WAW - Possible MLC I need help, WAWs advice

[LonelyD]

My wife of almost 28 years told me 6 weeks ago that she was not in love with me, not happy for a while 2-4 years, and that she didn't think we could get the feelings back. There is M who was just EA, I thought, but now I do not know. she moved out of he house 5 weeks ago. We have one teenage daughter and 3 other adult children and two grandkids. I did chase her for the first couple of weeks and have backed off. I have reviewed Sandi's postsand followed her 180 list. My wife is financially not good right now and it doesn't appear this OM is giving her any financial support. he is also married and has been a player for a number of years with other married women.

everthing seems to revolve around my jealousy and when we would party on weekends, she would flirt to the max which would send me off. I would say terrible things about our marriage and that she wanted other men, the whole shooting match. I asked her many times over the past couple of years what was wrong and her constant reply, nothing, don't worry about it. Well since she dropped the bomb on me, I have stopped drinking, lost weight, go to the gym. My house and finances are continually better. she claimed part of her unhappiness was bills, house, kids and me.

She is not her. Her friends have told me she has decided that she doesn't want me, doesn't know really what she wants, but not me. She told her mother the whole problem had been the drinking. Our family is devastated. Everyone, including friends, love the change in me. after readign several posts, I am wondering if I should take the stand "don't believe anything she says". I love my wife immensely and want her back. I am going dark on her to a degree. She has blown off her kids as well. she told them this past Sunday she was taking two of my duaghters to lunch. then it changed to 2 o'clock, then 4 o'clock, then halftime of the Pats game, then she would be there after the game. One daughter has already shunned her. the youngest is very adamant that her mother is a different person.

In reading all I can about MLC and WAW, I need to know from some WAWs what I should be doing, how do I determine if she will ever come back and what should I expect from her if financially she just can't make it. Do you think that she will realize that a mistake has been made? Her friends have told my family and hers that she is making the biggest mistae of her life. But they don't want to push her because they believe she is very fragile, hanging by a thread. Her emotions towards me ar very cold, and to the point of completely ignoring me when we are together at social events. I have taken to doing the same, letting her initiate any conversation or contact. It is very hard for me. I want to grab her and kis her and hold her in hopes she will snap out of this. Do I have any ope here. She communicates with the OM daily via text and her cell phone. She intially had said he was there for emotional support, but knowing this guy he played on her emotions and the fact that when we both drink it got ugly. Will she come back to me?

[iluvme55]

I have been waiting on my husband since Oct.07.when he told me ILYBNILWY..he is having an affair with a woman her had an affair with 13 yrs.ago..the same one!!!!

all I know is that this time it might work since we are separated but only till it dies a slow death... all I can do at this point is just let go and let God....I have tried begging,pleading,crying,talking about all the memories,pictures.... anything and everything...

but all getisa man who no longer loves me like he used to... and it hurts...our anniversary was Sept.8 25 years for nothing...other than our children 24 and 14....I feel so lostwithout him...

I feel for you I know the pain well....all I can say is pray and let God his job it is not our battle but his..... good lucj to you

[LonelyD]

thanks for your post. I do have hope that my WAW will wake up rom this and realize where her true happiness is. She is very depressed and unhappy according to firends, her mother and my oldest daughter who told me that the woman she had talked to was not her mother. she is different. Went to my grandsons birthday party on Saturday. she doesn't have monety to even buy him a present. So I bought the present from both of us. She tried some small talk on me at the party, I answered her cheerfully and then moved on to be with my kids. My daughter caught her looking at me in almost a dreamstate kinda of look. She has lost a lot of wieght (she already thin) and her face is drawn her hair is thin I think from dying it too much. She is running around with a 31 year old, 3 years older than my daughter. She has been acting like she is 21 for the past couple of years and I had written it off as a phase, didn't even consider MLC. She is still telling people its over between us, but always adds, some people get back together even aftr 1 or 2 years. My mother in law says she sees the conflict in her daughter, but it will not come to a realization until she sees her affair with this guy as nothing more than passing emotion that she needed from me. She had told one of her friends that at first it was just talking and texts, but now she has fallen in love. He lives with his mother, seprated from his wife of 10 years and their son. he is over his wife's house everyday cutting firewood for her and his son. Sounds to me more like he is making sure he has somewhere to go when this thing with my WAW ends. People are telling me to hang tough, they all believe she is coming back to me and believe she may already be wrestling with that thought. I know there are no guarantees, but I love her too much to give up all hope. I have just found out that a woman at our camp ground has a thing for me and has for a while. when she foud out last month that me and my wife were having issues , she apparently had made a couple of "hits" on me that I was unaware of because I wasn't looking. My kids don't know if their mother will come back to me. My older daughter says she has most likely slept with this guy and why would I want her back? If my wife is truly in MLC (which I believe and so do most of her friends and family) then the WAW syndrone is an effect of this according to what I have been told. I need to know if I should really be holding onto hope. I also want to know from any WAWs if the confusion and conflict that you are going through involves looking at the leaving as a mistake and the if the thought of it being a mistake and a possible PA would keep you from coming back? Does the guilt of leaving, having an affair and rationizing that maybe your marriage is worth fighting something tat will bring you back?

[sandi2]

Dear LonelyD,

Well, bless your heart, I know you are in so much pain to see this happen after all these years. I hear and read of so many M's after 25 years falling apart these days. Well, I had you all beat, I was M 40+ and was about to walk out. There was some arguments about whether or not I could be considered having a MLC at my age (lol) but it doesn't have to happen in "mid-life"....it can happen at any time. I believe it all starts with the wife being unhappy in her life/marriage. She probably tried to say something about it one time and maybe you tuned her out or maybe she never even tried b/c she didn't know how. At any rate, she was miserable with her life and then she found OM and it led to an EA. Oh, and please never say, "just an EA" b/c that is all I had.....but it was devastating. It has taken me almost two years to get past it and I never met the man face to face in real life. So, for a woman, an EA is very real in her mind. She is in a fantasy and she wants to feel in love so badly that she convinces herself that she does feel in love with this jerk whether she is or not. I'm sure she isn't, but she hasn't seen that yet. She is in a state of "limbo" and that is why she is sad and depressed b/c she feels that she is not in control of what is happening in her life. For one thing, she doesn't have the money to do what she would like to do, so that puts a damper on things. But, the fact that she isn't making time for her children and grandchildren......man, that brings back memories for me. It is hard to believe a mature woman could act like a teenager again, but you can get in that state of mind until you are just stupid and make no sense to anyone. That is why you cannot rationlize anything with a WAW that is in MLC or having an A. And you might as well call it that whether they have had a PA or not. In her mind, it is just as real b/c I'm sure she fantasizes about it all the time.

To cut to the chase here, and I don't do this to be curel but to tell you like it is.......until she is over the OM, she isn't going to be in a good place. If she came home tonight, your M would still be in very serious trouble b/c for one thing, she will not "snap out of it", so you must realize that fact and let go of it. This is going to take a long, long time. Your best hope is that she will see him for what he is, but even if she does, she has not fixed herself! You see, that is where the real problem lies. She doesn't know that and she wants to blame your drinking and everything else you have ever done in order to justify her walking away from her family and a marriage of 28 years. Even if she dumped the OM or he dumped her......she would probably go looking for another man....at this point in her life. I know that is hard to hear. I'm sorry. But, you wanted to hear from a WAW and I'm telling you that even though I never actually walked, I was close enough and I continued to be a WAW in my heart for over a year. I just could not let go of the memory of the OM and wondering what it would have been if I had took my chance at happiness..........the whole bit. Even though I stayed in my M, I did not have the feelings for my H that I should have. The desire just was not there. I had no attraction what so ever. I stayed b/c I knew it was the right thing and I could not bring myself to collaspe a family that had always looked at us for it's solid foundation. But, I came sooo close that it is scary.

Your best bet is to follow that list. Continue to read the DR book and all the MLC threads. The more you post to others, the quicker you will build a support system.

I will be checking in with you. Continue to take care of yourself and to do things for yourself. Getting a life and learning that you can live without her is very important. Work on your personality, b/c I know when we are M a long time, we tend to let things slip. Maybe you need to update your wardrobe or your hair cut or whatever. Always look good, smell good enough to gobble up (lol) and use good manners. Always be friendly and upbeat, but don't over-kill so that it appears to be fake.

Sandi

[LonelyD]

Thanks. I was hoping to hear from you actually as i ave read your posts and responses to others. I have done most of the changes in my life, quit drinking cold turkey w/o any problem. I am more aware of my appearance. My personality is definitely back to where it was. I am hoping that the time she is spending away she will at least consider what we had. She has made the comment to a couple of friends that if this thing with OM fails, she can always find someone else. that comment hurts very much. Her friends that are close to both us do agree she is making a huge mistake. everyone around us believes she will eventually come back, or at least they hope so. I am doing the 180 list you had posted. Mostly I rely on the no contact and not believing anything she says. The latter is what keeps my hope alive. She has contacted me a couple of times about nothingness. I don't take these as signs, but she has commented to one friend that she finds me very easy to talk to. I miss my wife very much and love her with all my being. I know from the people around her she appears very depressed and unhappy. I don't understand why she wouldn't want to reconnect with me to get away from these feelings. I have changed and friend of mine have commented on this saying its good to have the old me back. Do you think she has any reservations about leaving? Do you think part of her wants to come back but doesn't know if it can work with all the damge she has created by walking out? My oldest daughter was with her last week and commented that the woman she was with was not her mother. She was very withdrawn. I want to just go up to her, grab her, hold her and kiss her and hope she will respond in kind. The going dark mentallity is what I am trying now. Its only been a week, and it hurts like hell.

Just a note, and maybe you can give me some hope on this, she had been complaining about the house to her mother, when she omes over its a mess, clothes everywhere, bills falling off the counter, etc. Over the past week, she has commented to my younger daughters how good the house looks. when she asks about things at the house the kids tell her I'm going to be painting and moving some furniture around. She has noticed my significant weight loss. I dropped 23 pounds. Most from stress and not eating. but I am maintaining the weight loss and go to the gym when I can. She has commented on how good I look. I do believe she will come back, and I hope it is soon. She does have all the signs of a woman in MLC with WAW being an effect of that. It is very hard to envision my life without her. When I sit alone at night after everyone has gone to bed, it hits home again and again. I have read many books, articles and everything I can get my hands on regarding saving my marriage, getting her to fall back in love with me. All the advice is the same, start by minimizing all contact, get a postive movement going, remove the issues that she says created some of her unhappiness, reflect on these issues and see if they are things I really want to get rid of. I have done all of this. My changes are real and i do not brag or boast them to her. Our family and friends however, do. She does constantly come over to the house after work. She works part time with Wednesdays off, barely gets by financially, but refuses to give up her Wednesdays off. She has mentioned that she needs to get a full time job to her friends, but again, believing nothing she says. She comes over, takes a nap in my bed, grabs a shower, the leaves. She has not moved all of her clothes out or all of her things as she is staying at a friends who gave her a room. the friend also told her she could stay there for a couple of months, but that it can't be a forever kind of thing. A family member who is a psychiatrist has told me her impressions of the situation. I'd like to get your opinion. She feels that my wife had told me her unhappiness was not just with me, but the bills, the house, everything. I was not as active in the house as I was years ago and basically had become a couch potato M-F and a weekend drunk. She feels my wife was unhappy withe the lifestyle, kids not keeping their rooms clean, laundry always piling up, behind on bills, bill collectors calling non stop, the weekend drunken drama, house needing repairs that weren't getting done and a lack of any enthusiasm on my part to do any work on the house. She feels my wife walked away (ran away) from all the stress factors she has been looking at. Over a period of weeks she is seeing no pile of bils as i have taken on the full responsibility of getting them paid, housework is done everyother day, laundry piles do not exist, bedrooms are picked up mostly all the time and the house is in generally good shape. Where she is not around my role in the house has been extreme to say the least. She feels my wife is looking to see this happen, that she is away but keeping her eye on things to see if the issues she had are truly being changed. She also believes my wife willbe back based on her open ended comments and her lack of pursuing any of the things she has said over the past few weeks. I believe the reason my wife keeps her distance from me is because she does still have strong feelings for me and feels that if she gets to close, physically she will fall for me emotionally and that scares her. This family psychiatrist does believe that is probably true to an extent. Am I putting too much faith into what I believe with regard to her coming back? Is the evalauation of my situation that I am being given realistic? How powerful is the minimizing contact with her going to be with regard to her starting to miss me? I put a lot of stock into not believing anything she says, especially the "it's over, I'm not going back with him", I have found she has said quite a few things that were not true, should I hold onto this part of the 180 list as an absolute way to get through this? thanks for all your help and support

[sandi2]

Hi LonelyD,

How are you doing tonight? Wanted to comment on a few things you said in your reply post to me.

“I have done most of the changes in my life, quit drinking cold turkey w/o any problem. I am more aware of my appearance. My personality is definitely back to where it was.”

First of all, I respect anyone that can quit drinking at all, but to do it “cold turkey” tells me that you can do anything you set your mind to do. Working on your appearance is great and if your personality is already back on track, then you are a very disciplined man. You have shown that you can take charge of your life and you have done that by doing what you have with changes around the house.

“I am hoping that the time she is spending away she will at least consider what we had.”

With the others telling her how much you have changed, is what to hope that she really thinks about rather than reminding herself of how it was when she left. But, I do know what you mean in this statement. With a WAW in MLC, it is hard to tell b/c most of the time they have their mind in a fog of fantasy.

“She has made the comment to a couple of friends that if this thing with OM fails, she can always find someone else. that comment hurts very much. “

I know it hurts to hear this, but brace yourself b/c she will more than likely say a lot worse before it is over. Your D is right, b/c this is not the same woman and you have to stop thinking of her as being the way she was when she was your loving wife.

This comment is also an example of what I mean about having their mind in a fog. It also tells me that she really isn’t in love with this OM at all! Remember, I was there also. But, she was so terribly unhappy with how things had become that I think it gave her a hand in stepping off into MLC. That is why she can say, well if this man doesn’t work, another one will be just as good. But, that is the danger in a WAW in MLC. If she does start going from man to man, then she truly will enter a state of “limbo” to the point that she cannot feel those “in-love” emotions again and it just gets to be a vicious circle. The bottom line is that she destroys all the things that made up what she needed to have those feelings. To be honest with you, it was when I read that fact that is scared me enough to stop what I was doing b/c I did not want to end up like that. But, right now, nobody could probably convince her that would happen.

“Her friends that are close to both us do agree she is making a huge mistake. Everyone around us believes she will eventually come back, or at least they hope so.”

That is b/c as friends, they are saying what you want to hear, which is good b/c it gives you hope, but I also want you to be realistic and not get “false” hope. You do what you can to keep improving on yourself, and keep a PMA, but you cannot do anything about her. It is going to hurt a lot more before it gets better, I’m afraid. However, you have proven what you can do when you set your mind to it, so set your mind to make the most out of your life regardless if she is a part of it or not. Sometimes when the WAS sees the LBS drop the rope and turn them loose, it wakes them up.

“I am doing the 180 list you had posted. Mostly I rely on the no contact and not believing anything she says. The latter is what keeps my hope alive. She has contacted me a couple of times about nothingness. I don't take these as signs, but she has commented to one friend that she finds me very easy to talk to.”

I know how hard 180’s are, so again, you are doing great! Don’t believe the negative things she says, b/c most of that is her trying to either convince herself or other people that she is justified in leaving you. The statement about you being easy to talk to and the fact she found some excuse to call……is a positive sign.

“I miss my wife very much and love her with all my being.”

I know you do. This is not going to be easy. That is why they call it a roller coaster ride.

“I know from the people around her she appears very depressed and unhappy.”

WAW’s are not happy people. They are confused and trying to find happiness. All they know is that they were miserable. That is why she turned to OM, trying to find her “escape”. One day, she may “appear” to some people that she is fine b/c she is trying to fake it. Again, it is part of the ride.

“I don't understand why she wouldn't want to reconnect with me to get away from these feelings. I have changed and friend of mine have commented on this saying its good to have the old me back.”

So many H’s say the very same thing as you’ve just said. They don’t understand anything about why she is doing what she is doing and why she doesn’t love her H enough to go home and try again and can’t she remember how great it was at one time? You are only torturing yourself to ask these questions that you can’t do anything about. She will not act like your old wife…….even if she comes home soon…….she won’t be the same. And, BTW, you want her to get this MLC think out of her system b/c your M won’t work unless she is willing to try very, very hard and sees a pro-marriage counselor to help her get through it. Some couples go back together too quickly and then it is to do all over again. At first, it is almost a honeymoon period, but then the old problems start to crop up again. Another thing is that you need longer to have all your changed behavior patterns established for life, or they too will slip by the wayside and she will believe it was simply a ploy to get her back. That is why it MUST be for you…..for you to become the best man that you can……and not a gimmick to get your wife back. It won’t work any other way. She will be watching you to see if these changes are going to stick. Rest assured of that!

“Do you think she has any reservations about leaving? Do you think part of her wants to come back but doesn't know if it can work with all the damage she has created by walking out?”

It is possible that she has regrets and I’m sure she never wanted to hurt her family. That is why women stay in an unhappy stitch for so long is b/c they don’t want to cause damage to anyone. But, then it becomes almost like a survival issue, and she is like a caged lion that has to escape or she feels that she will go crazy. Her freedom becomes more valuable at that point than anything else. It fuels her courage to leave. WAW’s have guilt at what they have done to their family by leaving. They feel selfish, even if they try to convince themselves that they deserve to be happy, etc. I think only cold, heartless women do not have some of these feelings toward the loved ones they left. As far as “it working with all the damage she has created by walking out”………I doubt seriously that she would take all the blame. Remember, you had your share of the breakdown in the MR. She is not ready to take all that blame right now. Nor, will she ever be ready to take it all. If and when the time comes to “talk” about it, you must let her know that you realize your part of the destruction. You can’ t blame her just b/c she was the one that actually physically left. She felt that you checked out a long time ago and left her holding it all together. A woman can’t do that when she has a H there with her. She can, if she is a single mother and has to, but not when there is a man in the house that is suppose to be the head of the home. Woman natural instincts are to depend on her H to help and lead the family. So, don’t blame her with all the destruction b/c as you have stated yourself, you let things go that needed to be fixed around the house and got drunk on the weekends. So, that tells me that you lost pride in how your home lost. You lost pride in your MR and family. You had no desire (or at least did not show it) to have anything special to do with the family on weekends, b/c your plans were to get drunk and lay on the couch. Not to be cruel to you, but honestly, being the kind of woman I am…….I would have left a long, long time ago.

You see, what you have done is that you feel that you have “gotten your act together” now and so you expect her to get hers together. Well, I’m sorry, but you caused to much damage to her! That hurts, too, doesn’t it? To hear somebody tell you in so plain of words. But, it is the truth. No woman chooses to leave her H and her kids when she is happy in her marriage. I don’t know any plainer to get than that. So, own your part of the responsibility for the breakdown and continue to make your changes for the better. Then, give her time. Give her lots and lots of time b/c she will need that in order to heal and to get through the MLC and to see that your changes are going to stick.

She also needs to see you getting a life and being somewhat mysterious about it. I am not saying to start seeing other women or anything like that. Certainly don’t hit the bar scenes….that would be disastrous. But, just get out and do things you once enjoyed doing when you were single. Get a hobby or sport. Go somewhere and see a friend. Anything that will get you out around people. Those same friends will be telling her that they saw you at certain places and how great you looked. It is fine for them to tell her…..just not you. If she asks questions, you just don’t have to give all the details. Be vague.

“I want to just go up to her, grab her, hold her and kiss her and hope she will respond in kind.”

I know you were just expressing your frustrations b/c that would be the last thing you need to do!

“The going dark mentality is what I am trying now. Its only been a week, and it hurts like hell. “

Yes, from what everyone says, it hurts very badly, but they also say that it does get easier. When your self esteem starts to rise, you will find that you feel better about everything. When you start getting a life and finding an interest in something besides just constantly thinking about her all the time……it will get better. Besides, it makes you a more interesting person yourself.

“She does constantly come over to the house after work.”

You mentioned this and some other rather strange behavior for a woman that doesn’t want to be a part of that family. I don’t think she has washed her hands completely, yet. I think there is hope. If she sees you are fixing repairs on the house and keeping things clean, then that will really get her attention. That would be a very positive thing to work on. Also, her saying how good you look is great. At least she is not repulsed at the sight of you like some WAW’s can be toward their H’s. So, let’s hope there is enough attraction there that you can get her attention, keep it, and it will only get better.

I do think you will have trials ahead of you if she is truly in MLC b/c that is just part of it and nobody gets out easy……not the WAW and not the LBH. Going dark is good. However, I’m sure it must be hard if she is coming over. Strange that she takes a nap in your bed. Maybe she misses your scent. So, be sure to wear good smelling cologne to bed at night so that is what she smells when she comes for her little naps (lol). Scents have a lot of affect on a female. Oh, and be sure to keep the sheets changed often so they will be nice and fresh.

“Am I putting too much faith into what I believe with regard to her coming back?”

No, keep the faith. That is what will keep you going, but don’t put all of your energy 24 hours a day into thinking about her and the stitch and whether or not she will or won’t come back. It will drain you completely and you will give up. You don’t want to do that.

“Is the evaluation of my situation that I am being given realistic?”

I think it is.

“How powerful is the minimizing contact with her going to be with regard to her starting to miss me? “

You wondered why she did not miss what the two of you had. How else will she miss you unless you are away from her? I think she needs to miss you. By coming to the house and doing some of the things she does, to me, says that she may already be doing that. Don’t do like some men and go crazy when they get a little encouragement. Even if she gives you a tiny bit………keep cool and don’t react. The last thing she needs it to have you fall all over her and try to kiss and hug her. Think of an actor that you think is really “cool” with the women. My favorite is Rhett Butler, but I’m old fashion. Anyway, it seems to help some of the younger men to focus on trying to fashion their manners at being “cool” after their hero. So, if it works……try it. One of my favorite people here on the bb that has just had a successful DB story of his own, did that by thinking of James Bond (which I couldn’t see being realistic, but it worked for him). At any rate, he started being cool instead of over reacting to whatever his wife said to him. I don’t mean to be cold as a fish, but “cool” like the kids say.

“I put a lot of stock into not believing anything she says, especially the "it's over, I'm not going back with him", I have found she has said quite a few things that were not true, should I hold onto this part of the 180 list as an absolute way to get through this?”

Absolutely!! DB works and you must believe in it. I too, have read a lot of books on marriages and what makes them better, etc. But this is the best and most realistic book, along with Dr. Harley’s, that I have ever read. They say about the same, just use different terms.

Wheeee, a long post tonight. Hope you have a good night’s sleep. It is important to eat a good diet and to get enough sleep.

Sandi

[LonelyD]

I am so glad you have replied to me. You offer me such hope and give me strength. As for the blame, I have accepted my part. her's is simply this, she drank and got overly flirtatious. Being a jealous person, the influence of alcohol and her flirting was sending me over the edge. I felt as if she did it just to piss me off. I do not blame her for this. I have reflected on my behavior and wish we had spoken about it prior to the bomb. It was very eye opening and sad. I cried very hard when I looked at myself through her eyes and saw what I had become. I am the opposite of that if you can believe it. I feel her A is going to end and it is going to be a train wreck for her. I have told her on several occasions, I am here for you, always was, always will be. I don't push it. She called last night looing for me. She needed me to transfer a couple of dollars to her account. Like 10 bucks. Told herI couldn't do it till morning. I went to my daughters to do some work and took my son with me. She text me 3xs during the night. About only having 5 bucks in the account, can't you transfer over the computer. I told my son, I got the feeling she was trying to see if I was home. Well sure enough, I got home and my youngest daughter told me she called about 7 o'clock looking for me. My daughter told her I was out, not where. I have told my kids to keep my coming and goings a mystery to her. they love it. She text me at 7:10 PM, 9:00 PM and again at 9:20 PM. She was most likely at her girlfriends where she is staying. I have delayed my responses to her deliberately. I did respond to her 7 o'clock text at a little before 9. She responded immediately. I waited 20 minutes and responded to the 9 o'clock text. she responded immediately. I finaly told her I couldn't do anything until this morning and that was that. I found this odd until my daughter talked to me later. My son was laughing his ass off. He is mama's boy and is not happy with her right now.

Her check is in the bank and I have not transferred the 10 she requeted. really don't see the need. Sjhe was supposed to contact me regarding the brakes in her car. I did tell her tuesday morning to call me Wednesday night or thursday afternoon. She said, "I'll come by thursday night around 6 so you can look at it" Told her to call I may not be home. She asked if I had plans and I told her , not yet, but you never know lately. I am really not expecting a phone call, but my kids think wshe will most likely text me. Again, I think when she speaks to me she breaks down emotionally. I am extremely calm lately. this is not me, it was who I was back in high school. Spoke softly but was very mysterious, real tough guy and very popular. I know she put up walls, but one of her friends thinks i cracked it when I spoke with her about her financial situation last Wednesday night. I'd like to thik that. Since last Wednesday she seems to reach out to me every day or two , really about nothing. why she needed 10 dollars last night is a prime example. Her check goes in the bank at 9, she works less than 10 minutes away from where she works. Her girlfriends definitely would have given her 10 dollars till tonight. Don't like reading into it , but it is kinda funny.

Anyway something else is happening and I'd like your opinion. There is a woman at my campground who apparently has a thing for me. there is a banquest saturday for the end of the season. She is going with her mother, who was taking the other daughter. From what I was emailed this morning, some lan has been in place for a couple of weeks for her to end up at my table, next to me. I like to dance and raise hell, even withut drinking. she likes to dance also. she is very good looking, not as nice as the wife, but definitely good looking. I am flattered that she has put this kind of effort together and have no problem dancing with her and hanging out at the fire afterwards. But....I am told the weekend is going to be GOOD for me...I am almost hesitant to go...People have been telling me I look great, I do actually, sounds vain, but I really do, Richard Gere kinda looks from what I'm told. The thing I am afraid of is that I feel emotionally vulnerable at this point. If I spend time with her and I feel myself slide, I could end up starting something I don't want to start b/c it would potentiually hurt my recociliation. On the other hand, I feel if I don't take this oportunity head on, I will not know if I really want what I want. Sounds weird, but almost like what she is going through. Am I wrong? Again thanks, you are awesome, this whole site is awesome. And I have taken hold of my responsibility in this, square on the chin. she does need to look at her end other than she was drinking too uch and partying. she needs to see herself through my eyes to understand how and why i got to where I was. Thanks,

[sandi2]

This is just my opinion, okay? I believe since the seperation has been a short time and there has been no divorce set in motion, and especially since you are very vulnerable right now, that going out with a woman that seems to have the "hots" for you would be playing with fire. I know you could finds a thousand excuses to go out and have fun......and you should.....just not with a good looking, sexy woman that sounds like she would be easy to get into bed. You have enough problems on your hands without getting another person involved in this mess. Besides, movies like "Fatal Attraction" and some more keep coming to mind....lol.

You do want to GAL, and you do want to be somewhat mysterious to your W, but you do not want to intentionly try to make her jealous with another woman......not that I think this is what you were doing here. I think you are lonely and want a woman's company. That is what concerns me! Even if you were not attracted to her.....even if you were just a "friend"......being as vulnerable as you are could be dangerous.

So, I hope you will think it over carefully. If the woman asks any questions, I would thank her very much and tell her you are most flattered, but as long as you are still married, that you don't feel that you need to set yourself up in a situation that could make things worse. Of course, if she is pushy and starts coming back with all kinds of responses to your reasons......then you just need to firmly say, "Thanks, but no thanks", b/c she is out for more than just being a "friend" for you! That is the type of female that you need to stay away from.

Anyway, hope you will think it over carefully.

Take care,
Sandi

[AmyC]

LD - understand that if you go out with another woman, even if you say it's just as friends, you are compromising yourself, your marriage and your stand.

I know that lonliness is tough but be smart.

If you have chosen to stand for your marriage, you have to keep yourself above reproach.

It might not always seem fair but trust me, as a former MLC/WAW, your wife is watching everything you do.

And you are either proviong that you are someone that she can come back to and fall apart in front of...or you are not.

In this crazy mess, THAT'S the one choice that IS yours.


Good luck,

AmyC

[LonelyD]

Thank you AMy and Sandi. after I had replied, I had thought about the situation. I want my wife back and i know this would have been very wrong. Amy as a former MLC/WAW can you give me a timeline about where she might be in this mess? Sandi, I really would like your opinion on this as well. Yes I am lonely, yes I am vulnerable and have no desire to be with anyone other than my wife. I was flattered, but I let people know that my positon is unchanged, I beleive my wife will come back and don't want to do anything that may change it. the loneliness is tough. I have people I talk with, they listen, they give me support, but it doesn't remove the loneliness. I am having a very bad day today. Found out last sunday at the camp, she asked a couple of our friends she was hanging out with, if it would be ok if the OM stopped by. One of our friends left, immediately. the other couple, the wife walked away and the husband talked to him, mostly to say how wrong this all was, that you were suppose to be his friend and you did this. Tell yourselves anything you want to make yourselves feel better or convinvce yourself that this is what it is, but your lying to yourselves. I thanked them all for this.

I cannot get my arms around it still. I was at the camp Friday night and so was she. she was meeting up with the OM at some dance club when he got out of work , he works till 11. We played LCR which is a dice game with some friends who asked me to sit down and play. i did not sopeak with my W, but was having fun and getting good comments from the women playing how wonderfull ti was that I was still on the wagon and how good i looked. After the second game, she went into the bathroom, locked the door and called the OM. she talked with him for about 10-15 minutes. 3 weeks ago she did the same thing, she saw me, I didn't speak with her, she went ito the bathroom to talk with him. Is it possible that I am getting to her emotionally? what I mean is, if I am near here and I am dark, no really talking with her but having a good time and laughing, is she calling him to remind herself she is happy with someone else? I don't understadn why she wouldn't go outside to talk or whatever. Is she seeing me in a new light and it could be bothering her that I am really changed and she feeling it? I am not trying to analyze all this but it is strange that she would do this the two times we were out socially in the same event. I have not spoken with ehr or text since Friday night. I did disappear Friday night over to a friends place and waited until she left before I went back to my camp. Firends told me she left, then came back and was asking where I was. No one knew. They told her I got a text and a phone call and left. There is a chance that she had heard about the woman at the camp who liked me. Although she wasn't there, my W would have had no way of knowing whethter she was or wasn't. I am suppose to do her brakes on her car for her wednesday night, again she wants me to do them and didn't ask heer brother the mechanic. I see this as a positive sign, mayb trying to get some sort of connection going with me. One friend suggests she may be feeling me out, seeing how I repsond to her. You two would know better having gone through it. A friend of mine who went through it 23 years ago, wasn't up this weekend. she and her husband have been giving the same advice as this website. My W looks worse, seesm to have lost more weight and even her hair looks thin. she colors it everytime she meets up with this OM. Keeping her hair darker to look yunger, but the weight loss is making her face look older. I miss her terribly. I don't feel like i need her anymore, but now I seem to want her more than ever. Is this strange? Sandi, you said it will get worse before it gets better, worse, how? I don't think It can get any worse than it is. I am connecting with friends I haven't talked to since this all started. One friends girlfriend had told him that my W was seeing someone, not a lot of details. But she also told him that my W looks awful and that she deosn't seemto be herself. She seems different, withdrawn and depressed. I am meeting them this week just to say hi. It is two months today since the bomb. Oct 6 would be my 28th wedding anniversary. It will be a hhard day for me. Her mother wants to see how my W handles the day. she told me that maybe that will snap her out of it. I told it would be a nice thought, but probably unlikely. Although some people I have talked with say that these types of things can jar people into rethinking what they have done. Any thoguhts? Thanx again to both of you for your support. Yes I did take stock in myself and feel that even thoguh she is with OM, and people are telling me whats good for the goose..., I cannot be unfaithful. two wrongs don't amke it right.