Chi Omega Sorority - Don't have a date by eight try Omega.
M22,H45,W45 S21/18D12 Retain faith that you will prevail in the end, regardless of the difficulties and at the same time confront the most brutal facts of your current reality, whatever they might be.
Things sound good, as always. I would like to point out that when she was talking about how you and her would have each other to do those things with, I doubt she was confused about what she was saying. How bout for the sake of argument you just assume you are not separating or divorcing.
I think your party experiment was fine. Isn't that what we are supposed to do...change things up and monitor for results?
One thing, and it's probably just my crazy maker, but have you ever thought that she's just playing this "separating and divorcing" thing because she likes how you've become and is afraid you'll be the old you if she doesn't keep you worried? I do. Is this her DBing you? She dropped bomb, got positive result, saw babysteps, so intermittently re-drops bomb to keep you being a good husband?
You cannot be lonely if you like the person you're alone with. Dr. Wayne Dyer
I love what Forrest writes. He helps ME see your sitch even more clearly. Interesting that so much of what the two of us have to say seems synchronized.
Yes...as Forrest says, though..one has a stubby pencil. Can you guess which one?
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My question for you about this weekend...
Is this enough to feed your soul as you continue on through this rebuilding of a marriage?
Because, make no mistake, you are NOT busting a divorce anymore.
You are rebuilding a marriage.
Ala "The Six Million Dollar Man"...better, stronger, faster.
You know I want to believe that, but until I hear it from her, how can I. All I have to go on is a few words, her actions and the fact that she is not pushing to have me out of the house or has not left herself.
I know these are the things that you guys remind me all the time are the positives I am looking for, but will the commitment from her ever come, or do I continue the rebuild without her commitment...which is what I have been doing all along....make the assumption???
These are slips and backslides, these words I here from her once in a while...the hugs, kisses and affection that come during these wonderful days and evenings that we have. Then the slides back?...taking off and not telling me where she is going, the "me" and "I" instead of the "we" and "us" when there is talk of the future. The partying and ML in the evening and barely a kiss on the cheek when I leave for work in the morning??
Where is the consistency and the commitment from her? Yesterday when she said all that mattered was that we could enjoy the things we like together. Does she even remember saying it?
I am not being negative, and by no means am I overlooking what I have heard or seen from her. I am there....I feel it and I see it...there was something different about her for the last few weeks, and if I am to believe the process, I should understand that there will be a backing off at times.
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Are your changes for real? Do you feel them to your core, are they a part of every breath you take? Do you still feel the absolute anguish at how close you came to losing her? Is it vivid enough to make you run in the opposite direction from your old ways?
Yes, enough that reading those words brings tears to my eyes. I only wish I could be as certain as you when you say "how close I CAME to losing her".....I want to know that I have not lost her, and yes....still willing to "do work".
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Put away the neediness and the doubt. Continue to let loose the reigns of control that you used to exercise, which kept her bound in a life she did NOT want. Through your actions, show her each day how blessed you feel for still having her in your life. Continue to find great satisfaction in sharing HER interests, even when they don't coincide with yours.
Things sound good, as always. I would like to point out that when she was talking about how you and her would have each other to do those things with, I doubt she was confused about what she was saying. How bout for the sake of argument you just assume you are not separating or divorcing.
I think your party experiment was fine. Isn't that what we are supposed to do...change things up and monitor for results?
One thing, and it's probably just my crazy maker, but have you ever thought that she's just playing this "separating and divorcing" thing because she likes how you've become and is afraid you'll be the old you if she doesn't keep you worried? I do. Is this her DBing you? She dropped bomb, got positive result, saw babysteps, so intermittently re-drops bomb to keep you being a good husband?
I suppose anything is possible, but I just don't get that from her...the "keeping me on my toes" theory. Sometimes I feel just the opposite....like she would be just as content if I went back to the way I was and she could get it over with, maybe?? I don't know...LOL.
Wouldn't it be crazy if she really was DBing me, had read the book and all that? I can say for sure she is not on here, but who knows what other outside influence there may be.
I would always assume the worst, but is there someone close actually pushing her in the other direction...the best friend? She told me one time that she would never work against me and that if I promised her this was all for real that she would want nothing more than to see us together.
How bout for the sake of argument you just assume you are not separating or divorcing.
THAT is where I need to be to get past all this drama I go through in my mind....getting better...not there yet, as I am sure you have read.
Oh, how the late nights at work drag when the daylight starts to dwindle....and there is nothing to do.
Just a couple more notes.....had been planning another camping trip that W and D had both shown interest in. D is having trouble getting the time off, and W who showed some interest early on was balking because she would need to take another day off from work. I understand really, as her and D are going to a concert the week before and both will miss a day. Either way, I had planned on going, alone again or since there is more time asking someone else to come along....had a couple of options.
But.....fast forward to the birthday party on Saturday. Wife had told her brother about me going alone last time and he said if I ever wanted to go call him...and then her uncle spoke up, and then a couple we have been out with in years. Next thing you know, we have 6 or 8 people all wanting to come along on the weekend I had planned.
Does wife want to come along now? Of course, and that ticked me off a bit, and I busted her chops about that a little that night. She was going to back out on me, but now it sounds like a good idea to her?
Oh well, not another word. She actually thought of another couple to ask along, and sounds excited about it.
Should be a great time, if not a little crazy with the group that is going. The weather could go either way, so that will be interesting, and I am hoping at least a few carry through and they were not just blowing smoke at the party.
I figure it will be another couple of weeks of talking, planning and looking forward to something for me and W, and although we have been camping together ourselves, never with any of these guys......another chance for her to see how I have changed in my interactions with other people, and once again, to see just how "different" we are from the couples that we know.
Our camping is just like the dinners and crazy stuff we do at home....good food, good drink...music, fun and fire....no hot dogs and light beer for us.
Nice quiet evening at home last night...W is really becoming quite the football fan and by the time I got home from work was watching the Monday night game, so I sat with her and watched. I am starting to actually get my interest up, and I think she enjoys the fact that she is more up on the game and the teams than me. Of course I play dumb and ask as many questions as I can.
Went out of town to do a little shopping this morning and was going to end up home around lunch time, so I texted W to see if she wanted lunch from this little place we like..."sounds good", I got..."you pick something for me, you know what I like".
Dropped of her lunch and when I got home she sent me a text about the camping trip...she said she was unable to change her schedule for that weekend, but "that doesn't mean you can't go..have a guys weekend..have fun".
I told her I was disappointed..."bummed, that sucks", and she got on her cell and called me to apologize. She had not looked at her schedule when we first talked about it and now realized it was too much to change.....but, just maybe. She said "let's get hold of everyone today and make sure we still have a group and I will figure something out.."I really want to go if I can".
"She said "let's get hold of everyone today and make sure we still have a group and I will figure something out.."I really want to go if I can"."
Things that make you go Hmmmmmm.
She wanted to make sure there were other couples? Did not want to end up alone with me? Did not want me to go alone? What?? That did not make me go Hmmmmmmmm....thought I wasn't supposed to be over ANALyzing???
Did I beat Bill?
Maybe I should say it anyway!!
I agree with Bill.
Go Lucky Cricket!!
Thanks for the update! I do enjoy out little chats.
Sincerely,
Mr. Miyagi
I didn't think anyone would have a response to that....I was just journaling.....but, you beat Bill....winnah!!!
Sometimes I think you're a real "glass is half empty" kind of guy.
She calls to apologize. She says "I'd really like to go."
And of course you assume it means because she wants to enjoy your friends, that it couldn't have anything to do with you.
Then, in a couple weeks, you'll be relating the camping trip, talking about how she kept seeking you out all weekend, how she wouldn't stay far from your side.
Life is all about perspective. And how you let that perspective AFFECT you.
If you're only going to see positives and admit they are positives AFTER she tells you that she doesn't want you to leave, we might be in for a long haul.
I'm thinking she LIKES the man that has emerged from the flame.
She might even be afraid to release him from the flames, for fear the old man returns.
Bill
"Don't tell me the sky is the limit when there are footprints on the moon."
Things sound good, as always. I would like to point out that when she was talking about how you and her would have each other to do those things with, I doubt she was confused about what she was saying. How bout for the sake of argument you just assume you are not separating or divorcing.
Bill says....
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Because, make no mistake, you are NOT busting a divorce anymore. You are rebuilding a marriage. Ala "The Six Million Dollar Man"...better, stronger, faster.
Forrest says...
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I agree with Bill.
Could you guys maybe get her to let me in on the secret???
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Sometimes I think you're a real "glass is half empty" kind of guy. She calls to apologize. She says "I'd really like to go." And of course you assume it means because she wants to enjoy your friends, that it couldn't have anything to do with you. Then, in a couple weeks, you'll be relating the camping trip, talking about how she kept seeking you out all weekend, how she wouldn't stay far from your side.
That felt a little like a....maybe not a 2x4, but a slap in the back of the head??? Point taken....I feel good today...positive....not going to dwell.
Trip is on. She changed her schedule and is making a 4 hour round trip home from the site just to take care of one appointment...she is amazing. Who cares why she did it, as long as she is going to be there.
Last night was a nice night...just to journal a bit.
We skipped dinner because we both had the late lunch that I brought to work for her...took the dog outside for a run together, and settled in to relax.
She was reading and I was doing some paperwork....there was still the makings for margaritas from "Football Sunday" so I made us a drink....just one, then we both decide we were hungry. We ended up in the kitchen together making a snack and then went in to watch a movie...her in the chair, me on the couch.
After a while I asked her to come over and sit by me, which she did.
Now, I will point out the positive. As I lay on my back she came over to lay with her back to me so I could rub her back and shoulders.
I have not felt her melt into my arms like that in years, let alone the last few months since the bomb with all the crazy partying and such. It just felt like she could not get herself close enough to me and turned her head several time to kiss me. With all the escapades over the months, she has never even just laid by me much like that just to be close and relax.
My goal was to leave it at that...be close and relaxed and not let it go any further, but she would not let me.
Afterwards in bed, she told me how much she had enjoyed herself and that it was nice that it was still early and that we were not drunk...nice change, she said.."very nice"....and I rubbed her back until she fell asleep.
It's days like yesterday that make it easier to get through the distant times, but even with all I see and what you guys say...it's hard. I know I have it pretty easy compared to most....just hate the thought of getting comfortable with the thought that she is moving forward, and then getting bombed again.
