Welcome back twinhope. MLC isnt as much about their age as it is their state of mind. Our H never "sewed their wild oats", right? We were their first "real girlfriends", right? Theyve always been insecure in nature, right? They've "had it" with the material things (AKA the house), right? My H HATES his job too, and like your H , is seeking out other ways to fulfill a meaningful purpose - your H wants to change careers/go back to school - and mine has completely immersed himself in baseball (not only does he coach more than 1 team, he is also executive officer and treasurer for the league) and accepted responsibity for helping plan 20yr reuinon. Yes, they could be depressed, which led them to this sorry state. The problem is their ego wont let them admit it or seek the help they need. My H knows he needs help for his drinking, says he can help himself cuz he is of "strong mind". It's more like "strong pride". I consider myself in last resort, but even since H has left wondered of I have been overdoing it a little. Ive rejected some of his nicer gestures, so Im trying to acknowlegdge and accept any that I happen to notice.For example, when H stayed at house last Friday, he replaced all bulbs in garage (which are pain to reach for me.) I acknowleged it and thanked him. Make them feel purpose and appreciation (but of course dont look pathetic and needy!) Also, your H is 30? The big 3-0 is a difficult transition for some. The 20's are supposed to be fun loving and sometimes wild and carefree. 30 marks a new chapter, and he's probably feeling he missed out - which could explain the 21 y/o OW- he's maybe trying to experience thru her. MLC? Im not a T, but I would say DEFINITELY YES!
hope3343, are you familiar with the stages of Death and Dying? It is used to refer to those dealing with their own death or a loved one's death, but is very applicable to our situation. The death of a marriage, the death of a family. The stages are DENIAL, ANGER, BARGAINING, DEPRESSION, ACCEPTANCE. They may not occur in that order and one might not necessarily experience all 5, but your D15 sounds like she is in the denial stage, and it is inevitable, as long as this goes on, and no matter how and when she finds out about H leaving, she WILL enter the anger stage. She's going to need help expressing it appropriately. My D14 is wobbling between denial and anger stages. I told him its OK to express the anger as long as it isnt hurting anyone physically or emotionally. He has the right and the NEED to express it. My D11 is getting better with her anger - patience and supportive family and friends , including teachers have really been alot of help. I wonder if your D28 would be a great support to D15? Oh, and thank you for D28 story . It was interesting to hear OW perspective. Please share more if possible.
Ok, just want to share something real quick. H stayed at house last Friday night with kids. Sat morning when I got home from work, everyone was gone. I went into walk-in closet. Found empty beer can on dresser, so knew H was in there. I have a shoebox filled with memories- wedding pics, rings, cards, etc. In that box I had his personal baby book and his baptismal candle as well. Baby book and candle were gone. Next to the box was a Victoria Secret bag with all our old love letters from 20 years ago. The bag was shifted and crumped in - not how I left it. The top envelope inside the bag contained one of his letters to me, just kind of stuffed in the envelope sloppy-like and pages out of order. I have read those letters several times since he has left and didnt leave any pages out of order in any of them. As a matter of fact, I had purposely organized them. That particular letter he professed his love and assured me he would always be faithful - I was his strength. No one could take my place. Ironic. Had he been reading those letters that night? He was definitely in there. But why ? I gotta stop reading too much into things. Im going to be let down for a hard fall when Im served with those papers. Please God, save my marriage.....
Please lets all keep praying for each other. (((((((hugs))))))))
____________________________ me 36 H 38 S14 S11 D11 T 21yr M 16yr Oct 17 IDLYA 6-18 H moved out 6-19 H confessed EA(now also PA) and asked for D 7-4 H has consulted atty - Im anxiously waiting to be "served"
Hello all, Went for my nightly walk at the beach, it is the only thing keeping my sanity. It was almost dark as I walked barefoot in the tide, I take that time to either cry, reflect or pray. But as I was walking I kept thinking someone was walking behind me, I could actually hear the footsteps walking in the water, but everytime I turned there was noone and I was the only person there. Wonder if it God letting me know he is walking with me. I can't tell you how strange it was. Happened at least 3 times. H came home from work late (probably with OW), and then goes out to buy football cleats and stops at Dillards and buys a polo shirt for only $22. He had to try on the shirt to see if I liked it??? For what -- when he goes out with her. He is spending money like crazy. $22 here, $50 here, etc...his credit card bill is way out of control. He still has told neither D that he is moving out next Wed. He also has packed nothing. He is having trouble sleeping. Guilt is weighing on him. I have been nice these last 3 days. This morning when he came to kiss me goodbye I wanted to just start crying. Yes he gives me a kiss/hug everytime he leaves the house, in the morning and at night. Go figure. And we still call each other Honey. Is it just old habits are hard to quit?
In my inventory of myself, I have realized I crippled him by doing everything for him. He never has looked at bills, he never cleans, cooks etc. I am worried when he goes on his own he will have to depend on OW since he is pretty much helpless. I know his apt. will be a mess unless someone cleans it for him.
T2L, 5 months? wow. These are the anniversaries none of us want. I think your 180 did make a difference to H. Keep it light, friendly etc. It is very frustrating waiting waiting waiting. I think it is also interesting that H never brought up D discussion. I would consider that good, because my H is already talking divorce and he is not out of the house. As far as work -- you will get there. I can tell from your posting you are well read, and articulate. I always worked but did not go to college till I was 40. I just started college when H and I almost broke up then. I told him at least wait till I get my associate. We ended working things out (that is when we should have gone to MC). Well I got my Assoc, BS and MA by the time I was 48. So it is never too late. You go girl. It will enpower you when you earn your own money and cut that dependency on H. Thanks so much for your e-mail. You KNOW I will be contacting you. I will pick my D28 brain for more info that might help us. Right now she is totally mad at H. I feel sorry when he calls her. She will expose him and not take any of his lies.
twinhope - welcome back. I am sure it was a sad time at funeral. I will also have to deal going back to CT at Xmas without H. I cannot imagine. 21 years and he will not be there. The wedding sounded interesting. Trying to act like things were ok. Glad your friend exposed him. He needed that. Yes men do go through MLC at 30. It happens when responsibilities, bills, careers start to get them down. Very very common. Interesting he changes jobs so frequently. Sounds like he is not happy in any facet of his life. Still think 21 year old will not put up with too much for too long. also I went on face book and found the OW was listed with no picture. It would not load her profile, so I think it was my computer. I need to try it somewhere else to see if it will download.
JGrind, you are sooo right about how they had it with material things like house, etc. We bought our house and it was much larger than I wanted it -- but H thought it would be great, now he is going into small apt. Really annoyed about that because if we bought what I wanted I could buy him out and afford on my own. Interesting all these H's are having alcohol problems etc. Your H wants to give up drinking but with all the sports stuff he is involved in -- it is like an alcoholic working in a bar. I dread dealing with D15, she is more like H and I don't know if she will cut him off at the knees -- like he is doing to me. Already she shut her phone off the night he told her he would call and she did not want to talk to him if he was drinking. Your right she is in denial. The anger will not be pretty and with no family support here it will be on me. Her sister and her are close so I know they will support each other. I do not plan on telling my family till end of Nov. Not up to it yet.
And as far as him going into the closet..that was incredible. He might be coming out of the MLC fog. He is started to look back at memories and history. When a MLC H is in full grip they do not want to see happy pictures or talk of the past because it is all bad. He is seeking this out now. I agree that you need to be more thoughtful with H. I know it is difficult because we are so much in pain, but they need to know we are changing. I have been treating my H as if I thought he had cancer but didn't want me to know. I cooked him a meal he loved last night, listened to him as he talked and stopped reading the paper and just trying to be kind. I keep telling myself he is a sick man, and it does help. Otherwise my full 100% Italian side comes out and I want to whack him. lol
Well let me go -- H just stopped at my desk. Do you know how hard it is just having him show up. I need time to get my game face on. Peace to all of you.
Me 53 H 50 D16, D29 M 22 years bomb 7/08 INH - alien pod replaces H 8/08 - OW (direct report), I work there also bomb II - H moves 10/1 expose ow 10/22 D to be final 9-09
JGrind, Thanks for that! It really does make sense. It is funny when I was at my parents house I was reading all the love letters that my H wrote me. It made me so sad b/c he was saying the same types of things that your H was. They really are trying to relive their youth! I really want to wait this out, I don't believe that their relationship is going to amount to anything but the longer it goes the harder it will be for him to break it off. I really want my marriage and a shot to make it right. I really hope and pray that he wakes up! Also just b/c he has consulted an atty does not mean that he is filing. And it is not over. I guess we need to continue to be patient and I will continue to pray for all of us.
Hope, I really hope everything works out with your daughter. You are a great mom and I am sure she will definately need your support. I know it will be hard with your own emotions but that is why we are the moms and not our H's who can only think of themselves.
Me-30 H-30 M-6yrs T-14yrs Twin D's-2 Bomb-1/01/08 Left Home 2/01/08 (rented a room) Back Home 4/02/08 Left Home 5/08/08 (moved into own apt.) OW-21 5/29/08
MLC isnt as much about their age as it is their state of mind. Our H never "sewed their wild oats", right? We were their first "real girlfriends", right? Theyve always been insecure in nature, right? They've "had it" with the material things (AKA the house), right? My H HATES his job too, and like your H , is seeking out other ways to fulfill a meaningful purpose - your H wants to change careers/go back to school - and mine has completely immersed himself in baseball (not only does he coach more than 1 team, he is also executive officer and treasurer for the league) and accepted responsibity for helping plan 20yr reuinon. Yes, they could be depressed, which led them to this sorry state. The problem is their ego wont let them admit it or seek the help they need. My H knows he needs help for his drinking, says he can help himself cuz he is of "strong mind". It's more like "strong pride".
I think maybe mine is little MLC too. Yes I am his 1st real girlfriend(high school sweetie). Yes he is insecure in nature, but outwardly you would never know. Yes Mine has always wanted more more more. He sabotages his jobs every few years. He's had a lot of them, but blames it on management. I totally believe in hindsight of course that he has been depressed for a long time but he blew it off as I don't get super excited about things this is how I am(I just believed it) but he was never in a state of what I would say is happiness. Yes mine was ultra prideful about getting any type of help. I mentioned to him b4 I found out about the A that we could get counseling and he objected saying counselors are messed up themselves and he doesn't need it. I have questioned him many times about his increased drinking over the last few years and he says he's fine. So funny how we all have the same tendencies. Mine isn't into baseball but now his whole life revolves around getting a tan!?!? I try not to think of why....But can't help it.
To tell you the truth guys I'm starting to question myself and why I want to have him back. I really need to know why, even if it is or is not possible. It's like he's got me on this back burner and he wants to do his thing and then come back when its over. He even told my D17 in the beginning of the mess in May that he just needs to ride this out? Did he mean to say see if this works out? My short term goal is 6 months. That's October 23rd. I have to look at the short b4 I can look at the long term goal which is 1 year. I know this is going to be a long haul thing. I feel bad for even thinking of giving up this waiting game but for now I'm questioning all my motives of why I want this man back. Is it fear? Is it familiarity? Is it safety? Is it loneliness? Insecurity? Or am i just being impatient. Questions Questions Questions.
Aside of it all everyone sounds strong for under the circumstances. The support is great here.
Me-38 H-38 Married 18years Daughter-17 & Son-9 Discovery of EA/PA 4/23/08 Left home 5/08/08 Moved in with OW 08/01/08
The only rock I know that stays steady, the only institution I know that works is the family. -- Lee Iacocca
Hey gals, here some info to pass on. I posted a thread too.
This Friday September 26, 2008 the Film "Fireproof" is releasing. This is a Christian film and its about saving a marriage-our new battlefront. Please Forward this and go see the film. Go and bring a friend and support this film that shows the importance of marriage.
FIREPROOF is the third feature film from Sherwood Pictures the creators of FACING THE GIANTS and FLYWHEEL. An action-packed love story, FIREPROOF will have audiences laughing, crying, and inching toward the edge of their seats as they are drawn into the world of a firefighter, his wife ... and a marriage worth rescuing.
Hi T2L, first how did you box part of the Jgrind's post? I see other people doing that. T2L your right about questioning yourself about your H. I was sitting in a meeting with H today and I was looking over at him and saying right now I don't even like him. He is a cheater, liar, unethical having an A with his direct report, and will break his daughter's hearts. I could see his secret phone in his pant's pocket. Then I look at myself and think sometimes I am a loser wanting to stay with him. But I think you have your goals of 6 months and at that point reflect on what you would like to do. Then I look at some of the other posts of reconciled marriages and they went through hell but have been restored and I ache for that. T2L, this experience for you is building character, builing your strength and eventually will rebuild your self esteem. Reading our posts most of us were also unhappy with our current marriages. We just stayed. We do have choices but it is too early to see where they lead. T2L, when I originally read your first posts I had to respond even though my H had not moved in with his OW because your thread was not a bashing site like some others. (Not that we don't vent and have bad days.) I liked your outlook and how you were with your children. You are a survivor. Either way if we have to move on if our Hs don't come back we need to continue to work on ourselves and get healthy mentally, spiritually, and physically. We owe that to ourselves and children. These H's are so much alike. My H also lives for getting a tan! I lol when I read that.
Looked up that movie...I think that would be an excellent selection for a father/daughter night at the movies? I will see if it plays out here. thanks so much.
Me 53 H 50 D16, D29 M 22 years bomb 7/08 INH - alien pod replaces H 8/08 - OW (direct report), I work there also bomb II - H moves 10/1 expose ow 10/22 D to be final 9-09
Hi everyone! I'm back!!!!! WOW...what a great mini vacation! I went to Chicago on 9/18 until 9/22....it was fantastic! I stayed with a cousin of mine who is single and went out with her and one of her friends. It was so relaxing but fun at the same time to just be myself and feel free.
It took me some time to read where I left off!! Alot has happened these past few days!!
I'm at work so I will catch up tomorrow!!
Me35/H35 D16/SS14 M-1yr/known H 18yrs 1st Bomb: 4/26 OW35 2nd Bomb: 8/17 OW21 Moved out 8/21/08 H filed D on 9/9/08
God determines who walks into your life...it's up to you to decide who you let walk away, who you let stay, and who you refuse to let go.
Hey guys, a friend sent this to me today. It really helped me as my brain is having a field day. Maybe it will help some of you. It helped me. Gonna try to figure out what I need to do to get to that place...enjoy......She says:
When a situation like this drags on for 5 months, 6 months, etc, and I start seeing the Betrayed Wife post about how she always used to say "yes,yes,yes" and "I'm sorry" in order to keep the peace, I start to get the impression that perhaps the Lord wants you to grow more before things will change. Perhaps you are still spending to much time worrying about him, and what he is thinking, and how can you get him back, and what is going to happen, etc. Instead, right now, you should be worried about you. Plain and simple. you. what you are thinking,what you are doing, what you want out of life. Because as you start to grow, and become stronger, it will be easier to answer your own questions,and easier to tolerate him, and in fact you will become more attractive to him as well.
I remember at one point I made a list for myself, of things to accomplish for myself. There were some small things on there: clean out kitchen cupboards, wash curtains. But there were a few big thigns as well. And I just set out to take care of my list, and quit worrying about him. and in the meantime, I became stronger, wiser, better able to re-build my M, or go through a D, however it ended up.
Perhaps that is why you are in limbo right now? The Lord is waiting for you to gain your strength first before you go forward?
Me-38 H-38 Married 18years Daughter-17 & Son-9 Discovery of EA/PA 4/23/08 Left home 5/08/08 Moved in with OW 08/01/08
The only rock I know that stays steady, the only institution I know that works is the family. -- Lee Iacocca
Hi T2L, that was a great post. How true, we are so worried about their needs we are forgetting our own. How can we make these marriages work unless we change significantly also. When I reconcile (positive imagery) I do not want to go back to the same old marriage. I want changes that will make us both happy. Someone told me that instead of serving God first, that I was treating my H as God, serving him totally. Need to step back work on myself and let God work on him and trust in him. Trying. Weird thing, have been dbing the last 4 days and even though H is seeing OW, he has been home a bit more and has not mentioned the move, D, or when to tell Ds. Last time he talked about all this was Sunday morning. I know it is in his head and I know he he is supposed to move on Wed, but normally I would be pushing him or trying to control the situation asking when will you do this, are you packing -- instead I have been saying nothing, keeping out of his way and it is calm (before the storm) but for today I am grateful Also on another note - a HR Manager position just came up on job post. I want to apply for it and then my first assignment can be to fire the OW...(wouldn't that be something)
Me 53 H 50 D16, D29 M 22 years bomb 7/08 INH - alien pod replaces H 8/08 - OW (direct report), I work there also bomb II - H moves 10/1 expose ow 10/22 D to be final 9-09
Great post ... so true.. since my wounds are raw I am definitely spending all my time thinking about H, what is he doing, the OW and not enough about me and my girls.. Sounds like I need to set small goals as well...
I'm going to make a list for the weekend and just enjoy it as much as I can..
thanks for passing along the inspiring words.... thanks for all the help you have already given me ... all of you actually.
I updated my posted tonight so hopeful insight would be great.
You all sound so strong and wise and I hope to be there soon.. mine is just so raw and new I'm mixed with emotion everyday... When will the bleeding stop??? :-)
Hang in there
Me: 38/H:40 M:7yrs TG: 10yrs 2Girls: 4yr & 7 month old Bomb 8/22/08 OW/EA/PA 8/23/08 with 25yr old Moved out 9/22/08
