OK, my 2nd step looks like his needs/wants are sleep, food, wine or beer, TV and apparently "a body" in the room with him and in the bed with him.
Perhaps I should have clarified more in that post, but when I was talking about "needs," I was really referring to relationship needs: ways in which you and your spouse feel loved (love needs), ways in which you and your spouse are turned on sexually by each other (sex needs).
For a discussion of "love needs," I refer folks to read John Gray's Men are Mars, Women are from Venus. In a nutshell, women tend to feel loved when they feel respected, supported (cared for), and most of all CHERISHED by their husband. Men tend to feel loved when they feel appreciated, accepted (unconditionally), and most of all ADMIRED by their wife.
For a discussion of "sex needs," I refer folks to read Barbara and Gary Rosberg's The 5 Sex Needs of Men and Women. A lot of this has to do with maintaining a high level of emotinal intimacy in the relationship: sharing feelings & emotions, connecting as best friends, affirming your love and attraction to each other -- these are the things that women generally desire more of from their husband. To that add a strong layer of physical inimacy: non-sexual touch, sexual playfulness and shows of affection, initiation of sex by both partners, and responsiveness and attentiveness to each other in the bedroom -- these are the things that men generally desire more of from their wives.
The main point is that men and women have very different (but often complimentary) needs in a relationship. You cannot treat your spouse in the way that YOU would want to be treated and expect them to be happy -- it doesn't work. For example, while a woman can feel loved by her husband if he does things around the house, helps with cooking and cleaning, helps out with the kids, does the yard-work, and so on, this does not work for a man. He feels "mothered," but not LOVED in the heart-to-heart romantic sense. So yes, he may appreciate the 'motherly love' that you show for him in caring for him, he won't feel loved in the same way that you would by those actions.
As I said above, men feel loved when then feel needed. Appreciated. Accepted for who they are (without conditions), and most of all Admired. So I would ask you ladies:
* when was the last time you complimented his looks or some personality trait?
* when was the last time you expressed appreciation for something that he did for you, -without- pointing out how he could have done it better.
In the same way that women tend to thrive on expressions of Affirmation, men tend to thrive on expressions of Appreciation. It may feel awkward for a man to regularly affirm how lovely, sexy, capable, etc. his wife is to him, but she needs to hear it. It may likewise feel awkward for a woman to regularly express her appreciation for the support and caring she gets from her husband, but he needs to hear it, also.
Give it a try,
-- B.
Me 50, W 45, M for 26 yrs S25, D23, S13, S10 20+ year SSM; recovery began Oct 2007
