It's days like yesterday that make it easier to get through the distant times, but even with all I see and what you guys say...it's hard. I know I have it pretty easy compared to most....just hate the thought of getting comfortable with the thought that she is moving forward, and then getting bombed again.
Forrest, This is what you mean by fighting myself more than the other person, isn't it???
Why do I have so much trouble getting comfortable with the fact that she may actually be moving towards me?
Texts today to say hi. One silly one...to tell me that she just saw a girl who was flirting with me at a bar a couple of weeks ago....no idea who she was talking about until she basically reminded me of the entire interaction...strange.
Than another to remind to have her tell me about the dreams she had last night.
nds. You are rebuilding. Take that and make it your new perspective. Cause I have to say, I agree with the others that have expressed this same viewpoint.
I laugh...if only we could see in our own sitch what everyone else sees. It would make it so much easier.
MySitch Me-47 STBXW-41 D-5 S-8 ILYBNILWY-01/08 Want a D- 01/09 Physical Sep-01/10 D filed-06/10 Got 50% custody=09/11 Ride that wave!
It's days like yesterday that make it easier to get through the distant times, but even with all I see and what you guys say...it's hard. I know I have it pretty easy compared to most....just hate the thought of getting comfortable with the thought that she is moving forward, and then getting bombed again.
Forrest, This is what you mean by fighting myself more than the other person, isn't it???
Why do I have so much trouble getting comfortable with the fact that she may actually be moving towards me?
Texts today to say hi. One silly one...to tell me that she just saw a girl who was flirting with me at a bar a couple of weeks ago....no idea who she was talking about until she basically reminded me of the entire interaction...strange.
Than another to remind to have her tell me about the dreams she had last night.
If you keep doing what you're doing you won't get bombed again. Look how much interacting she's doing with you without any alcohol or 'special' occassion going on. Take off your goggles. lol
MySitch Me-47 STBXW-41 D-5 S-8 ILYBNILWY-01/08 Want a D- 01/09 Physical Sep-01/10 D filed-06/10 Got 50% custody=09/11 Ride that wave!
nds. You are rebuilding. Take that and make it your new perspective. Cause I have to say, I agree with the others that have expressed this same viewpoint.
I laugh...if only we could see in our own sitch what everyone else sees. It would make it so much easier.
Too close sometimes I guess....like when I used to notice that my wife's hair was different and mentioned how much I liked it...and she says "thanks, it's been like that for a week"....LOL.
Sometimes it is just the pessimist in me that comes out...the glass is half empty guy, like Bill said. That is something I have struggled with all my life. Believe it or not my sitch has actually helped me. In the beginning all I could see was a positive outcome, no matter which way things went. I know that helped me in other areas of my life even though the R with my wife weighed on me.
Now I think it's more a matter of patience then anything else. In my heart I feel her and see the interactions...and know that she would hurt just as much as me if we were apart. It is just not knowing how committed she is to still being alone that gets me from time to time.
I know where the next steps need to be....house..home..finances and normalcy in our daily lives. We talk all the time about our health, eating and drinking habits...exercise. I know where she wants to be in all of that, and I think if I were to make the move in the right direction, she would follow along just as easily as with the all the partying and fun stuff.
That is where I was supposed to be taking this months ago, but we just have been too wrapped up in having fun....have to make the other things fun, that's all.
Sometimes.. when you face your fears.. they are not really all that scary."
You know, I am not so sure that I would call it fear anymore. I suppose in the long run I am afraid of losing her.
I am afraid that she will always remember the bad times and that I will not have a chance to make up for what I have done...treat her right and give her the life she deserves....afraid that deep down she really just does not like me.....that when she looks into my eyes she sees bad, not good.
Those are fears I have, (or are they just regrets?)....and the fear that the day never comes and we start planning our future together again....that this dance just goes on and on for another 6 months.
The fears of her telling me the time has come, her leaving or asking me to leave? Not so much these days.
I don't fear being alone in my life...not if she does not want to be with me. I do not fear seeing her with someone else....not if she does not want to be with me.
What I think I feel more than anything when I hear the reminders and the innuendos is just frustration..impatience. The daily and weekly ups and downs, the great times we have together, and have had since the bomb was dropped....all just so confusing.
I have not done all the things I promised myself I would do over the last few months, but I know one thing..I was sincere in my efforts. She may not know my changes are real, but I do. She may not think they will last but I do.
There may be more I can do..for her and myself...and by no means am I ready to quit, but in six months I have treated her with love and respect and we have had some great times together.
If she told me tonight she was done, I would bow out gracefully and thank her sincerely for the last 6 months, but I think the DBing would be over....I would be sad and I would be hurt, but I would not be afraid.
to be afraid of : expect with alarm <fear the worst>
Afraid =
filled with fear or apprehension
filled with concern or regret over an unwanted situation.
having a dislike for something
OK.. we have defined the words.
"You know, I am not so sure that I would call it fear anymore. I suppose in the long run I am afraid of losing her."
If we apply the "words" the way they were intended.. your statement looks like this.
"You know, I am not so sure that I would call it to be afraid of : expect with alarm anymore. I suppose in the long run I am filled with concern or regret over an unwanted situation of losing her."
All I want to point out is.. count the I's
I got 4. That relates to you personally.
It implies.. to feel fear in (oneself)
Either way.. you are still scared of losing her. No matter how close she is.
Next...
"I am filled with fear or apprehension that she will always remember the bad times and that I will not have a chance to make up for what I have done...treat her right and give her the life she deserves....filled with concern or regret over an unwanted situation that deep down she really just does not like me.....that when she looks into my eyes she sees bad, not good."
So.. what you are saying is.. you need to stop the bad times.. and make up for what you have done. Treat her right and give her the life she deserves.
At the same time you need to understand that deep down she really just does like me.....that when she looks into my eyes she sees good.
I can get on board with that. I expect you to do just that.
Next...
"Those are to be afraid of : expect with alarm I have, ....and the having a dislike for something that the day never comes and we start planning our future together again....that this dance just goes on and on for another 6 months."
As long as you are dancing like this.. are you happy? Do you fear the "What If"?
Next....
"I have not done all the things I promised myself I would do over the last few months."
What have you not done?
"But I know one thing..I was sincere in my efforts. She may not know my changes are real, but I do. She may not think they will last but I do."
Prove it. Right here right now.. Prove it.
"If she told me tonight she was done, I would bow out gracefully and thank her sincerely for the last 6 months, but I think the DBing would be over....I would be sad and I would be hurt, but I would not be filled with fear or apprehension."
Right there.. is your movement. Where did you come from.. to what you are now. Silly thing about it.. people that can't see you... can "see" it.
Open your eyes.. and stop being afraid.
From what you just wrote.. you have nothing to loose.
Danielson.. where have you been?
Lucky Cricket!
Relax Eat Think Act normal React.. Smartly. Do something different. Emulate. Do Work.
Gosh NDS, I got a little dizzy reading that last post.
Can I try to sum up what I THINK you are saying? Then you can set me straight if I'm off the mark.
1. I'm not concerned that I will not survive if our relationship ends.
2. It does make me sad to think of our relationship ending.
3. I'm still thinking that it might be possible that I did too much damage for her to be willing to continue the marriage.
4. I HAVE changed, but I'm still not sure that she believes it will last. I wonder how long it will take her to believe, and if she will choose to end the relationship before she ever DOES start believing.
5. If she does choose to end the marriage, it will hurt and I will be terribly saddened, but I also will survive. I will be grateful that I can live the rest of my life knowing that I finally got it right.
Close to right?
That's how I'm reading/interpreting your words at least.
I wanted to ask:
a) If you KNEW beyond any doubt that it would take 9 more months of your current life together to get her to believe and finally announce that she has changed her mind, are you saying that would be too long? Or are you just expressing your frustration that you've been doing so well for the past 6 months and she's not offering the WORDS that let you off the hook?
b) If you truly KNOW that you will survive and still manage to live a good life EVEN IF she chooses to end the marriage, why all the drama about where things stand now?
And finally, a comment from a DB standpoint.
I find it ironic that you are waiting for WORDS. One of the first mantras that we share with newcomers to this site is to put little stock in words (ours OR theirs) and focus instead more on actions (ours AND theirs).
Your wife is SHOWING you, in so many different ways, that she loves you and is moved by your changes.
In the past couple of weeks you have shared numerous incidents where there is such a clear softening in her towards you. She really is showing you that she is beginning to believe in the new NDS.
You're waiting for the words.
And they are likely to be the last part to come.
Just for reference...
When you fall in love and begin to have that desire to join your life with another person, the very LAST thing that you do is say your vows to each other.
The very LAST thing.
The glass is more than half full...
Blessings,
Bill
"Don't tell me the sky is the limit when there are footprints on the moon."
Been keeping up with your sitch. Very common to mine. Wife told me 04/08 she wanted to separate. She is still here, we still make love, she's treating me great, says were best friends, but I'm not doing as well as you. She's now giving me a deadline of the end of the year that she wants to leave. Not good.
Anyway, I was curious did your wife ever tell you ILYBINILWY? Did she ever claim not be attracted or interested in you anymore? As far as I can tell, it seems her only issue has been how you were in the past and maybe her belief that these changes are not real, is that right?
Either way.. you are still scared of losing her. No matter how close she is." Yes..in fear of, afraid of...in dislike of the idea of not having HER in my life...not of being alone, or starting over, or the logistics of the whole thing. I want her in my life.....and no matter how close she is, it is still the frustration of the unknown that gets to me the most....impatience again.
"So.. what you are saying is.. you need to stop the bad times.. and make up for what you have done. Treat her right and give her the life she deserves." I have stopped the bad times and treat her right each day. Does that make up for what I have done in her mind? I still have not given her the life she deserves, but would like to...more frustration...more unknown. I can give her glimpses and hints, but WE cannot plan a future together...unless she tells me SHE is planning a future TOGETHER. Most times the comments and innuendos tell me just the opposite of what you guys say her actions are telling me.
"At the same time you need to understand that deep down she really just does like me.....that when she looks into my eyes she sees good.
I can get on board with that. I expect you to do just that." She would not have put up with me for 20 years, or the last 6 months, if she did not see some good right? Is it enough? Will she ever forget, or forgive me for the bad.
As long as you are dancing like this.. are you happy? Do you fear the "What If"? I am happy while we are dancing..it is the silence between the songs that gets to me. That is when I fear the "what if".
"I have not done all the things I promised myself I would do over the last few months." What have you not done? Very long list. How much time do you have?
"But I know one thing..I was sincere in my efforts. She may not know my changes are real, but I do. She may not think they will last but I do." Prove it. Right here right now.. Prove it. So, I guess I can't, right? I have to show her each day I am with her by my actions and words?
Right there.. is your movement. Where did you come from.. to what you are now. Silly thing about it.. people that can't see you... can "see" it. Open your eyes.. and stop being afraid. From what you just wrote.. you have nothing to loose.
Who are these people? Are you guys talking about me behind my back? Thanks for the encouragement. I talk the talk sometimes, but I still have a long way to go before I am "comfortable" with the fact that I have nothing to lose. No matter what, I will be OK, but I do not want to lose her.
Man...I am truly blessed to still have you and Bill hanging with me, and I try to respond as much as I can, but that made brain hurt today....and still have to go back and read Bill's post again.
