me? “

You wondered why she did not miss what the two of you had. How else will she miss you unless you are away from her? I think she needs to miss you. By coming to the house and doing some of the things she does, to me, says that she may already be doing that. Don’t do like some men and go crazy when they get a little encouragement. Even if she gives you a tiny bit………keep cool and don’t react. The last thing she needs it to have you fall all over her and try to kiss and hug her. Think of an actor that you think is really “cool” with the women. My favorite is Rhett Butler, but I’m old fashion. Anyway, it seems to help some of the younger men to focus on trying to fashion their manners at being “cool” after their hero. So, if it works……try it. One of my favorite people here on the bb that has just had a successful DB story of his own, did that by thinking of James Bond (which I couldn’t see being realistic, but it worked for him). At any rate, he started being cool instead of over reacting to whatever his wife said to him. I don’t mean to be cold as a fish, but “cool” like the kids say.

“I put a lot of stock into not believing anything she says, especially the "it's over, I'm not going back with him", I have found she has said quite a few things that were not true, should I hold onto this part of the 180 list as an absolute way to get through this?”

Absolutely!! DB works and you must believe in it. I too, have read a lot of books on marriages and what makes them better, etc. But this is the best and most realistic book, along with Dr. Harley’s, that I have ever read. They say about the same, just use different terms.

Wheeee, a long post tonight. Hope you have a good night’s sleep. It is important to eat a good diet and to get enough sleep.

Sandi