The problem is that my L has only seen 3 Parenting Evaluations overturned in his 35 years of practicing, so this is pretty much going to be the final ruling in our case.
The parenting evaluator did say that he was concerned that W's hostility toward me would make it difficult for me to interact w/ D, but yet he won't let me have her more than the state minimum allows.
I have to now focus on being the best father I can w/D in the 8 days a month I get to see her. I will only have one night a week to work on homework w/ her, so I'll have to make it count as I won't be there for the rest of her school - except on the phone.
That is another area that is difficult as last night was yet another instance where I called and W didn't answer her phone. D didn't call me back, so I didn't have a chance to speak w/ her at all.
I've needed closure to this part and I'm not happy w/ the result, but at least I have a result. I can move forward now, but I still wish I didn't have to do it under these circumstances.
I was able to finish my teaching day and just now let myself cry a little bit. I have to find a way to make it to a parent-teacher meeting in about 45 minutes, so I couldn't really let it all come out. I'm sure I'll be able to have that chance coming up very soon.
I'm sad. I guess that is the best way I can put it. I'm just very, very sad.
Rob, I am so sorry to hear this and shocked at the parent evaluator. How could he not see that someone who has a casual boyfriend "sleep over" in front of a young child is not responsible. Unbelievable, but who knows what kind of dirty pool her L played. The only positive thing about this is that it will be easier on your D not to have to live in 2 homes. Her main one just should have been with you especially with your W's drinking. I am sure you encounter many students as I do who say they left their homework or text book at their Father's or Mother's and they are not going to be there till next week. Going back and forth between 2 places is so hard on kids. I know you are devastated but you don't know what the future holds. Right now your W is pissed because of money. Maybe after the reality of being a single parent kicks in, things will be different. She may ask you take D more and more in the future as some of her om's might feel a young child cramps their style. Have a good cry and then try to realize that at least you will now be sure of when you will see D. Did the parent evaluator say anything about vacations? Maybe you can tell your lawyer to go for this in with the judge. Feel better!
Rob, I could not stop thinking, while I was working out, how wrong this is for you and for Grace. I am still hoping for a miracle for you both before it is all final.
My brother got shafted in his custody case for his son over 18 years ago. He waited patiently as his son grew and as his exW deteriorated in her abuse of alcohol and increase of her anger. Finally the day came when she hit the son when he was around 14 - the son had enough of living with his mother and my brother pressed for full custody which he got with no problem.
What bothers me is that some of these parenting evaluators fail to learn and see what is really in the best interest of the child in the long run.
Thank you. Thank you. Thank you. I really appreciate all the kind words and support.
I am crushed, but I know I'll be able to rebound. I really don't have a choice. How can I be strong for my D if I'm not strong for myself? The simple answer is I can't, so I have to get out of this as quickly as I can.
I get D from Friday after school until Sunday at 5 pm, so I'll be so happy to see her. I may end up holding her a little bit tighter than normal this weekend, however.
W sent me a snotty e-mail this morning chastising me for being 20 minutes late to pick up D last Friday. It is the 2nd time I've picked her up from school and I left my school at the same time both times. The 1st time I was a few minutes early and the 2nd I was late. Hey, I'm trying to figure things out as to when to leave, etc., but of course, W cuts me ZERO slack.
W also said that D feels like I've forgotten her when I'm late. I wonder if W is helping to fuel these feelings? I'm sure she's not giving me any support.
So, who knows? Maybe W will chill out a bit now that she's "won" the custody battle. I doubt it. It really makes no sense b/c the evaluator said he was concerned W would make things difficult for me to see D and interact w/ her and yet he still gives her primary custody. I really don't get it.
His report said he only recommends joint custody if both parents get along reasonably well and it is obvious that W and I don't get along, so he can't in good conscious recommend 50/50. The problem here is that W is the one causing all the friction, not me. I'm taking the high road and she's the one who's angry, condescending, and controlling. I really don't get it and I just can't see the fairness of this whole process.
I was under the distinct impression that unless I could be proven to be an unfit father, I'd get 50/50. No where in the report did it say I was unfit, yet, I'm out in the cold.
I exercised tonight then burst into tears when I got home. I had a good, loud, long cry and it helped. I'm still so incredibly saddened by all this, but I do realize that now I have to make the most of whatever little time I get w/ my baby. That is really all I can do. Maybe in time, she'll come to see how I feel about her and she'll know how hard I tried for her.
My heart is very heavy tonight. I'm going to try and get some sleep. I'll talk to you all tomorrow. Thank you again my friends for being there for me.
First of all, Nut, thanks my man. Your "man hug" was accepted and appreciated.
Latest update...
I've gone back over and re-read my copy of the parenting evaluation. It is frustrating b/c I've been given a lot of "credit" and was "commended" by the parenting evaluator for being open and honest. Yet, b/c I admitted that I did yell at my W at times when I was angry and frustrated and I did pound my fist on a counter or a wall - mostly b/c I was upset w/ myself and I wasn't directing this at my wife at all - the evaluator decided there had been "domestic violence" in the house despite how I tried to "spin it."
So, b/c my W was able to convince herself, her peers, her friends, and her family that I was abusive. And now, my W has been able to convince the evaluator as well.
Thus, I've been labeled as an instigator of "domestic violence" by the parenting evaluator in Arizona. Now I don't have to register or anything, but that was the opinion for the court.
I was also given a lot of "credit" for working on myself in therapy, but the evaluator also felt that since we "can't get along" then we shouldn't have joint custody. The thing is I'm not the one being difficult, but I'm being punished for it. I took the high road and I get the short end.
My L said there isn't really anything else to do in this fight, so I'm pretty much stuck w/ these guidelines. I'll get two exclusive weeks w/ D in the summer, and then every other weekend and a mid-week overnight. Thus, I roughly get her for 1/3 of the calendar year, so I'll just have to make it quality time b/c I'm not given quantity.
My L said that we need to not push this further b/c I was given 50/50 legal custody over D, which usually isn't the case when an evaluator rules as he has done in my case. So, I am at least able to have an equal say in the major decisions about my D.
My L and also I talked today about the financial end of things and it looks like I'll be on the hook for some child support payments - even though it isn't too much at $575 a month - and he's trying to avoid paying W's attorney fees for her b/c in this state the one who is "the offender" - in this case, it is me w/ that label - has to pay the court fees of the "non-offender."
We still have to see what credits I'm owed from W and what she'll claim to be owed by me. We have to still divide up the pensions, but I'm going to still come out of this w/ a massive personal debt, even w/ the hopeful sale of the house.
I'm not sure what W will ask for, but I'm going to be very, very financially strapped for quite a while while I'm paying off the several thousands I'll still owe after getting 1/2 of the house profits. We're also going to ask to hold off signing the official decree until Dec. 31 so we can file taxes as "married, filing seperately" to avoid some very, very big tax hits.
So, that is where I'm at. I'll be getting my beautiful little D in a few minutes, but I'll have to spend some time talking w/ my L over the weekend as we continue to prepare our stuff for the courts.
Hey Rob, Gosh, I am so sorry taht you only got the miminum, thats so terrible and it makes me really angry how Dads get one weekend in two. Its not fair, its not right and its bad for the kids. Did you look up the charity Fathers 4 Justice? I think thy have a US arm (or an equivalent?) this is JUST the kind of thing they fight and help you fight, I dont know, just suggesting, maybe they could have some advice for you for ways you could get that increased, I dont know. Really thinking of you, thats huge and I'm not surprised that you were upset. As for your W, she is bitter and angry and all it will do is give her wrinkles...
Ali xxx
Me:40! H:37 Together: 12yrs IDLY & left 11/07 ADs 03/08 OW 8/08 Reconciled 05/09 now married! my thread
One thing my W's L did that I liked in their offer for the division of assets is to have her get a bigger portion of the marital retirement than I with no calculation for future unpaid taxes. I dont have to come up with as much money to pay off for her then smaller non-retirement portion of the assets. I feel sacrificing more of my marital retirement is ok as they are not treating my pre-marital portion of my retirement as part of the division of assets and I am still sitting ok.
This is just the first round. Your STBX is a mess, and she will provide you with an opportunity in the future for more time with Grace--either because she gets overwhelmed or because she screws up big. Just bide your time and be the best daddy you can.
