Almost forgot...guess who called who first this morning? This is so far today...he called (3 minutes), I called (2 minutes), I called (30 seconds), I called ( 1 minute) he called (5 minutes). 3 times for me because I was so eager to get off the phone first that I forgot a couple of things that I needed to tell him lol
Jen *The more anger towards the past you carry in your heart, the less capable you are of loving in the present*
It's been awhile since I posted you. Busy getting on in my "new" marriage. But I think things look postive here except for:
Here's a 2x2 not a 2x4:
I see you keep putting these time restraints like in 2 weeks I want to see this or that.....It's not enough time...you have to make these changes for a while before he sees them as genuine and not "just to get him back". You are putting expectations (I know not on purpose) on the time line of things and what I see of your past is that when it doesn't go the way you envision it, you erupt.....so how about making all these changes for YOUR lifetime and then he'll either follow suit OR he won't. It will be good changes for you to make either way. Putting him in a time constraint is "controlling" and that's what he doesn't want. He's told you that. I just see you are so close to what you want and I don't want you to sabotage yourself. I speak from experience my friend. You've been there and done that, so keep this good stuff up for a few months and see where that gets you. No outbursts for months! No controlling for months.
PS. You did good on the car issue....that's what I'm talking about, you noticed the little ways you used to control him and now you are stopping it. But, you must do this on EVERY occasion for months to prove yourself to him. This is not a week project to overcome. YOU CAN DO IT!!
Take care and I know it's hard. I am a recovering control freak myself and what I found out from my H was that I should listen to him when he talks. He has feelings and opinions and I discounted them for years. I heard him all those years but really didn't listen. I figured he's so easy going and my way is the best, because I like a plan and he just goes with the flow. So I learned to step back quite a bit and go with the flow. You know what, sometimes what we were going to do takes twice as long and then still doesn't get accomplished but he got to do it, plan it his way. I bite my lip and smile and seriously have fun with it because it A: might teach him to become more organized B.we end up having quite an adventure anyway and I am much more relaxed. Seriously though, I have to consciously think about it often. After 8 months of doing this the old me still pops up and I have to reel the Biatch back in. I am happier this way and so is he. It was very stressful to be in control of everything and I put myself there....No wonder I was a biatch.....so I resigned from that position.
Take Care! Keep the faith!
Last edited by sandycay; 09/24/0806:59 PM.
M:47 M:18 D16, S19 1st S 1/08-5/08 Reconciled/May 7, 2008 Left again Nov 9, 2009 I Filed: Nov 17, 2009 Final: April 14, 2010 EX walked away from kids too
OMG! SandyCay your husband is the luckiest guy in the world.
M22,H45,W45 S21/18D12 Retain faith that you will prevail in the end, regardless of the difficulties and at the same time confront the most brutal facts of your current reality, whatever they might be.
That's what he says now too. Hello my name is Sandy and "I used to be bitch" I swear they should have Bitches anonymous clubs. I was never this way to anyone else but him.
The truth when it boiled down to it was that I was a resentful and controlling person.
I could have prevented this affair if I hadn't slowly undermined our relationship..(geesh, that only took 15 years) I know it would have never happened if I hadn't acted the way I did in our marriage. I would have left "me" long before he did. Gosh, that's hard to admit, but the best thing this ever did for me was for me to become accountable for how I treated this sweetheart of a man. He really is one of the good guys and I took advantage of that for to long.
I know he made the ultimate choice but it could have been different and I wish it were but it's not. A lesson learned the hard way. Poor guy now has to deal with it more than I do.
But I love him for that. You know what he said to me when we were talking one night during the early stages of reconcilation was interesting...."Sandycay, I'm not Superman, I have feelings too." I really thought about that long and hard. I thought about what things I said to him over the years and thought "what if he said that to me". "what if he put restraints on me and controlled me the way I controlled him". Hello...cue music....cue lights.....I thought to myself "I wouldn't have stood for that for two minutes" He couldnt' win the fights though because "I'm good at that". He started avoiding and started "minding" because that was easier.....a person can only take so much of that and geez he did it for 16 years.
Anyway, I ramble on but even if he didn't come back, I was for ever changed and deeply, deeply ashamed of my behavior in my marriage. I never want to be that person again....it's a habit but a breakable one. I am glad I get to be the new me around him.
M:47 M:18 D16, S19 1st S 1/08-5/08 Reconciled/May 7, 2008 Left again Nov 9, 2009 I Filed: Nov 17, 2009 Final: April 14, 2010 EX walked away from kids too
