Ohhh..what a day. Soooo...after the last text I got from H I thought we we're both cool with eachother. I was WRONG.
So out of the blue I get a text today stating he went to the bank to take his name of my account and then went on to say that after he thought about things he didn't think I was being sincere about working with him on visitation with D and that I was probably just "blowing smoke". Also said he doesn't think I care about anyone's feelings but my own and that I spend no time thinking about what he is going through. He then goes on to say that he turned the job down (it was weekends off and he's never had that) and that he will just wait till our D is 18 to have a normal life. Well, let me just say that after all the thought I put into the email I sent to him letting him know I was happy for his new job and that I would work with him getting this text from him was like a punch in the gut. I can never catch a break with this guy! Sooooooooo....I texted him back and said that the words in the email were as sincere as a person can get, but that he always things the worst of my motives so why should this be any different...ended it with I'm tired of defending myself to you. He responds saying he didn't mean to piss me off and he will try and be better about it in the future. Well by now I'M REALLY PISSED AND HURT! So, I respond with "no you won't" He then says I thinks we need a cease fire, but I've had it so I call him and flip my lid.
I totally went off and let out everything I had been thinking since February when we started having problems. Told him he had hurt my feelings for the last time and that if what he wanted was for me to hate him...he got his wish. I told him that he wasn't the man I thought he was and that if it weren't for our D I truly wish I had never met him. I told him that I thought he was a self centered bastard that didn't give a crap about anyone but himself and that I wish I never had to talk to him again. Sooooooo...he starts saying in a very low voice that he had written a letter to me, but it didn't matter now. I asked him "what letter"...he says his counselor told him he should write a letter to me telling me what he appreciated about me so he had been working on it. I tell him...well it must be a short letter because you don't appreciate anything about me...all you do is try to blame everything on me and make me feel like a bad person. He says "I know". I about fell over! So then I said what the hell would your counselor tell you to write a letter like that for? He says so he could focus on the good in me and get rid of the anger, but it doesn't matter now. I tell him he's right...all I want is a family and happiness so I'm moving on and I'm going to find someone that knows what commitment means and will truly stick around when the going gets tough and do whatever it takes to make things work. I then reference that I think it's great that all of the sudden he has five years worth of patience in him to wait till D is 18 to have a "normal" life...too bad he didn't have any patience when I was begging him to work on our marriage. I ask him...what was it that you had to get to that you couldn't take a few months and go to counseling. He is silent at this point which is really weird since in the last 7 months anytime a subject came up he didn't like he would hang up on me or be very mean and say he had to go....so I'm kinda flabbergasted that he's still on the phone being very docile. Well right then my D comes home and I tell him I have to go so I hang up.
I write him an email telling him I am sorry for the outburst but it was something I had bottled up for a long time while I was trying to act like a "good girl" but I couldn't hold it in anymore. I went on to say I was sorry for holding on for so long...that it was hard for him and pointless for me since nothing I could have done or said was going to change his mind about our R. I end with no one can say I give up easy
I then say it's time for us both to be happy and move on with our lives and I wish him the best.
About 1 hour after sending it the phone rings and it's him. He says...I called to tell you I'm sorry for hurting your feelings. I thank him and tell him I was sorry for yelling. He responds with "well I probably had it coming". He then says he just wanted to say sorry and that he has to get up early to go to work. I say goodbye.
I text him and say I wish he would take the new job so he could have weekends off. He responds saying it's too late he turned it down. I say "sorry"...he texts back "everything happens for a reason!".
Wow!!! I think your H is doing some hard thinking!!! That's very positive. I think you have to truly search your soul and decide if you are done or if you think there's a chance. So, which is it? Have you truly decided? If not, don't tell him you have.
I know in my sitch that if my H thinks I've moved on completely, anything he might have wanted to say, he never would. He's got too much pride for that. If I leave the door open a little, and he comes around, he'll let me know. But, if he senses the door is truly closed...he won't even knock on it.
Whatever you've been doing for the past few weeks seems to be working. If you think there might be a chance that you would want to save this thing, pick yourself up, dust yourself off, and get back in the saddle. I'm not suggesting that you stop moving forward (I've gotten kind of stuck in my sitch...kind of wrapped up in this game I'm playing, and I'm not moving forward like I should be). I'm just thinking that maybe you shouldn't be pushing quite so hard to close that door. You can explore what's on the other side without completely locking him out.
Thanks for visiting me. I've been really down this past week and 1/2, but I'm feeling better today!!!
Hang in there. You will be fine whatever the outcome.
Amy
Me 39 H 36 S 7 S 4 T 15 M 12 H out 8/1/08 OW confirmed 8/6/08 D final on 6/12/09...I'm doing good!
he didn't think I was being sincere about working with him on visitation with D and that I was probably just "blowing smoke".
My first thought when I read this was it was a test. He wanted to see what you would say. In sales, it's a good thing when someone says "I would buy, except____" The person is actually *thinking* about buying, because they have "reasons" not to. If those objections can be addressed and removed, they will probably buy. When someone straightout doesn't want something, they just say they don't want it. period.
Quote:
I spend no time thinking about what he is going through.
is he wrong? I mean, I don't really empathize with my H because I feel like this is HIS choice. That it's all being done TO me. I'm not saying you should be expected to be seeing it from his perspective, but, do you reallly consider his feelings? Was he really wrong in saying that?
I'll suffice it to say that I was shaking my head when he tried to de-escalate and you kept after him. HOWEVER- in your case, I think it may have worked. It could be that your H "sensed" that you were walking on eggshells and thus, figured it was just an act and fake, and if he took the risk to reconcile, it would just go back to how it was. Actually saying how you feel was probably a relief for both. Being passionate was probably different than lately too.
There were times when I would finally pop a cork on my H and he would be THRILLED. Normally I am considerate of what I say and how I say it, but occassionally he would just push me too far and I would just let him have it. He would grin from ear to ear and say "keep going". (Disclaimer: this approach only works when he is in 'certain moods'. Otherwise, not so much.)
Don't fall prey to this "I had a letter" thing. I mean, it could be true, but that was so transparent on his par. I have read over and over about WASs that say to the LBS "I was thinking of getting back together with you, but since you just did XYZ, I won't." WAS have a heck of a time taking responsibility for the hurt they are causing. They are only doing it because YOU *made* them do it. So, don't pick up that ball.
Validate how your H *feels*. Because he DOES feel that way. Feelings aren't to be argued about. Try to listen to what his objections are and if they are things you can fix, say as much AND demonstrate as much.
I agree with Amy M; maybe don't be so fast to try to shut the door. OTOH, lots of WASs don't turn around until they see that the LBS is moving forward with their life...
Me-43 H-46 M 12 yrs 7/09 T 15 2 grown kids bomb 7/05/07 H moved out 8/04/07 11/22/09 told him I quit;let's get ball rolling Mid Dec- he isn't sure he wants D End 2/2010-Starting to consider piecing
Yes...he is totally wrong about me not thinking about his feelings...since things started going south in February all I've done is validate his feelings. Even when he moved out in June I told him I understood why he would think this was his only choice and that I realized my actions had made him feel unloved and unwanted. I have spent the last 7 months accepting complete responsibility for every failure in our R and I had finally had enough. Strangely enough I guess telling him what I thought and feel became a 180 for me. No?
About the door being closed....nothing is ever final, but I just don't see any hope for us.
At the risk of undoing the detachment (and thus reversing what I am about to say) I have seen many reconciliations AFTER the LBS gives up and drops the rope. Abbey and Minkerman come to mind..SallyM..You might want to check out their threads.
Me-43 H-46 M 12 yrs 7/09 T 15 2 grown kids bomb 7/05/07 H moved out 8/04/07 11/22/09 told him I quit;let's get ball rolling Mid Dec- he isn't sure he wants D End 2/2010-Starting to consider piecing
And, that is precisely what I'm doing wrong. I'm having a full on A with my H. Hard to detach there...I don't think any of us have all the answers. But, it's been awesome to come here and get support and advice (even if it's not always what you want to hear or even always applicable in your sitch!).
CW, you are doing fine. I'd say, if it hurts less, it can't be bad, right? But, without knowing your H and taking into consideration that we can't believe anything he says, I thought he might be having some deeper thoughts. I guess if the door's still open a little, I'd feel the need to let him know that. Just so his pride doesn't get in the way of a possibly great reconciliation!
Just my 2 cents!!! But, what do I really know? I think I may be totally crazy!!!
Amy
Me 39 H 36 S 7 S 4 T 15 M 12 H out 8/1/08 OW confirmed 8/6/08 D final on 6/12/09...I'm doing good!
Disclaimer: I am NOT practicing what I am about to preach
Minkerman and his wife were hanging out; but she still seemed to want a divorce (or at least to prolong the separation). He got fed up and said "fine. I'm done." She called the next day to get back together.
Abbey gave up. There is some big thing happening that she isn't disclosing, but her main point over and over is that she had really given up. Her H is wanting to find a way to reconcile.
SallyM- Her H was with an OW, kinda dawdled when it came to getting papers filed. Finally she stopped fighting him; figured that she was headed for divorce and she would be okay. (In other words, dropped the rope). H did an about face.
I think it depends on HOW you say the door is ajar. If it is couched with "if I you pull your head out of your rear and I happen to be available, I *might* talk to you" then maybe. I think the WAS needs to actually WORK to come back. And if that means eating some crow, then good. NikB is the perfect example of being too available initially. (Per her Husband).
And yes, I know I need to take my own advice. Just not to that point emotionally.
Me-43 H-46 M 12 yrs 7/09 T 15 2 grown kids bomb 7/05/07 H moved out 8/04/07 11/22/09 told him I quit;let's get ball rolling Mid Dec- he isn't sure he wants D End 2/2010-Starting to consider piecing
All good points. I don't know what my H is thinking. Part of me thinks he is relieved that I basically "let him go" so he feels like he can be nicer without worrying he is giving me false hope. I'm just so tired of this arrangement and I'm not getting any younger...I don't want to spend any more time wasted and being alone and sad. That doesn't mean I'm gonna jump the next man that comes along, but I think I need to stop focusing on reconciliation with husband....it clouds my judgement and makes everything in life less enjoyable.
I can say that it IS interesting to me that the first time in 8 months that he's been civil to me was after I ripped him a new one...what's up with that? Also, what's up with the letter his counselor told him he should write so he could "focus on the good in me and get rid of his anger"? Must be some exercise in preparing yourself for moving on??? Who knows.
Also, what's up with the letter his counselor told him he should write so he could "focus on the good in me and get rid of his anger"? Must be some exercise in preparing yourself for moving on??? Who knows.
Right - who knows? But if I may take a stab at it, I would think it's a step towards forgiveness.
"...get rid of his anger." - That says there are things troubling him. Issues that he was or is upset about.
Living with anger, bitterness, and resentment is good for no one. Seems to me that this is an exercise to help your H move past all that. To let it go. To forgive. And what better way to achieve this than to focus on and appreciate the positive and good in others. Especially those one might feel who's actions/words were the source of their built-up resentments and frustrations. If you can manage to feel anything positive towards someone you've been angry with, it's easier to feel empathy for them. It's easier to move away from the anger and move closer to forgiving. It helps make it easier to move towards internal happiness.
(((CW)))
Getting over a painful experience is much like crossing monkey bars. You have to let go at some point in order to move forward. ~ Joseph Campbell
Well...didn't hear from him at all yesterday. Today he called me at my work to tell me he is interviewing for another job, but if he gets it his days off will change frequently and he wanted to know if I was okay with it. I told him it will be no problem at all...I will work with him so he can have D when he has his days off whenever they are. He also wanted to make sure I got the paper he left for me to get his name off my bank account. It was a pleasant conversation. Couple days have passed since our blow up and in a way I'm curious about the letter he was writing though I don't think he will send it to me now. Oh well, everything happens for a reason. I seem to be saying that a lot lately.
