Another one for me

[sandycay]

Hi Jen,

It's been awhile since I posted you. Busy getting on in my "new" marriage. But I think things look postive here except for:


Here's a 2x2 not a 2x4:

I see you keep putting these time restraints like in 2 weeks I want to see this or that.....It's not enough time...you have to make these changes for a while before he sees them as genuine and not "just to get him back". You are putting expectations (I know not on purpose) on the time line of things and what I see of your past is that when it doesn't go the way you envision it, you erupt.....so how about making all these changes for YOUR lifetime and then he'll either follow suit OR he won't. It will be good changes for you to make either way. Putting him in a time constraint is "controlling" and that's what he doesn't want. He's told you that. I just see you are so close to what you want and I don't want you to sabotage yourself. I speak from experience my friend. You've been there and done that, so keep this good stuff up for a few months and see where that gets you. No outbursts for months! No controlling for months.

PS. You did good on the car issue....that's what I'm talking about, you noticed the little ways you used to control him and now you are stopping it. But, you must do this on EVERY occasion for months to prove yourself to him. This is not a week project to overcome. YOU CAN DO IT!!

Take care and I know it's hard. I am a recovering control freak myself and what I found out from my H was that I should listen to him when he talks. He has feelings and opinions and I discounted them for years. I heard him all those years but really didn't listen. I figured he's so easy going and my way is the best, because I like a plan and he just goes with the flow. So I learned to step back quite a bit and go with the flow. You know what, sometimes what we were going to do takes twice as long and then still doesn't get accomplished but he got to do it, plan it his way. I bite my lip and smile and seriously have fun with it because it A: might teach him to become more organized B.we end up having quite an adventure anyway and I am much more relaxed. Seriously though, I have to consciously think about it often. After 8 months of doing this the old me still pops up and I have to reel the Biatch back in. I am happier this way and so is he. It was very stressful to be in control of everything and I put myself there....No wonder I was a biatch.....so I resigned from that position.

Take Care! Keep the faith!