And I KNOW I am going to get blasted on this, but I SO want to reach out to my MIL. I am going to be in the city where she lives within the next month. I just don't think she gets how ridiculous her son is being. Since she and I are friends do you think it is at ALL OK to at least see her and of course not complain about him, but let her know what is actually going on in reality in terms of our finances and everything? I feel like she has a massive pull over what H does, and that she doesn't know how bad off he is at the moment...
BTW H said he wanted to cut off giving his mom money, and he can't even remember how much we were giving her. He doesn't have a CLUE about what is going on! he thought we were giving her like 50% of what we actually are giving her. What do you think if I contacted her only about the checks just to see if she'd received the most recent one since I noticed it wasn't cashed?
ITH
Me:34 H:36 M:5 years T: 8 years Bomb: 07/17/08 I want to be separated for 6 months--I don't know what I want the outcome to be S 07/28/08-11/08/08 Living together ~7 months D Possibly busted?!?!!!
ITH. . .I would leave it alone. It is never a good idea to pull family into this mess. If you have to call about that check that is one thing but bringing up your finances with her is not a good idea. When your h finds out that you talked to her about it he will be even more upset and it will only set you back further. He will undoubtedly view it as going behind his back.
Yes toward the end I got a little bit pushy and this was bad, but I thought at the beginning I was pretty nice. He was just so incredibly mean. I don't even mind the parts about not feeling like he loves me, I only mind the parts about how I am being so selfish. I think ANY wife who will willingly go without things including paying student loans on time to let her husband live alone for 6 months is being pretty loving.
He is being ridiculous. I don't have a conversation scheduled with Jody yet, but I think I will for next week now or even Saturday if I can. I am just not sure what I could possibly do at this point, or what advice she could possibly give me. I can send her that message in advance though, so will probably do so.
The bad thing was the call after the IM. I thought I handled it about as well as I handled the IM, meaning reasonably well with a few backslides about things like wanting to see him, wondering what his ideal scenario would be, asking could he not remember any good times. Thing is he CAN but isn't sure if they are all a fabrication of his memory now! He kept saying that I was pushing him into living with me. I said that clearly it was my preference, and that as a person in the relationship I had preferences too that I feel should be shared, but that I wasn't trying to control him.
I just need some inspiration as to my next move...
ITH
Me:34 H:36 M:5 years T: 8 years Bomb: 07/17/08 I want to be separated for 6 months--I don't know what I want the outcome to be S 07/28/08-11/08/08 Living together ~7 months D Possibly busted?!?!!!
Oh that is such a shame as i really feel like she could help me out even without me being direct. I think then what I will do is tell H I am going to the city where she lives for work, and undoubtedly he will tell her. Then she MIGHT reach out to me.
Otherwise maybe I can email about the check and just ask whether she'd received it or not?
ITH
Me:34 H:36 M:5 years T: 8 years Bomb: 07/17/08 I want to be separated for 6 months--I don't know what I want the outcome to be S 07/28/08-11/08/08 Living together ~7 months D Possibly busted?!?!!!
Well after reading the conversation I think that you should continue with what you already told him, go back to Dublin and stay in the house while he rents a room. As you have said before you will feel sooo much better to be in your own home with your animals and to me it sounds like there would be a lot of potential contact with your h once you are back at the house and this could be a great chance to show him your DB skills on a more regular basis. If he is willing to move out and rent a room then I think you should take advantage of that. He obviously sees the 6 month mark of your separation as something of importance so I would try and hang in there until then at least. And it will probably be much easier than the past months in Poland.
Can your h contact her about the check? It is his mother after all. And if she does have an influence they will probably bring up the finances in their conversation and she might be able to help more by having him think it over when talking to her. does that make sense?
H doesn't even know how much we're giving his mom and he wants to cut her off which is SO unlike him! I really think he needs medication! He has become someone COMPLETELY different than the man I knew.
I will go back to Dublin and stay in our own house. I was toying with doing something different, but this is really H's problem now. It just sucks that he wants to pay my loans late so he can have a deposit for an apartment and that if I disagree I am selfish. I do think there will be lots of contact with H once I get to Dublin, but I am not sure whether he can let go of his anger enough. On the phone he even said that he still wanted to do joint counseling and I said "we don't need to" and he said "dammit I said it was fine." Hmm hardly a ringing endorsement...
I just feel like I need some outside help. This is the most ridiculous situation. I have never seen such anger before. At this point, sharing finances, there is absolutely NO way that I am going to put a trip to Mexico in the budget...This is why I wanted to get his mom on board. She might be the only person he listens to right now, and if she had a clue about how irrational he was being, she might step in a little bit more. However, I am not sure I could trust her not to talk to him...
ITH
Me:34 H:36 M:5 years T: 8 years Bomb: 07/17/08 I want to be separated for 6 months--I don't know what I want the outcome to be S 07/28/08-11/08/08 Living together ~7 months D Possibly busted?!?!!!
All I can say is tread lightly! If you do involve her just be very very careful.
Also...on the finances...is a legal separation a possibility so that you can take care of your finances without him being involved and using it as an opportunity to put you down?
I just hate to do the legal separation as it puts us one step closer to D. To be honest as H is not living in reality, I can always put some of my stock money aside without him knowing. He seriously has no clue. I don't want to be manipulative though...I also want to make sure that he continues to pay on our house, where the rent is quite expensive.
Yeah I will think on the MIL some more...I may just let her know I am going to her city, would she like to have lunch. I don't think there is anything wrong with that, even if H were to find out. As long as I was REALLY careful and had something like a mental script to read from, I think I could be OK. If I were super-careful, it could even win me some points.
I am really treading a fine line right now between wanting to give up and stick in there. I mean to have someone talk to me in the way that H has is not really conducive to wanting to work on the marriage...
ITH
Me:34 H:36 M:5 years T: 8 years Bomb: 07/17/08 I want to be separated for 6 months--I don't know what I want the outcome to be S 07/28/08-11/08/08 Living together ~7 months D Possibly busted?!?!!!
