Well, bless your heart, I know you are in so much pain to see this happen after all these years. I hear and read of so many M's after 25 years falling apart these days. Well, I had you all beat, I was M 40+ and was about to walk out. There was some arguments about whether or not I could be considered having a MLC at my age (lol) but it doesn't have to happen in "mid-life"....it can happen at any time. I believe it all starts with the wife being unhappy in her life/marriage. She probably tried to say something about it one time and maybe you tuned her out or maybe she never even tried b/c she didn't know how. At any rate, she was miserable with her life and then she found OM and it led to an EA. Oh, and please never say, "just an EA" b/c that is all I had.....but it was devastating. It has taken me almost two years to get past it and I never met the man face to face in real life. So, for a woman, an EA is very real in her mind. She is in a fantasy and she wants to feel in love so badly that she convinces herself that she does feel in love with this jerk whether she is or not. I'm sure she isn't, but she hasn't seen that yet. She is in a state of "limbo" and that is why she is sad and depressed b/c she feels that she is not in control of what is happening in her life. For one thing, she doesn't have the money to do what she would like to do, so that puts a damper on things. But, the fact that she isn't making time for her children and grandchildren......man, that brings back memories for me. It is hard to believe a mature woman could act like a teenager again, but you can get in that state of mind until you are just stupid and make no sense to anyone. That is why you cannot rationlize anything with a WAW that is in MLC or having an A. And you might as well call it that whether they have had a PA or not. In her mind, it is just as real b/c I'm sure she fantasizes about it all the time.
To cut to the chase here, and I don't do this to be curel but to tell you like it is.......until she is over the OM, she isn't going to be in a good place. If she came home tonight, your M would still be in very serious trouble b/c for one thing, she will not "snap out of it", so you must realize that fact and let go of it. This is going to take a long, long time. Your best hope is that she will see him for what he is, but even if she does, she has not fixed herself! You see, that is where the real problem lies. She doesn't know that and she wants to blame your drinking and everything else you have ever done in order to justify her walking away from her family and a marriage of 28 years. Even if she dumped the OM or he dumped her......she would probably go looking for another man....at this point in her life. I know that is hard to hear. I'm sorry. But, you wanted to hear from a WAW and I'm telling you that even though I never actually walked, I was close enough and I continued to be a WAW in my heart for over a year. I just could not let go of the memory of the OM and wondering what it would have been if I had took my chance at happiness..........the whole bit. Even though I stayed in my M, I did not have the feelings for my H that I should have. The desire just was not there. I had no attraction what so ever. I stayed b/c I knew it was the right thing and I could not bring myself to collaspe a family that had always looked at us for it's solid foundation. But, I came sooo close that it is scary.
Your best bet is to follow that list. Continue to read the DR book and all the MLC threads. The more you post to others, the quicker you will build a support system.
I will be checking in with you. Continue to take care of yourself and to do things for yourself. Getting a life and learning that you can live without her is very important. Work on your personality, b/c I know when we are M a long time, we tend to let things slip. Maybe you need to update your wardrobe or your hair cut or whatever. Always look good, smell good enough to gobble up (lol) and use good manners. Always be friendly and upbeat, but don't over-kill so that it appears to be fake.
Sandi
It is not about what you feel should work in your M. It is about doing the work that gets the right results. Do what works!
