H moving out!! Crisis I need help

[TxMomw/2girls]

Hi this is my first post and I don't know where to begin. I posted under newcomer but thought I'd post here too...

Four weeks ago my H told me he was unhappy and didn't think he loved me anymore and wanted out of the marriage. Never did I see the signs of him being unhappy. We just had our second baby in April. He agreed to go to counseling although not a fan. Our marriage therapist works off Michelle's DB'ing principals so I bought the book.

I found out that my H is in an emotional and physical affair with a girl 15 yrs younger than he is and it has been going on for about 2 months. He couldn't commit to ending it with her to work on "us" but was going to go to a few counseling sessions. He stayed in the house the past 4 weeks but the last week I was catching him in lies, calling her, text her etc. I can't have him in the house anymore while he is in a full on affair. As our counselor said - no room for three!!

I also never did the beg and plea thing b/c I had read DB and "Love must be Tough" books... I didn't want him to feel trapped. I just tried to encourage counseling.

As of this past weekend he has decided to separate and move out and we are seeing Lawyers this week. He is walking out and ultimately wants a divorce. He doesn't believe people can change, he says he has been unhappy for awhile now, he says it has nothing to do with the OW, which I know she isn't the cause of his unhappiness but she is now part of the problem as I don't think my husband would leave me and our girls without trying to work on the marriage if she wasn't in the picture.

He is going to try to stay with friends but I'm sure he'll be staying with her some too - so he isn't getting his own apartment yet but I'm sure this is the next thing.

The counselor has determine he is depressed and has had some of these negative issues probably off and on his whole life. My H is in denial and doesn't want to and isn't ready to look at himself yet. We moved into a new house a year ago, got pregnant with our second child right after we moved, he started the affair right after she was born and he is turning 40 in 3 weeks.

He is one of those guys if he moves out he won't look back... he has had no remorse, no guilt, and I don't even know the man I'm looking at today as the same man I've been with for the past 10 yrs.

I feel like it is too late to save, don't know what is left to do. Do I put on the happy face, fake it, and try to be nice? I've never been the insecure type, we both work and have good jobs, we both have our own hobbies and friends. I thought we balanced each other out... marriage was forever - so I thought.

I'm at a loss, I'm in this nightmare and this will be the hardest journey I've ever embarked on...

Please for anyone that has had success with a spouse who thinks it is over, doesn't want to work on marriage , seeing OW and can give me hope please do....



M 7yrs
T 10yrs
H 40yr old
M 38yrs
2 girls; 3.5yrs & 4 months
Bomb 8/22/08
OW/EA- 8/23/08
Moving out 9/22/08
_________________________

[whatdidido]

He, ultimately will have to decide to leave her and come to you. Make him see what he will lose...does he realize how this affects the family? Probably not....He is in the "affair fog" that clouds all of his thoughts. He is not thinking rationally. There are many things you can do. You can do 180s and "Get a life" by doing things that make you happy which ultimately makes you more attractive to him. You COULD expose the affair to make reality hit him rather than the fantasy he is in right now. You could go totally dark on him and let him spend this time with this 25 year old so he sees what he has gotten himself into, meanwhile you are out on your own having the life he thought he didn't want.

I'm so sorry you are dealing with this. You have such young children.

[hope3343]

Hi TxMom, I am sorry I cannot give you a success story but I am in the same boat and feel your hurt and pain. My H is moving the end of this month. He is not happy and in A with OW from work (she works for him). Don't mind read your spouse and remember a 25 year old OW will lose interest quickly especially with his future baggage. My H is also a stranger right now. I am taking one day at a time. Claims he was never happy in all 21 years now. People keep telling me this is normal. They are in full blown MLC. Follow some of the threads ...it really helps.

[SunnySeason]

Although I haven't had what could be called success with my spouse who has OW & doesn't want to work on the M, I can tell you that when you read some of the stories on here, you will find that what your H says is almost script.

It sounds like you did well in reading the books & skipping the begging/pleading stage which gives you an advantage.

You're right in that this is a journey & may be one of the most difficult things you've ever been thru, good to be aware of that in the beginning.

You've found a good place here with many people to offer support, encouragement, observations & their hard earned experience.

There are many thing's that you can do & although he may be the type that won't look back, you don't know that, especially when you make changes to yourself.

Right now he's newly under the spell of the affair chemicals & may not be able to see much beyond them.

Take care of yourself & your babies & keep posting & reading here.......There is always hope.

Sunny

[Trying2live]

First thing {{Hugs}}. Coming to the forum is probably one of the best things for support. You will feel at home here. I know this is an extremely hard journey so take of your self so you can take care of the children. Surround your self with those who will uplift you and support you.

I have read a lot and every resource I have gotten my hands on for the most part says although you may not have been perfect in the marriage this is not your fault. Our spouses could have found any opportunity to communicate and take a higher road just as we would have. But this is an addiction.

That's great that you've also read Love Must Be Tough. Someone had sent me something that Dr. Dobson has said that might help with the I haven't been happy for a while thing. He says that the adulterer will re-write the marital history in his mind to justify his actions. So in his mind, he will change or re-write your entire marriage saying that he was not happy for a long time. My husband did it too. I guess we don't have the same memory. It's a very typical remark.

Sorry to say but I bet him leaving has everything to do with him leaving. Don't believe most of what your hearing from your spouse. He's living in fantasy land, so try not to take personal the things he's saying. There may be truth to some of his "issues" but these affairs are like an addiction. They are willing to lose it all over this addiction. I recommend this book: Surviving An Affair by Dr. Willard Harley. The entire book is on Affairs and the addictions of it and has game plans to help your through, where at Divorce Busting is only devoted to a portion of it. This book is an eye opener and it complements the 2 you have read so far.

That's great you are not begging. Keep it up. I know its hard and seem like the wrong thing to do, but it's the right thing to do.
Let the comments of I don't love you anymore, I never loved you, I haven't been happy roll right off your back. It's very typical of all these betraying spouses. Its a way of justification for their actions. It in their mind justifies the right for them to walk out all in the name of I was not happy or what ever excuse it is he is giving.

Take a look at this link: http://www.psychologytoday.com/articles/pto-19930501-000027.html
Its a really interesting article on Infidelity and why they cheat. The depression thing is in the article.

I think your counselor is right, there isn't room for 3.

So Let me ask you a few questions.

Do you know the OW?

Has there been exposure on any level?

The great thing about exposure is it brings them, at least a portion out of fantasy land. I exposed to my H's family, our friends and to the OW fiance as well. More is explained in the book i recommended. There is a "high" to all the sneaking around. Once the sneaking is gone things change.

I understand about not knowing the man your married, believe me! It's very common. I wouldn't give up hope just yet. Enough affairs recover that it's worth the try. Your patience will be tested so be ready. That's where your going to need to concentrate on you and GAL.
Even though you think he may not look back, as with my H as well, but there is always that chance that they may and at least your going to give it an opportunity instead of making a fast decision. They say most affair(quoting the book i recommended) die a natural death between 6-18 months. So don't give up quite yet. IT may not be in your time or how you want it to go each day so one day at a time and focus on getting yourself strong.
I'm going to try to go to my thread and find this technique called reverse babble. Its a way to talk to him when he's around. He needs to think not only is he thinking this through but hey maybe you are too.

[Trying2live]

Ok here's the other stuff that I was given I think may help you.

He says, It's called "reverse babble" I think we can ALL use it when it comes to our spouses. Become indifferent. Example below:
You take their own words and use them against them.

Him: "I didn't think you would forget me so quickly" (for taking pictures down)
You: "Hey, you've moved on with OW. I'm just reflecting your wishes."

Him: "I don't want to be unhappy in a marriage"
You: "Me neither"

OK HE sent me all this info too so I'm gonna share it with ya'll: See below:
There's others that have much better examples, but the idea is to show strength.

Yes, weakness is unattractive, but a man will really react to the idea of losing you.

There was a woman on this board who had a husband who left to live with another woman. The man was cake eating. He'd come home to her twice a week to get a home cooked meal and have SF with the wife. But then he'd go to the OW.

She put up with this for a crazy amount of time.

He responded when she upset the balance and tipped the scales in her favor.

How did she do this?

She started acting like she had a life outside of waiting for him. He came home to get his dinner and she didn't have one made. She was dressed to the nines and acted in a hurry to go because of "plans". What were the plans? Going to the library or meeting some girlfriends, but she didn't tell him that.

So every time he saw her she appeared to be ready to go somewhere and looked like a million, as if she was going on a date. He would ask her what she was doing, she would be vague.

She gave him the very real appearance that she was moving on and he was losing her.

She wasn't out doing anything self destructive such as running around with many men. She did give the illusion that she was dating again or putting herself out there.

She sent herself flowers. She no longer begged him to come home. She appeared to be moving on.

She took control.

This shook him. He realized she wasn't going to wait forever for him and she executed like a champ. I wish I could find her link. It was known on this forum as "The Success Story" and it was very inspirational.

I think guys are more vulnerable to this tactic from betrayed wives than wayward wives are to betrayed husbands.

It's something about being male and losing your mate while out doing your thing and acting like an idiot.

Don't let him blame things on you. This is all his fault. So if he starts blaming you for anything, reverse babble.

But understand that you can't reason with him in any way. Waywards are not reasonable. Their reality is created in their own heads. Some wake up after a few months. Some wake up after a few years.

Some even move on and remarry the new love in their lives, but they do so without fixing what they have broken in themselves. So they end up in a new disaster a few years down the road.

So the best thing you can do for yourself is to execute the 180.
Start acting indifferent and like you're moving on with your life and I guarantee you'll see results. He wants you to beg and plead. Don't. Start moving on and he will respond to this.

My mother was stuck in the mode of begging for a looooong time. She begged and pleaded.

My dad didn't respond until she got mad, gave him a big Plan FU and started to take control of her own life.

She started to work out like a madwoman, getting in such great shape that she was on the border of being able to compete in fitness competitions.

She started going out with the girls and not waiting around for my dad.

She quit begging.

My dad responded.

He wanted to cake eat and tried to get my mom back, but he'd gone a bridge too far.

She'd had enough and was moving on.

He got really angry and stormed in on the my brother, sis, and I one night. He was upset that we weren't giving my mom grief over the fact that she was out with friends and that there was a guy in their group.

The kids exploded on him. It was the first time he faced the full unrestrained raged of his three kids. He left with his tail tucked between his legs and probably out of fear that my brother and I were standing up to him and were enraged to a point where our anger scared him.

Your kids will want to protect you and the rage they have inside is simmering. It will explode someday on him if this continues. But you have the responsibility as a mom to be strong for them and be aware that it is easy to get into the trap of having your kids try to become your protectors and that they will want to parent you.

The answer is to be indifferent right now and start to move on as if you don't care.

[TxMomw/2girls]

Ok you guys are the BEST!!!!!!!!... I was in a pitty party this morning... cried last night until mid-night (first night husband didn't stay here as he packed up yesterday a few things) - I was feeling so guilty for my marriage failing...

If it wasn't for these emails I would have stayed in that same mood all day.... thank you, thank you!!!

I did read "Torn Asunder" as well and it is all about Affairs and you are right - my husband is text book in his comments... they do state that affairs are an addiction... funny how the husbands don't have the "B@LLs" to tell us before they start fooling around that they are "unhappy" and have been...

Since my husband has only been in this A for 2 months or so I think he is at the height of the affair where emotions are running strong... he can tell me all day that it has nothing to do with her (which it really doesn't) but he would not be leaving or not trying to work on "us" if he didn't have OW... he'd have nothing to lose and everything to gain by working on this marriage... so the OW is part of the problem and clouding his decisions.... and depending how long this affair last he could risk losing everything in the process...

I had to see a lawyer - to file a petition - to hold all our finacnicals status quo - I didnt' trust that once he moved out he wouldn't go and spend our money on the OW.... he says he is in no rush to divorce so hopefully he'll hang tight and give this affair time to run it's course ... He is going to see a lawyer this week too...

I'm going to quit asking "questions" of H... I know he has maid comments about all the questions ... something I think he likes about the OW.. no pressure ( of course there isn't , he doesn't have 2 kids, dog, house, mortgage, bills with the OW)

thanks for the encouraging words and support - I'll update as the week goes on.... I'll need it.

[Trying2live]

Good girl! I know it sounds lame but keep going one foot in front of the next. My H already moved out in May and moved in with OW in August.
Your going to have a range of emotions and it's okay so don't be to hard on yourself. I'd be more worried if you didn't cry. I still cry, just in the shower or late at night so the kids do not feel worried about me.

Yes I think no more questions is a good call. Your not going to get answers you need or want. And think about it, the answers are not coming from clear thinking. I realized that all normal rational thinking is out the door. He couldn't give you an answer about anything if he wanted to and if he did it will most likely be your fault or justification of some sort.

Concentrate on you and GAL. I started a salsa class as part of GAL, i had to force myself. It was the best thing I had done. Find something that you enjoy or haven't done in a while. Anything, dance class, sign up at t gym whatever. Your going to need this to be able to make the long haul.

Become indifferent when he's around. Not rude,stale or obnoxious just indifferent. Act as if you are still going to live your life and be happy. You are competing with the OW who is always happy. As hard as it is appear strong confident and happy. That's what attracted him to you in the 1st place.
In the book I recommended the author, who is Christian by the way, used to own many recovery centers for drug addicts. He ended up with his Doctorate and now counsels couple on marriage and affairs. HE said he realized that he cannot treat the drug addicts any different than the ones who commit the affairs. If you are able to I highly recommend getting the book. It's Surviving An Affair by Dr. Willard Harley.

Yes and find out, if it's applicable what it was that attracted your husband to OW. Feel free to drop by my thread and read some of our posts. Most everyone who is on there is going through exactly what you are going through might be able to pick up some tips or at least know the things you are feeling and struggling over are normal. The thread is called: New Thread-Husband Moved in with OW(T2L).

[hope3343]

Hi TxMom,
this is one of the hardest journeys we will ever be on. We need to stay strong.
Hey T2L, see you joined in. TxMom - T2L is great and has wonderful advice for all. She has helped me so many days when things got really bad.
THe best book I read is Divorce remedy. Read the chapters on Mid Life Crisis and Infidelity. Also read the section about the "cheeseless tunnels". It was an eye opener. Then read the whole book.
Try to avoid any talk of Divorce with H. Sometimes this just pushes it further than you want to go. Do go to an atty for legal advice. I live in Texas also and unfortunately there is no "legal separation" only divorce. But Texas is a fault state so if need be you can charge him with adultery if need be. The court will not be very sympathetic to him especially with small children.
As for your H's statement "he does not believe people will change" - well look he changed (but of course we cannot tell him that!). What we cannot do is a wave a flag and say "look at me - I've changed" because they will not believe. What they will believe is seeing a new improved, strong you in action. Think back to what attracted your H to you originally. Always keep that in mind. I know it will be hard trying to create this perfect image with 2 small children but take one day at a time. Everyone here has your back. I pray for you and for the healing of your marriage.

[TxMomw/2girls]

OK here are some updates... I also post on Newcomers as I seem to be getting different responses and people.

To answer some of the questions...
I did decided to disclose to his Mom (but not the OW) as I could tell she could hardly handle the news I was giving her. She overwhelms easily. I also called his brother and then sent an email to him and his wife with all the OW details as I knew my H would not go there.

My family knows and now a couple of friends (my friends)

I want to somehow let his boss and the Ow Boss know without it coming from me. My H is having the A with one of his distributor sales reps... a big no no!! I think his boss would call him out on it. thoughts to this???

Also, I have been contemplating emailing the OW to tell her what she is getting into and all about his family history.... not sure this is the right move or not... I do feel like I want to shout it from the roof tops at what he is doing to his wife and babies... but I think that would be the end of us if I do this too.

Updates from this week: It has been three days since he packed up some stuff and moved... He didn't know where he was going to stay and I know this week he has been staying with OW.. which makes me sick (but on the other hand let them get sick of each other that much quicker)
He came to the house yesterday to get some work stuff ( we both work from home) I had left him a letter - similar approach from the book "love must be tough" telling him how if feel and that I won't tolerate him disrepecting me in our house while seeing the OW and poured out some heart felt feelings... felt this might be the last time I can do this. Anyhow, I think he was getting little choked up reading it.
He then came upstairs to the game room to say bye to our daughter and she kept asking him "why do you have to leave" can I go with you, when are you coming back etc... he left down the stairs in a hurry and was crying.. our Nanny told me he was crying when he left as well...
About damn time... I haven't seen any tears from this emotionalist man so I was excited that he is struggling ...

He came over this morning b/c I had to catch an early flight for work and he just says nothing... this person I could always talk too... he has no words to say to me anymore. It is driving me crazy... is this normal?? I decided after Monday I was going to stop asking questions, realizing that I wouldn't get answers anyhow, and try to go semi "dark" ... drives me crazy not knowing what he is doing.... how can he separate his family life of 10 yrs and turn it off and be with her and staying with her.... are they just ordering in pizza and watching movies... the OW being 25 has no obligations so I'm sure they can just do anything on the spur of the moment....

I want to ask him where he thinks he is going to be living???? He said he was going to try not to get an appt right now for expense purposes and not to have to move stuff out of the house... it is my right to know... but what if he says with her??

I'm sure this will get easier in time but being in our house alone and doing all this by myself is hard and I'm struggling and crying everyday... so hard.

please any feedback.... Oh I also gave him the divorce petition to hold everything status quo and I hope this doesn't back fire b/c I'm not ready to go down the divorce road yet...

hopeful!!!