What do you think I should do? He keeps saying I am so selfish. I said that I can't time all my business trips around him wanting to be out of the house and then he was saying that I just wanted a shopping trip and was waiting til my paycheck for that.
I want to go on this conference, and if he wants to keep the money, then I think I should stay in the house. The thing is that I am 100% sure that if I stayed in the house things would be fine. I don't know why he is so terrified to be around me!
ITH
Me:34 H:36 M:5 years T: 8 years Bomb: 07/17/08 I want to be separated for 6 months--I don't know what I want the outcome to be S 07/28/08-11/08/08 Living together ~7 months D Possibly busted?!?!!!
Sorry to read all that madness. I wish I knew what to say, or at least had something new to offer to the conversation.
It just seems like this process is going to take a lot longer than expected. Is there no way for you to take your pets to live in the US?
I just think if he wants to be alone sooo much then maybe you should show him 100% what that would be like. A legal separation so you don't have to share your money with him anymore might be helpful to open up his eyes. I know you don't want to stay in Poland, so don't. Go back and get your baby animals and do what you want and what will make you happy.
Time to stop thinking about that DAM of yours. Drop the rope.
He's just lashing out now. Don't do anything let him cool down and you need to cool down too. Trust me right now is not a good time to even think of a resolution becuase of the anger you have.
He's trying to push your buttons and bait you into an all out arguement. If you ignore him now it'll be fine. You don't want to prove him right do you? because if you keep on with him he's going to say "see I told you so"
I really think you should get out of your apartment tonight. There seems to be so much to do in warsaw...pick something...I see that there's an auction at the Rempex Gallery at 5pm
Last edited by JenInVen; 09/24/0804:48 PM.
Jen *The more anger towards the past you carry in your heart, the less capable you are of loving in the present*
I'm actually in Wroclaw though. Unfortunately I don't think I can leave the apartment. My eyes are all puffy and red, but he's not online anymore anyway...
Anyway I can assume HE did not send me a loving message from that weird number earlier!
OK I am going to do another post with the REALLY long IM that we had this afternoon. So sory, but if anyone could give me thoughts, I'd love them. By the way I know I started slipping at the end, but i thought I was pretty good at the beginning, would love other thoughts.
ITH
Me:34 H:36 M:5 years T: 8 years Bomb: 07/17/08 I want to be separated for 6 months--I don't know what I want the outcome to be S 07/28/08-11/08/08 Living together ~7 months D Possibly busted?!?!!!
OK warned you all...I know there are some backslides from my part at the end, but I think he was just a complete a$$. Any thought on this?
H: how are you you M: hi fine thanks, you? M: ok last night the car was being weird, a fuel injector warning light came on, which said that something was potentially wrong with the fuel injection-it means you should not ride long distances, and i am goign to take cat to the vet this weekend M: ok thanks, and that's lame about the car H: how are you doing on your job, things going well? M: they're going OK, end of quarter H: is this move to poland held you back in your career, i know we are goign through rough times but do not let your career suffer M: It's just a quarter, it's OK, not held back H: has it hurt you M: I don't think so H: ok, talk to your manager often, keep in close contact with him, he will communicate more if he hears from you regularly, specially in a phone call H: i am worried about you M: thanks for being worried. I'm ok and i have VC meetings with him regulalry H: and is ti weird living out in Poland, are people nice, are you making friends and all M: There are lots of expats here other managers at work H ok M: so I have people to hang out with, yes it is weird, i hate the food H: yeah i know that feeling M: so all the pets are well/ H: yeah they are fine i still have not gotten my tax disc for the car though M: oh H: and they already charged us from what you said M: yes H: well hopefully it did not get lost in the mail H: have you talked to b lately M: no, I look at her blog though H: you should try to stay in touch with your friends; i know she means a lot to you and you are going through a rough time, also be safe out there, do not get too drunk or anything, people might not take care of you M: yes she does mean a lot to me. I am not getting drunk, so no worries, if you get a chance too I sent the budget through to you, it is very bad this next month H: i will look at it this weekend, pretty busy now M: OK np, just warning you in advance of how dismal it is H: well then we cut back, at least on school we may be able to pay off early and no need to wait a bunch of time and all, so after jan we may be in a much better position M yes--this month we have a shortfall though, a very major one, end October better with stock money, but til then I am not sure what to do--will leave it to you to look for over the weekend though H: i am looking at the budget, you have a flight there, are you coming here again M: it was to buy my return flight, not sure what it will cost, originally was also in case you were visiting H: hmmm when are you set to return to dublin and no need for hotel since i thought you were not goign to Valencia, and we can take out hobbies and interests for me M: I had found out I could expense the flight from here to valencia as long as it stayed within the fare cap from Dublin was going to do 2 Ryan Air flights, anyway though I can give up this trip still H: if that trip costs us money i suggest giving it up M: yes it's too bad though as it was a cool conference with X, but i'll give it up H: ok, i wiped out my hobbies M: ok H: and lowered dog walking to 4 times a week M: ok H: when are you permamently coming back to dublin M: it's semi-flexible, mid-late October unless I go to the US first--I've been asked to go meet with engineering H: what are we goign to do about living situation, because i cannot live with you M: why are you saying this already? H: because i cannot M: how do you know? H maybe we can go back to you dictating and see hwo that goes M: no I never want that H: well you seem to be doing it now M: I'm sorry if it came across that way H says: i cannot imagine living with you in a month, i have been very clear about that the last few weeks and i am clear now M what would your suggestion be? H: one of us find another place to live M: for how long? H: i do not know, but i do not want to live together, i cannot do it M: I'm sorry you feel so bad about us and about me H: i am sorry to, but i cannot do it M: I would really like to be able to spend some time with you, we haven't done this in months really H: it will be like being in prison M: I'm sorry you feel that way H: i am too, and i think you are wonderful, and like you as a person, but i am not going to choose unhappiness: i have been giving you plenty of warning that this is how i feel, i have been very upfront the last two months, you are choosing to ignore this M says: I am not ignoriing anything H, I just assumed that we would talk things out in person rather than via IM H: if you think in mid oct I am going to be ready for us to move together, then yes, you are ignoring something M: I had thought we would live in separate bedrooms, given our financial situation and I do think that talking about things in person is probably a good way to deal with things H: well i cannot do the separate bedrooms, we need to be separate completely H: i have again, been very clear about this and i will say the same thing in person, video conference, seance or whatever, it upsets me that what i say doe not get heard M: I have heard you I promise H: i cannot do it, I cannot, I cannot, I cannot M: so you want another 3 months? H: yes; I told you from teh get go I wanted 6, and again, you chose to ignore that M says: then we are going to need to sit together and figure something out, I didn't ognire it. I thought I was making things easy by choosing a place where I didn't have to pay rent H: well- i understand that there are financial considerations but i will be damned if i cam going to live in prison to make things easier M: I am very sorry you feel like being with me is prison H: maybe you should consider going to argentina for work M: I cannot do this again for work. I'm sorry H: ok, then think of moving to the usa or something, i have to stay here because of school M: you mean for 3 months? H: no way out of that, but you have a chance to live somewhere else for 3 or for 6 or for whatever M: for 3 months? H: i am not goign to live in the same house together M: I don't want to fight with you, expecially via IM, and it is very painful that you think I am like prison H: i understand it is, but i cannot change that M: well things can change with time if youw ant them to M: i have been very upfront with you H: i do not know M: no I know you don't know H: the thought of living with you and going back to that life makes me want to cry M: why do you think it would be the same life? H: it tears me up and makes me so unahhpy, goddamit, let me be alone please: it is how i have been happiest in years M I am not trying to do anything to yo9u H: why are you so selfish M: ? H: you want me to be somethign that i may not be able to be M: no I don't. I want you to believe that we can start to get to know each other again. I am not asking for guarantees: you mean the world to me, and I would have never intentionally hurt you H: i am not going to live with you. i do not care if we destroy our budget. i do not care if i eat beans and rice every day, but i am not going to live with you. i will not choose unhappiness to make you happy, because it will not M: I will do anohter 3 months if we can sit down together and actually talk about this I am not asking you to choose unhappiness H: yeah right M: I am only asking you not to close your heart so much. clearly I hurt you a lot, and I am more sorry than you can ever imagine H: well you have been bullying me for years and i am not going to put up with it: you are doing it again M: how am I bullying you? H: i told you i did not want to live with you again, i am not ready M: OK then H: you are telling me i might be, ignornign what i said before countless times M: I'm saying I will do the additional 3 months H: you knew this was coming because i told you, you ignored it and just pushed it M: I did not ignore it. you have not said how you will do 3 months. yeah, you did, you acted surprised when i said it M: I’m sorry I thought I did earlier. I will do it, but not here in Poland. I can't do that M: i care about you ITH, i do, but i cannot act as if i want to married, because right now i do not , which is why we are separated M says: I am not expecting you to act as though we are married, only to try to get to know me again H: it hurts to say that to you, it very much does, but i am happier on my own, not completely happy, but much happier M: I just wish you would trust me a little bit, not saying we have to live together, just asking for you to have a tiny but of faith that maybe things do change M: that's all H: well the thing is that i trust some of what you say, and maybe you will change, and have changed- that is not the point, i cannot force myself to have feeling i do not have right now M: I am not asking you to, again only asking that you not shut down to the possibility. I want to try to be friends again and see what happens, that's it. I know we are different people, and I know you have been thorugh the wringer. I have too H, and when you first met me you didn't love me, you only liked me, and ditto for how I felt about you, and things became of that, and maybe they will and maybe they won't. I am not trying to control you H: well that will not happen living in the same house, and you are in fact being controlling M: if that is adamantly how you feel then I understand, and will help figure something else out for the next 3 months H: well there are few options, one of us rents a room, we can make budget room for an apartment if need be, but a room might be fine M: if that's what you want H: the advantage of who ever rents is less looking after the pets and a closer commute and no big house clean up, the bad is no pets to play with and less space M: I would like to be back in the house again, it is not so nice not to be, but we share things, the car, the pets H: ok then i can see about renting a room, it will cost like 500 a month M: and will you want us to be seeing each other over these 3 months? H: i can see about starting in nov; yeah, but we maintain strict separation, and see each other in neutral places M: I will need you to come to the house sometimes for the pets like I did and I think that it woudl be much better to do this in person H: yeah but we need to start looking at arrangements M: I might as well not stay here anymore: I thought after 3 mnonths we were going to sit down and look at things together, but it's been 2 and we are already saying no to that, so I feel that it would be better for me just to come back sooner H: i always told you 6, ok so you come back sooner M says: I know but with the idea that we would revisit if I remember right H: and we can revisti in a month: so i am not getting what you are saying, you want to come back to dublin now? M: no I guess not H: then i am not clear on what you are talking about M: I don't knwo either, this whole thing is confusing and i am just so shocked at everything H i know it is hard, but i have tried to give you a heads up , and i am doing it now, again M: what do you hope for? H: i want to be on my own and keep on getting to know myself M: and do you hope to love me again? H: it would be good to, it would be good to be happy with you M: OK H: but i cannot gear up for that, i have no way too M: I promise I am not trying to control you. I really just want you to give me a chance, and I think you are afraid to H: giving you a chance is not by living with you M: I am not saying that, getting to know each other, getting rid of teh anger, being friends, having some trust again H: well i feel like you are pushign me to live with you again, and that does not help on the trust M: I am not pushing this now, I apologize if you feel that way, these three months are going to be extremely hard financially though, so we are going to need to sit together and work things out M: are you ever going to be able to forgive me H? H i am trying, but if i am happy on my own, and have a chance for it that i have not had in years, it is difficult to change that M: I know I understand, it is difficult to believe things will be better with me, only asking for that windown of opportunity, not a promise. I am a good person and we were always very good friends. I am not sure why that has become so hard. I respect everything you've been doing, you are amazing in every way no man could hold a candle to you H: thank you, i think you are amazing too M: I'm just sorry that you're so angry with me and don't rtust me. I do think you know that I am different now, maybe it's not the best time to be doing joint sessions anymoe . I don't think you're at the place where you want to talk about that kind of thing, and I don't think we need a moderator. I think we can talk to each other fine now H: yeah, maybe once a month is fine; i sent you the latest budget so you can cut it from here M: what about your PT? How is everything going there? H: ohh it is going ok; listen i have cut everything i can from teh budget, see if you can find more, we might just have to pay student loans late or something M: I don't think I can do that--they just came off deferment, but i will look H: well or we just pay late M: was going to say that if you think it woudl be helpful I could alywas go to your psycho appots with you? I mean like some if you'd prefer to phone sessions or maybe not didn't know H says: let me just do this on my own for the time M: sure ; I don't know when to come back now H: as late as possible, so i can arrange for me to rent a room, cause i will need 500 for rent and maybe a deposit M: this is so dismal H: well it would be much worse you and i in the same house M: I'll have been out of the house 12 weeks as of October 15th--I guess I can always come back then and leave to go the US right away for my business trip oh if you want sometimes there are people renting out rooms from X company for a few months while they go on ambassador programs H: ok well look for that, and i can be the one in the room M yes H: or i can find through school, i always see signs for it M: but you can still work at the house and stuff, I don't mind, and hang with the pets the nice thing about the X rooms is that they are set periods of time and usually no deposit M: would you still go on a vacation with me or something, see what that was like? H: well see if anything is available, not sure M: was only thinking maybe just a weekend over Xmas or New Years H: we will see, right now we have to figure out living M: I know; I really hope you understand how much you matter to me H: i understand, but you have to know, i cannot be somethign i am not M: I am not asking you to. I just feel like you are so angry at me H: you push me into things M: that you will do anything not to trust me or like me H: you have in the past, and you did it today M: I feel like I have been very accommodating, this has been a big challenge for me H: well i appreciate the good will on your part M: I am not just a stranger H: but at the same itme it is my life too, and i can make decisions for myself and one of those is for me to be alone, so you are not doing me a favour by letting me be alone M: I am saying that I still want to give things a chance even with no guarantees: that you matter to me, that I know how angry you are, that i admit my own faults, that I will go from place to place to try and respect your alone time and not have it put us into debt. I meant what I said, you are AMAZING, and leaving you for 3 months is the hardest thing I've ever done in my life H: its not easy for me either, but i have lived years and let you guide things and gave up my happiness because i thought i was making you happiness, my sacrifice has been done already M: I really wish we would have sought counseling before. I just hope you will give me the chance to make it up to you. I am not so stupid that I would make that mistake ever again. I was stupid to take you for granted H: i never thought you were stupid M well I thin kI was stupid. I hate myself for it, you have no idea, and then I spend all this time becoming a much better person and you are still scared to be around me, in any capacity H: you should not hate yourself fo it. i am just not into being married right now, i do not have the feelings for it: that part is done M says: I undersatnd how this must have killed your feelings H: i am happy to see what we can do, but like you said no guarantees M: I understand as long as you give me the benefit of teh doubt from time to time. I just want to spend some time with you, and you will not date other people right? H: no M: ok H: i want to be on my own, stop asking M: well I didn't know H: if i change my mind you will be the first to know M: I woudl hope so, I want to see you, we have not even sat down together properly in months H: i am going to go eat something, take it easy and relax, everything works out for the best
Me:34 H:36 M:5 years T: 8 years Bomb: 07/17/08 I want to be separated for 6 months--I don't know what I want the outcome to be S 07/28/08-11/08/08 Living together ~7 months D Possibly busted?!?!!!
Me:34 H:36 M:5 years T: 8 years Bomb: 07/17/08 I want to be separated for 6 months--I don't know what I want the outcome to be S 07/28/08-11/08/08 Living together ~7 months D Possibly busted?!?!!!
