Memories of today

[Beth 83]

WELL!

I've been MIA from the boards, but have been busy otherwise...

Historical recap:
H started an affair 7/06, I had no idea until he left 7/07 and I snooped later that night and found out. Our marriage had pretty much hit rock bottom. No sex life, no serious conversation, conflict avoidance. H and I both have our own personal issues, honestly, mine a lot less serious than his. I started seeing a therapist, he started and stopped. We started talking a little more this year, but he never talked about the OW and continued to wear his ring.

Lately, things have been heating up.

H stopped wearing his wedding ring in July/August? He started hanging out with me a lot more.

Big events that have happened:
*H came over in August, asked for a hug and then started crying, saying, "I'm so sorry. For everything. You were the last person who ever deserved any of that."
*H and I have talked a lot about the time apart and things that happened. We talked about my feelings about the seperation/affair.
*Last Thursday, he was over and he kept going into the bathroom b/c he "didn't feel well". I didn't believe him. I wrote out a text to my girlfriend about it, saying that I didn't believe he was sick and that I thought he was talking to "the horse". My girlfriend has the same 1st initial as husband. I sent the text to my H by accident. Yep. How horrendous. He came out of the bathroom, sorta laughing and then realized that I didn't mean to send it to him. I started crying:

H: is the horse (OW)?
Me: yes
H: that's not nice calling her a name
M: I don't care
M. When you were having an affair, I was completely oblivious and after we were separated, I started thinking about what you might have done behind my back, and one of them was you going into the bathroom when "you didn't feel good" and I was convinced you were actually blackberrying her.
H: So this was like a flashback today?
M: yes

We talked it out. I was so embarressed. He told me I didn't need to be that he completely understood and apologized for me feeling that way.

That sparked a Long weekend of talking. The rest of the night we shared stories. He said that he isn't with OW anymore. I sorta shrugged and said that I don't really care about what he has to say about that b/c he has "not been with her" before and then "been with her again". He said that he will never be with her again.

He said that he wished he could share things with me about OW so that I could understand how serious he was, but he doesn't b/c I shutter at her name. He said that he thinks that one day we will both get to the point that we will just feel sorry for her.

Everyone digest that?

We went on to spend the whole weekend together.
Friday: NYC. talked about OW and how "damaged" she is. I told him that i think he was giving her more credit and that she wasn't a victim that she chose her life. We had fun. I told him that I dated other people. He handled it well.

Saturday: Hung out, went to lunch. I went out with my cousins while he stayed at our house. I got home in time for Saturday Night Live and we watched that. He slept over our house (on the couch).

Sunday morning: We woke up, watched some morning new shows. Went to brunch. At brunch, I talked about keeping my last name (his last name). We talked about that a little and then I said, "Well, I don't know. Sometimes I want to be married to you still." H said, "there is no rush".

We continued to walk around the town we were in, arm in arm. Enjoying time.

Later that night, he was touching my feet. He said, "I guess if I was to suck on your toes, I would need to make out with you first." I shook my head.

We later had sex. It was honestly some of the best sex we've had in a LONG LONG time.

I feel.........WEIRD.

I had my therapist appointment today and told her. She wasn't surprised considering how much we'd shared.

Thoughts? Anyone? I need some feedback. I'm not ready to just jump back into things with him. I don't know..