Another one bites the dust

[No Longer BH]

Lin, as always you have shown your true beauty and determination with your story. Thank you for sharing such a caring piece of your soul with me. I agree with lwb, the children are the real winners for having you in their lives (and us LBS here as well).

lwb, thank you for sharing such a touching video. It was very sweet and brought tears to my eyes.

These last 2 days have been wonderful for me. First I had a dear friend come over yesterday and we spent the day laughing and truly just enjoying each other's company. Then I picked up my S from school and he had had a great day and was beaming all the way home. My next door neighbor's H was at a baseball game so we went over and had ourselves a little last minute party. The kids were running wild, we were drinking a glass of red red and then it hit me - I felt completely at peace and joy. I was smiling all night. She even made dinner for everyone. How wonderful is that!

This morning my son walked to school without a single anxiety attack. He actually laughed and smiled on our journey there. I was able to enjoy a nice walk through Forrest Park (a huge park in St. Louis) and even came across a turtle. It made me smile really big. Any time thoughts of my STBXH enter my head I stop them and replace them with positive thoughts about myself and my life. This seems to be helping. He called 3 times yesterday while I was at my neighbors but did not leave a message and once again today. I know I am not strong enough yet to talk to him so will not be calling him back. I did email him a follow up on how our S was doing but left it at that. He has emailed me 2x's now wanting to know how I am feeling. Again, I am not withholding this information to hurt him or out of spite. I am cutting off all contact when it concerns me and my health so that I dont start to try and lean on him for support. I have to be there for me and this is the best way I know how. When I get back from the doc's tomorrow I will email him the results of the last test but I will not discuss anything else with him. This is my journey and I need to do a better job of just focusing on my own path.

I am also trying to stop talking about my STBXH. I feel that it keeps me stuck when I keep rehashing my hurt over and over. It is what it is and I can not change him in anyway. I can just change my focus. It has been really hard to not talk about him and I have backslid a couple of times, but I know in time that too will get easier. It is part of my detox program - no contact except about S, no talking about him and stopping thoughts about him when they come up. I will let you know how that works out for me. Hopefully my withdrawl isnt so bad. I feel I have been preparing for this moment all summer long, and now is the true test. I will fall and that is ok, because I will also get right back up. Thank you all for checking on me.