Out of limbo land

[sandi2]

Hello, welcome to the DB board and I hope you will stick around. Some don't hear what they want or they grow impatient and leave. But, there is much to learn and you are young and have a lot of life ahead of you. I hope it will be shared with your wife and son.

I'm not sure what you meant by "you" being out of limbo land. I've never heard of the LBH being in limbo land. But, as you said, it wasn't what you expected. What did you expect?

I did not notice where you had read Michelle's books. Have you ordered the DR book yet? It is very important that you read this b/c these are your tools to retore your M and become a better person while doing it.

I was almost a WAW so I think I know a little about what your W may be going through, however, I think it was due to very different reasons.

There was something in your post that really jumped out at me.

She is still sticking to the fact that I verbally abused her and that she said the numbed herself and shut her heart down because that was the only way she could live with me. (I do admit I can be a little zealous in my sarcasm and I have a hard time judging when I do hurt others feelings but I've been going to counseling for the last 4 months to help with that.)

I got the impression that you do not take this very seriously. Plus, as you said, you have been going to counseling the last 4 months for help with that. If you have been in counseling, then that tells me that you did indeed have a very serious problem with verbal abuse. And, you started it "after" your wife left you.

Now, let me, if I may, tell you what verbal abuse does to a woman. You can call it a "little zealous sarcasm" and judging, or whatever you want, but it is still critisizing. When a woman hears this all the time from the one that is suppose to cherish her above all others.......I think there was something about that in the wedding vows.......anyway, it tears her apart and puts her down until her self esteem is gone. I have often used the illustration of a woman being like a flower that needs to be have water and sunshine to bloom and be beautiful. If you ignore that flower, it will wither and die. What is worse, is when the flower is simply stepped on until it is crushed and has no life in it. I think that is what you have done to your wife. You have killed her emotionally. That is why she said she had to shut down in order to live with you. You should be thankful. Some women find things to do to their husbands while he is sleeping. Instead, she just walked away from you.

A woman can take just so much until she feels drained of any desire or attraction or even love. She has hurt so long that all she feels now is numbness. I can't imagine living with a man that would do that to his W. My sister has lived with her H for over 20 years that has verbally abused her. He might as well have physically abused her. The only difference is the scars are on the inside instead of the outside. I don't understand it. Does it make a male feel more like a "man" to put his wife down and make her feel lower than dirt? Does he get turned on by emotionally kicking her in the guts all the time? Or, does he feel more like a "superman" b/c he is bigger and stronger than she is? Is that the only way he can feel good about himself is by putting her down? Is feeling "superior" to her that important.....or just superior to anyone....and she is the only one that will take it. You see, I could get very ugly about this b/c I would not take that kind of crap from any man. I would have any man's sorry a$$ put in his place before he could turn around. But, you are lucky. You aren't married to me. So, back to your "cherished" wife that has walked away....

Why is it important for her to see your counselor and hear her side of the story? You see, I don't trust you. I don't think it is for her good that you want her to go, I think it is for your benefit.

Now, I am throwing out a challenge here to you and I'm going to see if you are man enough to take me on. Are you? I want to see if you have the guts to stick this out and see what you are really made of.......or rather what you can be made of. B/c it is what you can become that really matters. Why do you think she started "coming around" lately? It may be that you are beginning to show some positive results from the counseling sessions. Frankly, I am surprised she could even be interested to find out, but apparently she sees something there. So, she may just have enough left inside of her for this to work. But, you......YOU will have to be the one to do all the work. Not her. Just you. Can you do it? Are you up for the challenge? Have you got the ba!!s for it? We will find out. B/c the first thing you need to do it get that book.

You have a long road ahead of you, but if you want this bad enough......you can do it. It has been done before, but it is up to you. Now is the time. Don't wait around to see what she does b/c she doesn't have the problem.......you do. Only you can change you. You cannot control what she does or change her. So, let's see what you will do. Is it a deal?


P.S. Give the girl money to go to the doctor!