Working on believing in miracles

[istherehope]

OK warned you all...I know there are some backslides from my part at the end, but I think he was just a complete a$$. Any thought on this?

H: how are you you
M: hi fine thanks, you?
M: ok last night the car was being weird, a fuel injector warning light came on, which said that something was potentially wrong with the fuel injection-it means you should not ride long distances, and i am goign to take cat to the vet this weekend
M: ok thanks, and that's lame about the car
H: how are you doing on your job, things going well?
M: they're going OK, end of quarter
H: is this move to poland held you back in your career, i know we are goign through rough times but do not let your career suffer
M: It's just a quarter, it's OK, not held back
H: has it hurt you
M: I don't think so
H: ok, talk to your manager often, keep in close contact with him, he will communicate more if he hears from you regularly, specially in a phone call
H: i am worried about you
M: thanks for being worried. I'm ok and i have VC meetings with him regulalry
H: and is ti weird living out in Poland, are people nice, are you making friends and all
M: There are lots of expats here other managers at work
H ok
M: so I have people to hang out with, yes it is weird, i hate the food
H: yeah i know that feeling
M: so all the pets are well/
H: yeah they are fine i still have not gotten my tax disc for the car though
M: oh
H: and they already charged us from what you said
M: yes
H: well hopefully it did not get lost in the mail
H: have you talked to b lately
M: no, I look at her blog though
H: you should try to stay in touch with your friends; i know she means a lot to you and you are going through a rough time, also be safe out there, do not get too drunk or anything, people might not take care of you
M: yes she does mean a lot to me. I am not getting drunk, so no worries, if you get a chance too I sent the budget through to you, it is very bad this next month
H: i will look at it this weekend, pretty busy now
M: OK np, just warning you in advance of how dismal it is
H: well then we cut back, at least on school we may be able to pay off early and no need to wait a bunch of time and all, so after jan we may be in a much better position
M yes--this month we have a shortfall though, a very major one, end October better with stock money, but til then I am not sure what to do--will leave it to you to look for over the weekend though
H: i am looking at the budget, you have a flight there, are you coming here again
M: it was to buy my return flight, not sure what it will cost, originally was also in case you were visiting
H: hmmm
when are you set to return to dublin and no need for hotel since i thought you were not goign to Valencia, and we can take out hobbies and interests for me
M: I had found out I could expense the flight from here to valencia as long as it stayed within the fare cap from Dublin was going to do 2 Ryan Air flights, anyway though I can give up this trip still
H: if that trip costs us money i suggest giving it up
M: yes it's too bad though as it was a cool conference with X, but i'll give it up
H: ok, i wiped out my hobbies
M: ok
H: and lowered dog walking to 4 times a week
M: ok
H: when are you permamently coming back to dublin
M: it's semi-flexible, mid-late October unless I go to the US first--I've been asked to go meet with engineering
H: what are we goign to do about living situation, because i cannot live with you
M: why are you saying this already?
H: because i cannot
M: how do you know?
H maybe we can go back to you dictating and see hwo that goes
M: no I never want that
H: well you seem to be doing it now
M: I'm sorry if it came across that way
H says: i cannot imagine living with you in a month, i have been very clear about that the last few weeks and i am clear now
M what would your suggestion be?
H: one of us find another place to live
M: for how long?
H: i do not know, but i do not want to live together, i cannot do it
M: I'm sorry you feel so bad about us and about me
H: i am sorry to, but i cannot do it
M: I would really like to be able to spend some time with you, we haven't done this in months really
H: it will be like being in prison
M: I'm sorry you feel that way
H: i am too, and i think you are wonderful, and like you as a person, but i am not going to choose unhappiness: i have been giving you plenty of warning that this is how i feel, i have been very upfront the last two months, you are choosing to ignore this
M says: I am not ignoriing anything H, I just assumed that we would talk things out in person rather than via IM
H: if you think in mid oct I am going to be ready for us to move together, then yes, you are ignoring something
M: I had thought we would live in separate bedrooms, given our financial situation
and I do think that talking about things in person is probably a good way to deal with things
H: well i cannot do the separate bedrooms, we need to be separate completely
H: i have again, been very clear about this and i will say the same thing in person, video conference, seance or whatever, it upsets me that what i say doe not get heard
M: I have heard you I promise
H: i cannot do it, I cannot, I cannot, I cannot
M: so you want another 3 months?
H: yes; I told you from teh get go I wanted 6, and again, you chose to ignore that
M says: then we are going to need to sit together and figure something out, I didn't ognire it. I thought I was making things easy by choosing a place where I didn't have to pay rent
H: well- i understand that there are financial considerations but i will be damned if i cam going to live in prison to make things easier
M: I am very sorry you feel like being with me is prison
H: maybe you should consider going to argentina for work
M: I cannot do this again for work. I'm sorry
H: ok, then think of moving to the usa or something, i have to stay here because of school
M: you mean for 3 months?
H: no way out of that, but you have a chance to live somewhere else for 3 or for 6 or for whatever
M: for 3 months?
H: i am not goign to live in the same house together
M: I don't want to fight with you, expecially via IM, and it is very painful that you think I am like prison
H: i understand it is, but i cannot change that
M: well things can change with time if youw ant them to
M: i have been very upfront with you
H: i do not know
M: no I know you don't know
H: the thought of living with you and going back to that life makes me want to cry
M: why do you think it would be the same life?
H: it tears me up and makes me so unahhpy, goddamit, let me be alone please: it is how i have been happiest in years
M I am not trying to do anything to yo9u
H: why are you so selfish
M: ?
H: you want me to be somethign that i may not be able to be
M: no I don't. I want you to believe that we can start to get to know each other again. I am not asking for guarantees: you mean the world to me, and I would have never intentionally hurt you
H: i am not going to live with you. i do not care if we destroy our budget. i do not care if i eat beans and rice every day, but i am not going to live with you. i will not choose unhappiness to make you happy, because it will not
M: I will do anohter 3 months if we can sit down together and actually talk about this
I am not asking you to choose unhappiness
H: yeah right
M: I am only asking you not to close your heart so much. clearly I hurt you a lot, and I am more sorry than you can ever imagine
H: well you have been bullying me for years and i am not going to put up with it: you are doing it again
M: how am I bullying you?
H: i told you i did not want to live with you again, i am not ready
M: OK then
H: you are telling me i might be, ignornign what i said before countless times
M: I'm saying I will do the additional 3 months
H: you knew this was coming because i told you, you ignored it and just pushed it
M: I did not ignore it. you have not said how you will do 3 months. yeah, you did, you acted surprised when i said it
M: I’m sorry I thought I did earlier. I will do it, but not here in Poland. I can't do that
M: i care about you ITH, i do, but i cannot act as if i want to married, because right now i do not , which is why we are separated
M says: I am not expecting you to act as though we are married, only to try to get to know me again
H: it hurts to say that to you, it very much does, but i am happier on my own, not completely happy, but much happier
M: I just wish you would trust me a little bit, not saying we have to live together, just asking for you to have a tiny but of faith that maybe things do change
M: that's all
H: well the thing is that i trust some of what you say, and maybe you will change, and have changed- that is not the point, i cannot force myself to have feeling i do not have right now
M: I am not asking you to, again only asking that you not shut down to the possibility. I want to try to be friends again and see what happens, that's it. I know we are different people, and I know you have been thorugh the wringer. I have too H, and when you first met me you didn't love me, you only liked me, and ditto for how I felt about you, and things became of that, and maybe they will and maybe they won't. I am not trying to control you
H: well that will not happen living in the same house, and you are in fact being controlling
M: if that is adamantly how you feel then I understand, and will help figure something else out for the next 3 months
H: well there are few options, one of us rents a room, we can make budget room for an apartment if need be, but a room might be fine
M: if that's what you want
H: the advantage of who ever rents is less looking after the pets and a closer commute and no big house clean up, the bad is no pets to play with and less space
M: I would like to be back in the house again, it is not so nice not to be, but we share things, the car, the pets
H: ok then i can see about renting a room, it will cost like 500 a month
M: and will you want us to be seeing each other over these 3 months?
H: i can see about starting in nov; yeah, but we maintain strict separation, and see each other in neutral places
M: I will need you to come to the house sometimes for the pets like I did and I think that it woudl be much better to do this in person
H: yeah but we need to start looking at arrangements
M: I might as well not stay here anymore: I thought after 3 mnonths we were going to sit down and look at things together, but it's been 2 and we are already saying no to that, so I feel that it would be better for me just to come back sooner
H: i always told you 6, ok so you come back sooner
M says: I know but with the idea that we would revisit if I remember right
H: and we can revisti in a month: so i am not getting what you are saying, you want to come back to dublin now?
M: no I guess not
H: then i am not clear on what you are talking about
M: I don't knwo either, this whole thing is confusing and i am just so shocked at everything
H i know it is hard, but i have tried to give you a heads up
, and i am doing it now, again
M: what do you hope for?
H: i want to be on my own and keep on getting to know myself
M: and do you hope to love me again?
H: it would be good to, it would be good to be happy with you
M: OK
H: but i cannot gear up for that, i have no way too
M: I promise I am not trying to control you. I really just want you to give me a chance, and I think you are afraid to
H: giving you a chance is not by living with you
M: I am not saying that, getting to know each other, getting rid of teh anger, being friends, having some trust again
H: well i feel like you are pushign me to live with you again, and that does not help on the trust
M: I am not pushing this now, I apologize if you feel that way, these three months are going to be extremely hard financially though, so we are going to need to sit together and work things out
M: are you ever going to be able to forgive me H?
H i am trying, but if i am happy on my own, and have a chance for it that i have not had in years, it is difficult to change that
M: I know I understand, it is difficult to believe things will be better with me, only asking for that windown of opportunity, not a promise. I am a good person and we were always very good friends. I am not sure why that has become so hard. I respect everything you've been doing, you are amazing in every way no man could hold a candle to you
H: thank you, i think you are amazing too
M: I'm just sorry that you're so angry with me and don't rtust me. I do think you know that I am different now, maybe it's not the best time to be doing joint sessions anymoe
. I don't think you're at the place where you want to talk about that kind of thing, and I don't think we need a moderator. I think we can talk to each other fine now
H: yeah, maybe once a month is fine; i sent you the latest budget so you can cut it from here
M: what about your PT? How is everything going there?
H: ohh it is going ok; listen i have cut everything i can from teh budget, see if you can find more, we might just have to pay student loans late or something
M: I don't think I can do that--they just came off deferment, but i will look
H: well or we just pay late
M: was going to say that if you think it woudl be helpful I could alywas go to your psycho appots with you? I mean like some if you'd prefer to phone sessions or maybe not didn't know
H says: let me just do this on my own for the time
M: sure ; I don't know when to come back now
H: as late as possible, so i can arrange for me to rent a room, cause i will need 500 for rent and maybe a deposit
M: this is so dismal
H: well it would be much worse you and i in the same house
M: I'll have been out of the house 12 weeks as of October 15th--I guess I can always come back then and leave to go the US right away for my business trip
oh if you want sometimes there are people renting out rooms from X company for a few months while they go on ambassador programs
H: ok well look for that, and i can be the one in the room
M yes
H: or i can find through school, i always see signs for it
M: but you can still work at the house and stuff, I don't mind, and hang with the pets
the nice thing about the X rooms is that they are set periods of time
and usually no deposit
M: would you still go on a vacation with me or something, see what that was like?
H: well see if anything is available, not sure
M: was only thinking maybe just a weekend over Xmas or New Years
H: we will see, right now we have to figure out living
M: I know; I really hope you understand how much you matter to me
H: i understand, but you have to know, i cannot be somethign i am not
M: I am not asking you to. I just feel like you are so angry at me
H: you push me into things
M: that you will do anything not to trust me or like me
H: you have in the past, and you did it today
M: I feel like I have been very accommodating, this has been a big challenge for me
H: well i appreciate the good will on your part
M: I am not just a stranger
H: but at the same itme it is my life too, and i can make decisions for myself and one of those is for me to be alone, so you are not doing me a favour by letting me be alone
M: I am saying that I still want to give things a chance even with no guarantees: that you matter to me, that I know how angry you are, that i admit my own faults, that I will go from place to place to try and respect your alone time and not have it put us into debt. I meant what I said, you are AMAZING, and leaving you for 3 months is the hardest thing I've ever done in my life
H: its not easy for me either, but i have lived years and let you guide things and gave up my happiness because i thought i was making you happiness, my sacrifice has been done already
M: I really wish we would have sought counseling before. I just hope you will give me the chance to make it up to you. I am not so stupid that I would make that mistake ever again. I was stupid to take you for granted
H: i never thought you were stupid
M well I thin kI was stupid. I hate myself for it, you have no idea, and then I spend all this time becoming a much better person and you are still scared to be around me, in any capacity
H: you should not hate yourself fo it. i am just not into being married right now, i do not have the feelings for it: that part is done
M says: I undersatnd how this must have killed your feelings
H: i am happy to see what we can do, but like you said no guarantees
M: I understand as long as you give me the benefit of teh doubt from time to time. I just want to spend some time with you, and you will not date other people right?
H: no
M: ok
H: i want to be on my own, stop asking
M: well I didn't know
H: if i change my mind you will be the first to know
M: I woudl hope so, I want to see you, we have not even sat down together properly in months
H: i am going to go eat something, take it easy and relax, everything works out for the best