Another one for me

[sandycay]

Jen- while we did date, it was mostly long distance and got married 6 months to the day from when we met. You and I both had quickies....

I told you before that Jodie, my DB coach told me what to do but I ignored her suggestions for a few weeks...then something sparked me to jump on the band wagon because he wasn't headed home at that time and I figured what have I got to lose....he was already gone....so I did.....for 2 months straight....with nothing changing.....he tried to engage in a couple of "issues" with me, but I did not take the bait.....just affirmed and agreed and I NEVER EVER asked any questions about his life. EVER, EVER...you need to stick to work and daughter.....but make it brief.....my husband didn't want a set schedule either because of the way his job was...he's nice, I was nice....but I put up boundaries....why? Because it showed him what divorce really looks like.....it doens't look like he drops by a lot or takes you to the store....start depending on yourself to do these daily task. That's a 180 no matter how big a pain it is.

Plus, it's one way to show him you can do this without him. Plus, you'll be GAL while doing these little things you rely on him for. Rely on yourself to do these things....now if he starts offering take him up on it. But also turn him down every now and then...Keep up the Hash because it really bothers him.

My husband had a thousand questions about my GAL when he came home. Funny how he thought I was doing one things when it really was another. I stopped telling my kids what I was doing by being vague with them, because he was asking them.

I never lied about though if he ask straight out....I guess he never really did because after all, I was giving him space to do what he wanted so it would have seemed foolish for him the be asking me about my life...and wasn't it my H that said the marriage thing was just on paper....HA

Okay Jen- do you agree with your husbands assessment of you? If the answer is YES then change yourself....but only if you want to be happy and possibly reconciling with him . If not, keep doing the same old same old.

Coach- I don't know what BTDT means?

I think my most updated threads are in Piecing but I have the order of them backwards I think the 2nd one should be the first one. I didn't post alot but absorbed a lot from reading here...

Here's what I learned:

1) some people can do this flawless and it won't matter
2) some people can't do this and it will matter
3) It takes time and some of these spouses are just gone for good
4) No one can determine which one yours will be
5) Engaging in arguments is BAD
6) Validate and detach (as applicable in each situation)
7) Get a DB coach if you can, if not read this BB and DR(your
not sleeping anyway)
8) If you drink stop...I wouldn't even have a glass of wine
because I knew what would happen (buzzed emotional meltdown
in front of him)
9) Handle yourself appropriately in front of your children, this one is most important...children learn by example..
10)Assuming what they are doing and what is really going on is
way different...I found all this out when he came home..you
are on their minds a lot more than you think. So with that don't you want their thoughts to be either A. See what a controlling Biatch she is or B. Hey, she's totally cool, self sufficient and no pressure. That's what the OP is doing for them so it's your chance to behave the same way.

Okay enough said. LOL Wow, I got on my DB underwear today!