Oh, but she's a deeply spiritual person with a deep bond with my H based upon what they want in their lives. My bond with H, on the other hand, is only based upon a covenant we professed in front of God and our friends. Apparently that's of less value.
Meeeeeoooowww.
M60 H52 D20 M14 yrs OW-old gf from 1986 bomb-5/18/08 H filed for D-9/10/08 D final 4/24/09 xH remarried (not OW) 2012
There's also the law of threefold return that says good or bad deeds boomerang back to you threefold. (Karma X 3)
Sounds like Wicca woman's rationalizations are pretty self-serving. Much like your husband's. He's thrown out Jesus's teachings on divorce and the entire Scriptural witness on adultery.
I've perused some books that my wife reads and even though they are syncretistic and new-age, they clearly see adultery as a "crooked" path. They tend to be OK with divorce if a marriage relationship hampers your path or destiny. They view, however, adultery as pretty crappy.
So in an ideal new age kind of way, end you end your marriage "honorably" because it is hindering your growth and then you are free to pursue relationships with others with integrity.
Unfortunately, many people don't really want to exit the marriage or realize how unfulfulling it was for them until they get involved in an affair while they are married.
There are seldom "clean" breaks.
It seems that your H and Wicca woman are trying to expedite the divorce so there can be a semblance of your H leaving for other reasons than to be with another woman. They are trying to make it look like a new age divorce when it's just old fashioned adultery at play.
I know there's some hard-core Wicca bashing here. To be honest, there's a poster on DB who is Wiccan and I certainly honor her tenacity to work on her marriage. She's a real gem. Now if my wife could only turn into THAT kind of Wicca, things would be much nicer.
On the other hand, there are countless instances of people on DB who have Christian WAS. The stories are surreal. One guy's wife, who grew up in a conservative denomination, said to him that God put her an the other man together. Yes, it seems God changed his mind about adultery, divorce and destroying your children's lives in HER case. Another guy's wife I know would go to Mass with her OM. Boggles the imagination.
So before I go being a Wicca-basher, I need to look soberly at Jesus's words saying that narrow is the road that leads to eternal life and few be that find it. I need to look to myself and the God who loves me and ask, "Will I persevere? Will I pass the test?"
Apparently H has a lot of respect for her refusal to "have an affair" when they first began "exploring their feelings for each other" and "planning to spend their lives together." God knows that conversation doesn't constitute beginning an affair! I haven't quite figured out where the line is where they begin considering this "an affair" but for me, it began when she became more important than our marriage and our family. And I really believe that it's the enticing carrot of a sexual relationship and all that goes with it, that she has been dangling out there to motivate him to "do the honorable thing" and push forward with divorce.
And I'm quite clear this was an exit affair. Just an excuse to justify everything, and a convenient shoulder to cry on about how awful his life has been (I was unaware of that). More justification--he was trying for 3 years in therapy to leave, couldn't quite do it until--boom, old girlfriend re-enters his life. Of course, three years wasn't quite enough time to let me know he was not getting needs met, feeling loved, or whatever else was going on that made him want to leave. It also wasn't enough time to put a little more effort, understanding, or love into the relationship to try to save it. This is the crux of it:
Quote:
So in an ideal new age kind of way, end you end your marriage "honorably" because it is hindering your growth and then you are free to pursue relationships with others with integrity.
Unfortunately, many people don't really want to exit the marriage or realize how unfulfulling it was for them until they get involved in an affair while they are married.
I didn't mean to be a Wicca-basher. It's this particular Wiccan I have issues with (and not even as much as with my H). Just like those who pluck scripture verses out of the air and out of context to justify their poor behavior, she has used her beliefs to justify her destructive actions.
M60 H52 D20 M14 yrs OW-old gf from 1986 bomb-5/18/08 H filed for D-9/10/08 D final 4/24/09 xH remarried (not OW) 2012
Sounds like he was unhappy for a while, but the stimulus to leave is frequently another romantic interest.
Did you know he was that unhappy? I knew my wife was unstatisfied, but I had no clue how deeply unhappy she was.
I think I'm the Wicca basher. I was talking to myself
--Theoden
Yeah, I think so too. I did not know he was that unhappy, but then I was lost in my own unhappiness. As you said, I knew he was unsatisfied. But it's kinda difficult to really know at this point, because he's re-written our history so drastically.
There is, however, the factor of D12, who he was very close to before Wicca Woman. Now he sees her twice a week if she's lucky. He talks to her every night, but seems eager to cut visits short or cancel them. I haven't experienced any angst about this from him except on the Fourth of July. He seems quite content to just do his own thing; this last weekend he didn't see her at all, after promising to "squeeze her in" on Saturday between his other activities and his band gig. So everything has changed for him, even the relationship he claimed to value most.
M60 H52 D20 M14 yrs OW-old gf from 1986 bomb-5/18/08 H filed for D-9/10/08 D final 4/24/09 xH remarried (not OW) 2012
So--does an exit affair change the prognosis? All the other signs and symptoms of MLC are there--script, need to change everything, personality change. He's even involved with a girlfriend from 20 years ago and looking at apartments where he lived 20 years ago.
You know, it's really difficult to figure out what I should be learning from this, how not to make the same mistakes again, etc. because the "feedback" I've gotten about what led to the demise of the marriage is a far cry from what I've experienced.
M60 H52 D20 M14 yrs OW-old gf from 1986 bomb-5/18/08 H filed for D-9/10/08 D final 4/24/09 xH remarried (not OW) 2012
OK, I'm going to confess some profoundly selfish feelings here. Can anyone relate to this?
H picked up D to spend a little time with her this evening--about an hour and a half. Over dinnertime, but he didn't feed her. She came back absolutely thrilled at the time they'd spent together, reading a book together. That's pretty much what they do together these days, which is a nice thing. She went on and on about the book, read a few pages ahead and called H a couple of times to discuss it. H is now on his way to a retreat with his students until Friday. He didn't see her at all last weekend, saw her a total of 2 1/2 hours this week, and plans to have her spend the night Friday--but half the time he cancels those overnights. He rarely comes in the house, but honks for her to come out and drops her off.
I know that she is just trying to make things tolerable for herself; she misses her dad and places a lot of importance on her time with him. I know it's not unusual for kids to project the parent who left onto a pedestal. And I truly do understand that she needs a good relationship with her dad at this time in her life. And I do whatever I can to support that, which involves a lot of tongue-biting. But I feel betrayed all over again because D is always so excited to see her father. I'm doing 99% of the parenting, the chauffering around, the homework, the boring everyday stuff, while he gets to have fun with her and then go off and pursue whatever self-actualization he chooses to do. I'm feeling a little like chopped liver.
I'd never ever mention this, and I'm sure I'll get over it; I understand it all in my head. But feeling-wise, it hurts. I think I need to bump up the zoloft.
M60 H52 D20 M14 yrs OW-old gf from 1986 bomb-5/18/08 H filed for D-9/10/08 D final 4/24/09 xH remarried (not OW) 2012
She's trying to cling to her dad because she feels she's losing him. It's natural. She's doing what we all do when we think we're losing someone: get clingy and needy. And we all do backflips when the person who has withdrawn themselves from us throws us a few crumbs of affection.
She's growing up in a solid parochial school environment. She knows her dad is wrong. But, perhaps, sub-conciously, she thinks she had something to do with it and wants to win his affection.
Regarding your other post. I don't know what to say except learn what you can from this. Think hard.
What have I, Theoden, learned?
I took my spouse for granted.
I believed that our vows alone were sufficient to keep us married -- they are not.
I lost myself. Wasn't on my game regarding life-goals, career, etc. I was sleepwalking through life.
I was a nice guy. But way too nice. Not passionate or open-hearted.
I never really expressed my feelings to people. I merely negotiated to avoid conflict and get what I wanted. But no one ever really knew me.
