Jayce's thread

[Jayce]

Funny you should ask. Got them at library, thought about buying so I could write in the margins. SSW made me cry. Lately I can't seem to do anything else when I get involved w/the problem. What causes crying? Feeling helplesness.

SSW helped in that I found I'm not alone in all this. I read it after several other books about male loss of libido. Got into the whole thing up to my neck including sexual dysfunctions. Even took notes. Asked him to read parts of a couple. No dice. Read some notes to him. Not receptive. By the time I got to SSW I'd already made appt. w/family Dr. "To talk about effects of BP meds on erectile function" He went, got script & blood draw for T-test. Later told me he was deeply embarrasssed about the whole experience. In his book that means I owe him in some way.

Meanwhile I continued reading medical stuff both on line and books. You've read my comments about nicotine's effects. He did quit the cigars aboaut 2 mo. ago. Pills work, he doesn't like them. I think he's afraid they'll cause a heart attack. Would not read information about how they work.

SSW tells me not to feel ugly, whatever. Repeated some of what I'd already read about psych issues, PE, anger. I'd figured out the anger. He later confirmed it. Knew he has apnea, know its a libido killer. Never really pushed for sleep test before, probably should have. It may have contributed to his heart attack.

SSM eventually caused more tears, especially the part directed to the LD partner basically telling them they need to make an effort. I am not unobjective. I saw myself in many of the comments. Even without all that, I knew I couldn't keep being direct. My usual way of persuading or convincing is to use facts, including scientifically proven information and basic physiology. He didn't want to hear any of that. Got the How to Get Through to the Man You Love book. Short story, tried a lot of the stuff. Some worked. Simple basics like I'd like you to not sound angry when you talk to me. (He's not always, but he's gruff, complains about a lot of other unrelated things and he's not really mad or upset, just talking.) Did a few other similar things. He knows that like your wife, seeing his genitals is a turn on. Thanked him for going to the Dr. even tho it was embarrassing. Weathered the huge tantrum he threw before having the sleep test. Continued doing the stuff in the "how to" book.

He refuses to be involved in any goal setting or soul searching or anything like that. So I continued on my own best I could. Occasionally he is willing to have sex. Not often. Initiated 3 times, unfortunately, 2 of those were shortly after rejections & I was miserable & about as turned on as a stone at the North Pole. Later explained in non-blaming way how that works. Can't tell if he's clueless or just hopes it'll be OK. All along I've felt most of the sex was either a charity thing or to get me off his back.

I've been losing weight all summer. Need to lose more. Was not obese. Never wanted to look "middle aged" but loss of daughter kinda blew away any energy or motivation I had for a long time. I spend time with my horse, golfing, usual stuff. He's fine with that, but if I'm not here on a Sat. or Sun. most of the day, he mentions it. Don't know why. He spends both afternoons napping. Not like he wanted to go somewhere together, do something fun. So I'm trying to take care of myself. (read your 4 steps)

Working on the Mars Venus book now. He won't read that either, trust me. He feels I'm trying to "change him 1000%", control him, say he's wrong, stupid, whatever words he can blow out of his mouth as loud & fast as he can. His mother used to employ yelling at people to make them go away when they were trying to get her to do something she didn't want to, or that scared her, or that'd result in her admitting to something she wanted to hide. He does pretty much the same thing. I'm not sure if he really thinks I'm nuts or there's something wrong with me or he just says that to scare me, lose confidence,make me shut up. I guess we can add the excuse that he's "OLD" to the bad back and all the rest.

I am higher desire than he is but not exeptionally HD. Being told he wasn't interested in sex anymore raised it way up, as you might guess. If I were to say the same to him, he wouldn't have the same reaction. Not smoking might be closest he could relate.

A big part of this is his failure to take care of himself. I haven't gone over the edge like this since his brother died of lung cancer 20 yrs ago (also a lifetime smoker)and I wanted him to quit. He did. Sure. Every time he left the house he'd have a cig. If I wasn't home, he'd be working in the yard, smoking. Hid 'em in the garage, under the spare tire.....Smoked at work. Refused to take statins back then also. I cannot lose anyone else. He knows I feel that way. My kids have their lives and interests. I don't want to be dependent on them for company, daily conversation, etc. And they can't take the place of a spouse.

I can't lose having a sex life for many of the same reasons. Intimacy, sensuality, touching, shared pleasurable experiences. And I hate that I have to try to keep it together and do this whole thing alone with zero input and little or no cooperation from him. When I got upset today, he said he thought things were getting better. Well, yeah, they were, a little. I was being really nice, doing the program, we had sex a couple times and now its back to he's, tired, has a cold, sore back, after napping all afternoon.... So I suppose he thinks because he responded a little a few weeks ago that's all he needs to do. Now he can quit again. And he still thinks I'm nuts and need a shrink. I asked him if he'd prefer I left him alone and had an affair. No answer. Omerta. Secrecy. The silent man. Do not let your girls marry Italians, especially Sicilians.

Guess I overdid the answer. Sorry