Feeling panicked and trapped. I have been crying on and off for 8 hours now, and I literally don't know what I should do. I mean I have NO idea. It would be one thing if H just truly thought things were over, but the way that he is being so disrespectful and horrible is just shocking. I don't know what to do about my life in Dublin. I really don't. I can't believe he called tonight too. Every day is like another nail in the coffin. I don't think he would even care if I did file for divorce. I can't believe he actually used that word today either. I thought DBing was supposed to make things better, but he has gotten so much meaner to me, and other than the backslides you saw on my IM, I have been really good.
ITH
Me:34 H:36 M:5 years T: 8 years Bomb: 07/17/08 I want to be separated for 6 months--I don't know what I want the outcome to be S 07/28/08-11/08/08 Living together ~7 months D Possibly busted?!?!!!
If you can be short without being short, you'll be good. If you know what I mean.
Be concerned with you, but not hostile toward him. Just keep yourself as the priority. And when he tries to call or converse or any other cake-eating . . . be concerned about what you need to do, because you're too busy for his BS.
ITH....I hope you were able to get a decent nights sleep after the day that you had. Here's wishing you a great Thursday!! Start the day off with a smile and don't let anyone or anything take it off of you!!
I'm sorry about everything you are going through now. I can't even imagine the pain. I wish I could beat up your DAM too! He is being BEYOND ridiculous. He is so topsy-turvy he doesn't even know which way is up! Grrr!!! DAM, DAM, DAM.
I honestly don't think staying in the friends house is a mistake, you will at least feel better than you do now in Poland. A little less isolated. I would imagine. It will give more time to sort things out.
But honestly I think you really should do a little research into a legal separation. Your man is not thinking right now, period. You need to protect yourself. There would be ways of dividing things up and figuring out the debt in a way that would offer you a safety net. I know you do not like the idea because it is closer to divorcing but I also think you would feel much much better to have some protection against his insanity. I like what BH said that he might just have to drop out of school to pay his bills. Tough cookie to him! He needs a reality check and the sooner the better. For your sanity at least look into it.
And you are right, back waaaay the heck up and do not talk to him anymore. If he IMs ignore, if he calls ignore. You are going dark sista! Let him see how like is without you at his beck and call.
Yeah I am beyond hurt now. I really just need some inspiration. I think I will set up a call with Jody before taking any drastic moves. I will definitely not be taking H's calls. If he IMs me I probably won't ignore as I don't want to seem petty, but will have some nice 1 word responses. If he wants R talk I'll say I'm at work and that it needs to wait, or if I'm at home, that I'm too busy.
The thing about the finances is that all of the debt is in my name. This is why I am the one in big trouble if we legally separate.
So I'll stay at the friend's house and that buys a month where I guess who knows what will happen. I can't believe I may be spending Xmas alone this year.
So you think H is being ridiculous too? I mean it's one thing to feel like you're through and end something, cruel and a mistake that it might be, but to be so hostile! I think he's being immature too...this is why I really wanted to talk to his mom. I just think she'd give him better advice if she knew he wasn't living in reality...:(
Let's see which personality appears today. I do hope he reaches out so I can snub him...
Hovering between anger and devastation...
ITH
Me:34 H:36 M:5 years T: 8 years Bomb: 07/17/08 I want to be separated for 6 months--I don't know what I want the outcome to be S 07/28/08-11/08/08 Living together ~7 months D Possibly busted?!?!!!
I always love your advice-matter of fact and to the point. I won't be hostile as this shows I've been impacted by his words, but I will be distant and as short as it's possible to be without being overtly mean.
I don't plan to take any calls from him. Thing that's difficult is that he sees when I'm online at work, and knows when I'm around. I guess in terms of calls can say I'm too busy at work to deal with them.
Also, just have to throw it out there. Can you believe he suggested that I go to Argentina for 3 months to work or the US as if I can just pick and choose and don't have a real job where I am managing a team...
ITH
Me:34 H:36 M:5 years T: 8 years Bomb: 07/17/08 I want to be separated for 6 months--I don't know what I want the outcome to be S 07/28/08-11/08/08 Living together ~7 months D Possibly busted?!?!!!
Just wondering whether anyone else has dealt with the same amount of hostility that I am seeing from my H and managed to get past it? Quite frankly given that there were no affairs, lying etc., I am shocked.
I almost wish that he would have an affair so that he would feel bad about something and potentially see what he is missing. I know that sounds like a horrible thing to say, but I just can't fathom what catalyst might bring my H back to the land of reality again.
ITH
Me:34 H:36 M:5 years T: 8 years Bomb: 07/17/08 I want to be separated for 6 months--I don't know what I want the outcome to be S 07/28/08-11/08/08 Living together ~7 months D Possibly busted?!?!!!
ITH, I have seen it generally on the boards. It almost makes me grateful for being stonewalled but at the same time with that comes a different set of frustrations. Honestly, I don't think there is a catalyst - there is no magic answer apart from time and I think that is the hardest thing.
Say you were to separate, would he cope financially without you? It seems to me like you are subsidising him at the moment. It just may be that taking away the safety net may be an option. Just something that struck me. Jody's the expert, maybe see what she suggests in your session.
Yeah I am not sure if silence or anger is better!?
In H's case he is also consumed with guilt. Last night he said he was close to just saying that we could live together so that at least one of us could be happy. I wish I'd said great, thanks. As long as one of us is happy! The angrier he is, the guiltier he is as well. I also don't believe for a second that he doesn't love me, not a second. Otherwise, he'd be only cold. I have seen this before. I still seem to get to him soooo much.
The problem with the finances is that I have more debt, so, if we were to separate finances, I would actually be the one in trouble. The point is in terms of me subsidizing that I am using my bonuses and such to cover his school, true. However without his income, I wouldn't be able to pay my student loans on an ongoing basis. The other thing that I am doing, that maybe I shouldn't be doing, is trying to find solutions for the separation that entail me moving places and thus not costing him/us any money. It DOES help me financially, but also makes him think that this is my responsibility somehow. I am not sure what I will do when I get back. I really need Jody's help on this I think. He has said 6 months. I am pretty sure he will not be ready by the end of that time, BUT it could be that he just needed to be in control so much that 6 months will be sufficient because it was his own timeline. I don't know. I don't know how much to talk about my own needs and wants anymore. I feel like I blew it a little yesterday. He is also still saying that he wants occasional couples counseling, but I have no idea why. Maybe I will try to find a solution based therapist in Dublin and give it a shot once to see if he actually is open or not. Thing is I do believe that he WANTS to want to be with me, just doesn't want to put any effort into getting to that place. He even did listen to me a little yesterday when I said that I thought it would be better for both of us if we could quit focusing on the past, and he seemed to agree, but doesn't care. He is also too worried about me counting on things working out. I got pretty annoyed at one point and said "I'm not just pathetic and sitting around waiting for you. I need to get on with my life with or without you, and I would never feel good about myself if I didn't get this every effort." He said he didn't think I was pathetic either...UGH. I feel close to hating him now. The thing that is so frustrating is that i had a gut feeling all week that something big was going to happen, but I thought it would be positive.
Anyway I have a lot of decisions to make in the next couple of weeks. I do know that I'm not giving up my business trip to Valencia, whether he likes it or not.
ITH
Me:34 H:36 M:5 years T: 8 years Bomb: 07/17/08 I want to be separated for 6 months--I don't know what I want the outcome to be S 07/28/08-11/08/08 Living together ~7 months D Possibly busted?!?!!!
NO contact from DAM today, although it's possible he'll reach out from school later. I sent an email asking him to transfer money and telling him I got paid. Both were necessary, even though I had no desire to communicate with him.
I truly feel lost. I want our home back, and I feel like with the S, it might just be too far gone...
Alright 30 more minutes before the DB center is open and I can make an appointment with Jody...
ITH
Me:34 H:36 M:5 years T: 8 years Bomb: 07/17/08 I want to be separated for 6 months--I don't know what I want the outcome to be S 07/28/08-11/08/08 Living together ~7 months D Possibly busted?!?!!!
