Working on believing in miracles

[istherehope]

OK he just called me...

I know I wasn't meant to take the call, so I didn't take the first one...

However he SEES I'm on IM, so I took the 2nd call...


Yuck. I managed to remain as positive as possible, and said that I was really sorry he'd felt pressured earlier. He said that he had all of these examples of me not changing and not listening to what he wanted, from today's call alone. WHATEVER.

Then he said that he is sick of hearing we don't have money for what he needs for his happiness, i.e. him being alone, but we do for my "shopping trip/business trip". I told him that I was sorry if it came across this way, but that I had lost 15 pounds and literally had nothing to wear that fit me anymore, and that I thought it would be better to go on a trip when we had some money AND when was convenient for my own company.

I said that I was sorry he felt that way, and that he felt so badly. Then he said that he just didn't know about the whole us thing, and I said that I was fine with just seeing where things went, and that regardless I would need a year to move on, with or without us being together. He said that he thinks I am putting too much stock in us, and I said that I wasn't planning on waiting around forever, but if he were in my shoes, wouldn't he want to give it everything that he had before throwing in the towel. He went on and on about how if he were in the house it couldn't just be unannounced drop-in visits, and I said I understood (I didn't do this before I left either!). Wow he is pretty bleak and mean right now. He said he wasn't sure how angry he was, can't figure it out (um, I can figure that out!), but that he does admire me as a person (whatever). I tried to keep everything light, asking about the pets, about the house etc., but he was in this lame talk about us mode.

I honestly don't get it. He kept saying how he's told me for years how I was controlling. I told him for years he has a bad temper!

So, we'll see when I get back. I don't think this is something I'm going to be able to handle for very long to be honest. He is being a real a$$, and for someone who supposedly wanted to try to work things out, I am seeing nothing.

I cannot believe he calls my business trip a shopping trip, like the only reason I am traveling is to go to Banana Republic.

I also tried to talk about Poland a bit, to be light and tell him what it was like, what my neighborhood was like etc., but of course he didn't care and wanted to end the call. Nice.
I am feeling pretty bleak and on the brink of quitting, but I will give it the next 3 months I guess...

ITH