That is the kicker, John. Wish I had a crystal ball. Because if H is just thinking about her, I can't blame him for that. If I had a relationship with someone for over a year, I am sure I would think of them sometimes. And if it was 90% "fun time" with the "other person", it may be natural in times of stress to look back on that time and imagine that it was "better" than the current reality of life...
Hope I didn't ramble. I am just saying, it is not a major issue for me if he thinks of her or misses her sometimes, that is part of the hand I was dealt and I chose to stay in the game.
If she is texting/calling, and he does NOT respond, as he was not responding back in July, I have to be okay with that too, although I wish he would be up-front and say, "I am in the dumps (whatever) b/c OW has been trying to get ahold of me, but I haven't responded", or something like that.
On the other hand, if he is trying to keep in contact with her but also save our marriage, I would stop trying immediately. I don't have the patience to go through all of that again, even for my kids. I know in the beginning he thought he could still try to have a "friendly" relationship with her....I know this b/c he told me that the Counselor he was seeing told him he had to cut "all contact" with her. Which means he must have been still having some kind of contact at that point...
However H has been so busy with work and travel for work, farm stuff, our marriage retreat weekend sessions, etc he hasn't been to the counselor in 6 weeks or so. I hope this isn't giving him "wiggle room" to think he can contact her again. Like how after someone gives up drinking for a few months, he/she may think they can try to have a "little bit" on occasion...
OK think I may be rambling again. Sorry.
Bottom line, if he is just thinking of her or feeling bad b/c she is contacting again, I can live with that. If he is engaging in communication with her via e-mail, phone calls, or texting, I cannot live with that. Only thing is I have no way of knowing.
Bottom line, if he is just thinking of her or feeling bad b/c she is contacting again, I can live with that. If he is engaging in communication with her via e-mail, phone calls, or texting, I cannot live with that. Only thing is I have no way of knowing.
BobbiJo - I remember before my bomb discovering a printout of some John Lennon song about not loving someone anymore that my W printed out. I paid it no attention at the time, but in retrospect it was maybe my first sign.
All you must do is as you say - go about life as usual and just think it is part of his process with dealing with the loss of OW. If he is going to reengage with her, you would eventually find out as cheaters always mess up. But dont worry about that until you do find out. Give him the benefit of the doubt for now that it is going to take him time.
Hey girl I don't think you are rambling or being immature at all, this is real life stuff and it hurts!! My 2 cents for what it's worth, I am sure with any relationship there is a mourning period sometimes it hits right away, or it could take days, weeks, months before it hits. Something can trigger it or it may just hit out of frustration. Maybe he is finally dealing with the fact it's over and he has made his choice to work on his M and is just working through it.
IMHO you taking the bubbly light approach is probably best, keep reminding him he mad the right choice...
Thanks, I have missed you Brian. For some reason I am having trouble finding you lately, and I keep forgetting Mike from Tennessee jumped to a different section. I need to catch up with you guys...
I decided going with the bubbly approach is best. My nature, my "real me" has always been a bubbly person. Well, at least, looking back, I was always happiest with myself when I was a sarcastic/witty, outgoing, "fun", smart girl. In college I would go up and talk to any body at the bar or at a party, I was a pretty good flirt, etc. After some bumps and bruises in my marriage I retreated a little, then I have been back/forth in my personality with the various "dramas" H and I have had.
So tonight, instead of brooding over whether or not H would call from Canada, the kids and I called him from the car on my way home from night class. I held out the phone and the kids yelled from the backseat, "Good night Dad, love you!", so then I mimicked them and yelled "Good night Dan, love you!". That was the extent of the message we left...
H just called 10 min ago at home. Kids are in bed already. He sounded upbeat but in a weird way, said he wanted to punch the people in the face that he went to dinner with in Montreal tonight! But said it in a voice that sounded like he was smiling. Then he said lucky him he gets to go down and meet them at the hotel bar for drinks now...So I was light and flirty and he was in a similar mood.
As my old buddy and big brother Woog would say, I am going to be happy freakin' cheerleader from this point on.....
Which is appropriate b/c Friday is HOMECOMING! Such a big deal in my town....get out of school at 11 on Friday, have a parade with 40 floats and 6-8 marching bands, etc. Then a real old-style coronation of the Homecoming King and Queen on Saturday night, complete with scroll bearers and gift bearers from Kindergarten, and middle school pages and high school attendants. All in all it is about 25 people up on the stage when they crown the king and queen, who are in formal gowns and suits....followed by a dance. (The dance is for high school only but the coronation is open to the public). I have my 15-yr reunion dinner on Friday. Woo-hoo!
I will ask him what he thinks of the town....from what I understand it is much more "cosmopolitan" than Calgary and more than Toronto as well? For some reason H has been to a different city every time, Calgary, Toronto, Montreal....too bad I couldn't have come along and met up with you, John...
Yes it is different than most cities in North America. Some people like the change and others are a little taken aback by it. I am not moving anytime soon so maybe next trip over here he will take you and we can all go to dinner. That would have been funny....the week that Woog and K meet in NYC, BBJ and J210 meet in Montreal (not for the same reasons of course but nonetheless).
I'm sorry ANY of us have to go through any of this...
Anyhow. The primary attraction of an A is much more about the way the OP makes the WS feel about *themselves*, than the way they actually feel about the OP.
The OP laps up the scraps and leftovers from the WS *real* life like a starving dog-- after all, look what the WS is willing to risk to give them those scraps!
In reality, your H is extremely stressed by the pull on his time from the job, his parents/family, and your family together. If he is often feeling that he isn't giving you enough, he may be getting the mindset that he won't ever be able to "make you happy". He knows he's the "bad guy". But if you see him that way and he sees himself that way, he isn't feeling good about himself with you. The feelings of failure get associated with you and your M and the circle can go round and round.
Your approach is perfect. The message you gave him was perfect. I often find that my H becomes the person that *I* see. That can work both ways....
You are so right. I actually sent H a rather flirty/forward e-mail early this morning. It was not heavy at all, it was (ok I know that I am officially a dork!) a mock-power point presentation.
I thought it appropriate since H is up in Canada giving presentations today.
I used bullet points and little chart/diagram things to list a few things I love about him (ie. you are funny, sexy, smart, etc)
Then on the next slide I put ways I like to love him, with descriptors I can't list here (except the tamest one, "touching you")
The next one had a diagram thingy of where I like to love him, locations, etc.....
You get the idea. Either he will love it and it will spark his imagination for the rest of the day, or he will think I am the ultimate loser for using power point to send a sexy note......
That would have been funny....the week that Woog and K meet in NYC, BBJ and J210 meet in Montreal (not for the same reasons of course but nonetheless).
And my company lately is doing some business with various company's in Montreal. I doubt I will ever go as I am just a grunt programmer, but I have made programming trips to Toronto in the past. If I do make it to Montreal, I want John to demonstrate for me how to consistently make 300+ yard drives on the range.
But said it in a voice that sounded like he was smiling. Then he said lucky him he gets to go down and meet them at the hotel bar for drinks now...So I was light and flirty and he was in a similar mood. 