My h came out with this kind of stuff to - I think it is becasue they don't really know what to do or say. I don't have a lot of suggestions but remember to do a 180. If it is annoying you try 'acting as if' you appreciate his concern or something.
Grrr... I agree with you though - very irritating. Don't you wanna just say 'hmmm, yeah everything is JUST dandy - what do you bloody think???!!!!'
That voice message in intriguing and so is him asking how everything is going. BUT don't read too much into either one. Do something for you today that will take your mind off of him ok?
Jen *The more anger towards the past you carry in your heart, the less capable you are of loving in the present*
OK we've just had the WORST Im conversation EVER!!!!
He's said he absolutely can't live with me, that it's like being in prison.
He is done with being married, but he won't date anyone else. Yes he would like to be happy with me someday, but he can't sacrifice his own happiness right now. I said that we should really do this in person rather than via IM. I said that I wanted to see him etc. It was SOOOO bad and right now I can barely hold myself together.
We can't afford 2 residences but he doesn't care.
He wants me to be gone for as long as possible in Poland, but now that I know this is coming, I just want to go back.
He ended the conversation by saying "take it easy and relax, everything works out for the best". I HATE him right now. he has " lived years and let you guide things and gave up my happiness because i thought i was making you happiness" so he is done sacrificing. PLEASE. He never even told me any of this!!! "the thought of living with you and going back to that life makes me want to cry" "goddamit, let me be alone please"
"well- i understand that there are financial considerations but i will be damned if i cam going to live in prison to make things easier"
Then he says maybe I should go work in Argentina for awhile. My company is not my world tour operator!!!!!
I could ask for some unpaid leave and go somewhere, but again then we won't be able to see each other. He wants to see each other, but only in neutral places. I DON"T know what to do now and every week that I have a good feeling, like a miracle is going to happen, it all comes crumbling apart.
I am SO lost!!!
ITH
Me:34 H:36 M:5 years T: 8 years Bomb: 07/17/08 I want to be separated for 6 months--I don't know what I want the outcome to be S 07/28/08-11/08/08 Living together ~7 months D Possibly busted?!?!!!
You know my h tried to do the same but it was over text instead of IM - kind of the same thing though. I just politely told him that I was happy to have the discussion with him if that was what he wanted but that I was not prepared to do it over text. Maybe you could say something like 'I'm really happy to discuss this but perhaps we could arrange a more convienient time? I am more than happy to talk to you about it over the phone or face-to-face'
Ok lets think...I got the same convo from my H at the beginning of the S too. I felt like I was reading my sitch for a moment. I think it's a normal thing for him to say right now and I wonder how many others actually got the same "speech" at one time or another.
Ok maybe it does or doesn't help to know that what he's saying is pretty much part of the "script"
What got this convo started? Did he bring up the R talk or did you?
I think you might want to turn off the IM for a while at least for today. It won't do any good to talk to him now when you're both pretty rotted for various reasons. Can you take a walk in a park or something to clear your head?
Jen *The more anger towards the past you carry in your heart, the less capable you are of loving in the present*
Oh now we just talked on the phone and it was even worse!!!
He called so I called him back.
He said right now he is not feeling in love. He is so angry because I never listen to him. If we get divorced we'll have to give away the pets.
The idea of staying married makes him panic.
He kept saying how I shouldn't throw away my career.
I did some backslides. I am SOOOOO upset!
I don't know what to do!!!!!!!
And he brought up the R talk.
ITH
Me:34 H:36 M:5 years T: 8 years Bomb: 07/17/08 I want to be separated for 6 months--I don't know what I want the outcome to be S 07/28/08-11/08/08 Living together ~7 months D Possibly busted?!?!!!
Seriously I am not sure if I should just give up now?????
He is not the same person I knew before. He is cruel and mean and spouting things from self-help books about me not making his happiness for him.
ITH
Me:34 H:36 M:5 years T: 8 years Bomb: 07/17/08 I want to be separated for 6 months--I don't know what I want the outcome to be S 07/28/08-11/08/08 Living together ~7 months D Possibly busted?!?!!!
Ok first off, those are some pretty bad self help books if they suggest that YOU are not making him happy as someone else can't make you happy if you are not happy with yourself.
Yes, your H seems to be reading from my H script too. "I'm not happy", "I need to think about my happiness right now", "Maybe we're not meant to be married". I heard so many different reasons for why he was leaving and many contradicted with each other too.
I personally don't think you should give up. At times like this it sure does feel easier too but you need to decide if your marriage is worth it to you. Hang in there.
I agree you need to stop chatting with him for today sign off of IM or put it where it says yr off. Go clear your head do what ever you need to, to calm down.
To be honest with you ITH, personally I wouldn't have called him back. It was bound to be a heated phone call. You don't always have to respond to him. Sorry, I know you're feeling bad but this is my honest opinion. It is much better to wait until you are in a better frame of mind to handle conversations like that and you never know, the moment may have past for him also.
I seriously recommend that you sign off IM and don't answer the phone tonight. Give yourself a night off - it won't do you or him any harm.
Quote:
spouting things from self-help books about me not making his happiness for him.
And if he was reading any self-help book worth it's salt then he would know that you create your own happiness in your life. It sounds to me like he is spouting feelings and feelings change and pass. Remember the old rule about believing nothing - don't let it distract you from your goal. And also, time is on your side.
I'm going have to agree with Julia and Sep on this one. You need to do whatever is necessary to keep from talking to him today. I still think you are focusing too much on him and maybe he senses this too. He has to focus on his needs and happiness right now and you need to focus on yours...what makes ITH happy? What makes ITH tick and get excited? Forget about him for now Please???
Jen *The more anger towards the past you carry in your heart, the less capable you are of loving in the present*
