Please help me to not give up............

[grant]

Well, just journaling again.

Had a weekend visit at home and had some friendly honest conversations with my W.
I had been thinking about GFI's suggestion about "leaking" some of my attitudes on this board to my wife. I had been avoiding R talks in my visits our calls home, and latgely acting "as if". But I was really struggling on Sunday, doing "family tasks" around the home together. Just for a moment, it almost felt like a normal Sunday, and then I was suddenly overwhelmed with grief and sadness again.

She said she was sorry to see me so upset, and offered to leave in future times when I'd come to visit the boys. This lead to a long chat about things, not in a confrontational or bitter way, but with a warmth and honesty.
She talked a little about her R with OM, and I do believe that they are not in an affair in the adulterous sense.

I wondered PDT, if you thought that it made a difference in the case of an EA.
My guess is that you would probably have a similar approach to those with PA's

I do feel desperately low at the moment. This is largely due to my lack of success in the gal department. I still suffer from way too much preoccupation with my R and M, and what I might be doing better to improve things.

I had been focusing on friendship, and because I'm not there much, I know that's going to take time. But in fact, we still do very much have that friendship there, and I think we have moved that on a great deal by working on things individually over the past months.

She says she has forgiven me for the things that I have done. There is little bitterness in her attitude toward me when we are together. It's like she's really almost at peace with the end of our M, and is just tying up emotional "loose ends".

I did tell her that I believed she would not truly experience her new status until she lived completely independently financially from me. She agreed and told me that it did scare her, but is ready to take that step if it's necessary.

For her, my weekend visits are not so far removed from our old life, when I'd work away and then come home on a friday. She said that having me there was like still having her best friend there, and we still had a glass of wine and a chat together. I guess she was saying that she wouldn't really know if she missed our marriage and R until I was really removed from it.

So, it looks like I'm going to have to go "dim" or "darker" or something.......

It's clearly that, or to have to consider filing myself. I still can't quite reconcile that with Michelle's attitude toward this. Although I think it's more about the LBS getting to the point that the pain and rejection, the unrequited love, becomes so unbearable that something has to change.

I don't know whether 6 months is long enough. My W certainly doesn't think that 6 months is long enough to decide whether you divorce or not. I almost wanted to give her the DR book, but I know that would probably not be helpful, even though she's now aware of my participation here.

In any case, I know it's not about 6 months or a year, or whatever. It's about when I decide I can't do this anymore.

My biggest fear, is the feeling that I am watching some predestined scene unfold before me, and that I might miss some opportunity to somehow alter the final outcome. I really want to do the right thing.....

Guess I'm back where I started with the "please help me to not give up" thread. lol

All thoughts greatly appreciated.

Grant