All I can really do is show that I can give space and be supportive and not clingy. Tall order.
EXACTLY!!! It is hard ohhhh so hard but I know you can do it!!! Look how good you did validating him thru the texts last night. I know it's not really what you wanted to say but you we don't want to scare away our guys with what we are really thinking!! LoL.
I for one think you did a great job last night! That can NOT have been easy!
The one thing that I noticed from your post was your big concern about life on the military base. I know this is easier said than done, but PLEASE try not to focus on this. Remember that what you focus on expands...Please try to act "as-if" your H is not going to participate in anything bad for himself or for the M. It will not do you any good to think otherwise. I am not sure what your beliefs are, but would it really matter to you that much if he were having too much to drink with the guys on a regular basis? My guess is that if he feels the freedom to do things like this, he will not feel the need to take it further. My H has told me he will not date/sleep with other women even though he has been a real a$$ about almost everything else. That said, on a few occasions I mentioned to him that he was not single and he got really annoyed. I know that if I were to keep doing this this would be the one way to PUSH him to start sleeping/dating around.
You will have to maintain your cool. My guess is also that married life is going to look a lot more appealing after months spent with other men.
Do you know for sure that he is leaving? When will you find out if and when?
DB like crazy until that point! You are on the right path now...
ITH
Me:34 H:36 M:5 years T: 8 years Bomb: 07/17/08 I want to be separated for 6 months--I don't know what I want the outcome to be S 07/28/08-11/08/08 Living together ~7 months D Possibly busted?!?!!!
I know. I would just feel so much better if there was some sort of guarentee. I told him this last night I said I need stability so I don't feel like the world is going to come crashing down on my at any given moment. He said he doesn't have any stability to offer. I said I know and that I think the only way either of us will is if we stick together. He said maybe. I suggested that when he got home maybe we could work out an agreement to live together for a certain amount of time (like 6 months) and go to counseling as I see this as the only way of ever knowing whether or not we can work this out. He said he would have to think about that. So at least he did not say no. I also know that was probably pushing things too far but I really don't see how I will survive another long distance separation if there is not plan in place for when it is over. Like if I knew he was going to be gone for a month or so but that when he got home he would move back in with me I could let him go and not feel like having a panic attack because I know that once we move back in together we will have a much much higher chance of working these things out because we will be around each other all the time and I can really show him that I have changed my attitude about things like his time with friends and letting him have alone time and that we can find ways to deal with conflict without arguing.
So I am back to my goals now. I need to find that second job, move out on my own, and work on my writing. I also want to work out to loose some weight. So today is GAL day for me. Or else! Lol.
Seriously though if he does leave soon and is gone for a month or whatever that would give me time to get my own place and get settled and then when he comes home it might be a lot easier for him to settle in with me because the choice would be moving back where he is now (which may or may not be an option) or staying with me. If I can DB my butt off between now and then it seems he would most likely choose living with me. Especially if I can loose 20 pounds between now and then Lol. Just kidding!
I just need to make my DB plan, obviously going dark does not work for me and really does not do anything for our relationship so I am not going down that road again. I will be dim for now and work on my own life but still contact him from time to time.
So now that contact has been reestablished my new R goal is to see each other again, like go on a date, he said he wants to sort out his army stuff first so he is in control of that goal but I can help move things along by being fun and upbeat when we do have communication and by keeping him involved in my life. Eventually he will want to see me. He does still love me (no he did not say that but it is implied at the moment by his actions) and it is only a matter of time and effort on my part before he will want to plan a day together again.
So here I am. . .back to the waiting and watching game.
You are right about focusin on that and acting as if. I do need to let him know that I trust him to make good choices while he is gone and then most likely he will. I do not really want him drinking at all but he would never go along with that. One HUGE argument we had while he was gone the first time was about him going to a club and dancing with other people. He said it was not with anyone in particular but it made me sick to even think of him dancing with a group of random girls. Ugh! He still does not think there is anything wrong with that so we will see. I guess the less I know the better at this point. I will probably mention this before he goes but he really should already know where I stand. We will wait and see.
I do not know when he is leaving, neither does he. He said he is hoping to leave in the next few weeks. Whether that happens or not is uncertain. He has been wanting to go for awhile now but it is a matter of getting permission and sorting things out. So we should know more in the next week or two. Then again it could unravel overnight. You just never know with the military. I am proud to be an army wife and yet sometimes it makes me crazy!
My IC appointment has been made. It will be next Thursday. I mentioned it to my hubby and he said he would try to make his list by then. So that is a good thing. I hope that it will get him thinking about things. I know he will probably not do his IC since he is still waiting to see what is happening with the army. Oh well. I'll wait it out and see what happens in the next couple of days.
Well I got a few applications done today. Not super impressive but it's a start. I think I got 85% of my to do list accomplished today. So not too bad considering I just wanted to stay in bed today. Hubby and I did talk a bit more today. I was kinda poking around to try and find out what is going on with this whole army thing. He really does not have much information that he did not have last week. I don't know why he made it seem like he is leaving soon, as far as I can tell nothing has changed since the last time we talked.
Oh well. I did push things too far and he said I was nagging. I said I was sorry and then dropped it. A while later I was reading Mars/Venus and was reading about how questioning and offering advice can seem like mistrust. So I was like DUH! And wrote him
"I trust that you will get it all worked out I would just feel better if it didn't affect our relationship because I miss spending time with you. But I don't want to nag so I won't talk about it anymore and will try to be patient while you get stuff sorted out"
He said "thank you"
Which may not seem like a big deal but it is! This is communicating like we never have before. I think that having these type of conversations via text has been amazingly helpful because it forces me to slow down and think about every word I say rather than just shooting my mouth off, which I know! I would have done multiple times during the conversation if we had been talking on the phone or in person. We are finally learning how to tackle these big issues with respect and calmness. It's pretty amazing.
I really am going to stop pushing now. I promise.
I wrote back "Anytime tootsie pop" and have not said anything since! God knows I want to. I wish he was here so I could kiss him and hold him but I am keeping my word to him. Patience!
Well tonight my friend called and we made plans to hang out tomorrow and then she is going to go to church with me so that's cool. I got another day all booked out. I honestly don't have time to see hubby right now even if he wanted to get together. Sad but true. Work and appointments are in the way right now. Which is good and bad. Good because it is forcing me to GAL and bad because I miss hubby.
He said I was nagging and yes it stung at first but I resisted the STRONG urge to say something nasty like "if you would just pay attention to me I wouldn't need to nag!" lol.
So it was actually really good that he felt comfortable to say that. He said "It is nagging and it is not helping me"
Which I think is a sign of maturity. He can say what he is feeling and that it is not helping him. So I said Sorry and shut my "mouth"
It felt good. But now I am backing away. Dimness.
I will probably need to talk to him tomorrow because he needs to sign a release from our MC so that our C can talk to my new IC and give her the scoop about us.
We shall see. I just know I feel a million times better now that we are talking again.
FYI when I texted him last night for the first time he texted a reply less than two seconds later.
Wooooo Jen you hit that one!! My H sure did complain that I nagged too much...so now I am mum about EVERYTHING and I do see him testing the buttons with some of his comments but no smart a@@ remarks from this chickie anymore!!!
Daisy I am so glad you are doing good with the GAL!! You are doing great and keep it up.
I'm still struggling with it but tomorrow should be easy. BFF in the morning, different friends in the afternoon, and church. I hope I get a second job soon so I can move out. That would be a huge GAL step! I'm so excited for that day!
Not that I mind living with my parents I just miss having my own space!
I am also thinking of joining. . .or at least trying Weight Watchers to try and get rid of some of this poundage. I am not doing well on my own because I am not accountable to anyone as far as exercise goes. If I knew I would have to face the scale each week I might do better! Lol.
What do you guys think though about us? Like does it still seem positive to you? I hate that he does not want to see me. . .or at least is too far in his cave to see that he wants to see me. Wow. That was confusing.
Lol. Just kidding!
