Peicing but Angry and Confused.......HELP !

[native]

( This post should have been after the one below, but in pasting them here, I pasted this one first, read one below first)
Ok, this is crazy. W wants to get together to talk. Subject unknown, but she says she has ' a lot to talk about'.

I hope for the best, but I am afraid of disappointment. She has been much 'softer' towards me lately, with the hug on Saturday, and in a short phone conversation we had today, which was about a potentially incendiary subject re: who should have taken care of some after-school paperwork that is way past due.

We avoided a blow out. I texted later I knew it was a hassle, and to plz not be mad at me.

She called back to say it was taken care of and sounded very soft and vulnerable. As if to say, 'I'm not mad at you....' without saying it.

But anyway, I am really a bit worried. Very suspensefull. Don't want to get hopes up to be let down.

News flash: She just called and we've arranged to talk Tues. night at her mom's house. Hope to God this is going to be good news. This IS the first real R talk, as everything up to now has been an attempt to justify her misery and her decision to leave.

But this could be more of the same. I just don't know.

In the call, she asked me about some jobs I had applied for and had a lead for a job at the University that pays quite well. I told her I would be very interested in applying, as it is in line with my educational/professional background.

This has been a sticky point for us, ie: me having a salaried job that compensates for both of our incomes so she could quit work or change jobs and alleviate the stress of her situation.

This is almost unnerving. I feel like a fool to hope for good, but every indicator is positive.

I will update everyone.

[native]

(this was a reply to another thread, but it updates you, my encouragers to my present situation.)

My W announced in March '08 that she wanted a seperation.

I just got my first 'real' hug Sat.Sept.20th. (Six months later). If we end up working this thing out I anticipate another 6-10 mos. before she is willing to work on it.

THE HUG

W had been with D all day bc D was the flower girl at a friends wedding.

I was planning to attend the wedding but her 'friend' felt uncomfortable with me being there. That hurt, bc I wanted to watch D be the flower girl. Wife was very sympathetic to my feelings. (this isn't normal).


(...There had been an incident at friend's son's b'day party when I was blowing off some steam about my W as I had just endured a royal abuse session bc W was having period. Friend was apparantly sympathetic....with my W. Told W about it later. W was so angry with me she broke a mirror.

I don't know what 'friend' said, but I felt she overreacted in her sharing of this incident to W. I thought she (the friend)would understand how difficult it is for H's when W is unreasonably irritable due to period. Apparantly I have it backwards. I should empathise with their pain at having to go through the period. )

Anyway, on Sat W called from the church in a panic @ 3:00. D was hungry and unhappy. I talked W down off the ledge and brought a snack for D. I left and @ 20 min. later W called back to say thanks and to reassure me she was not frustrated with me. ( remarkable !)

I came to the reception an hour after that to p/u D so W could enjoy the reception. As D ran to me, I kneeled down to catch her in my arms, like we usually do whenever she sees me again.

In the corner of my eye, I saw my W beaming with a huge smile. (Very remarkable ! She doesn't smile much.)

More amazing is that she came over to me and gave me a genuine hug. I could not believe it. I didn't prolong it for fear of her deciding I was being smothering and D and I left shortly after.
I think W was relieved to pass D on to me. (Dealing with our D is something that seems difficult for her sometimes. So maybe I was her rescuer in this situation.) Whatever the reason, I was glad to get the completely unexpected hug.

I've begun to make a few attempts at GAling. Some friends of mine and I are talking about going camping soon. Took D to mountains Sun, and we explored Linville Caverns and took a short hike/picnic which she loved.

I also look forward to selling two older vehicles and replacing them with one better one. (Without her input on which one to get, or waiting forever for her to offer her opinion.)

Not to mention, I have more time to devote to my buisness/carreer and monetarily things are looking better already.

Oh yeah, the house is generally cleaner now, and I've begun to address some of the repair items that she has been unhappy about but would never offer help with, or help me with D so I could actually have time do deal with them.

So there is a bright side to this bad situation.

Edited by native (Today at 11:53 AM)

[native]

So, I am on pins and needles tonight.

W may just want me to sign seperation papers. Maybe just about all the crap related to her wish to be financially independent
( like getting her name off the mortgage - the only way to do that is to sell the house.)

It could really be anything, but I'm hopeful bc of the things I mentioned above. Can't stop thinking about it.

If you've been here b4, any advice appreciated.....

[native]

W is planning to attend my brother's B'day party on Fri. with D6 and I.

If the talk tonight is about her coming back, that means a lot of work is going to have to be done. We do not have a great history lately of getting through issues, but it may be b/c in the past few years she was not willing to work it out and so we never got anywhere.


I don't want her coming back and being angry all the time.

Or avoiding me and our D6.

Or leaving all the housework to me.

Her biggest issue seems to have centered around the loss of intimacy and romance. She said all the other issues can be worked out, but hasn't had any idea how she could feel romantic love for me again.

I wonder if she has been listening to the 'Light His Fire' tapes by Ellen Kriedman that I gave her. If so, she would have had a good insight into what she has been doing to contribute to the lack of romance in our R.

That hug on Sat. eve. was truly affectionate. There was warmth and life in it.

Frankly, if she is willing to work on R, I think it would be good if we remained apart for a few more weeks while we get some momentum going, rather than have her move back in asap.

But, I may be fooling myself in all of this. I could be completely misreading everything.

I will know after tonight.

[native]

Well, I misread.

We talked. It was about her need to be financially independent and her misery at feeling imprisoned in our relationship. The bank apparantly would not allow her to stop the automatic draft from her account b/c she was the 'gaurantor of the loan'.

This doesn't make much sense since I have generally made more $$$ that she has over the past few years, but that's another issue.

She admitted she was in escape mode and that it may be possible that in two months of being on her own ( not at her moms house) she may be willing to talk about the R.

She has not been listening to the Ellen Kriedman tapes, but did not offer to give them back. She said she had no cassete player to listen to them on. ( I pointed out the cassette player sitting on the counter, which I had already told her about earlier; she said 'Oh.'

There was no explaination about the affectionate hug, or the softer attitude.

She had even graciously accepted a small necklace I had picked up for her on a Sunday outing with D.

It seems to me that her behaviour and her words do not match.

We did get into some R talk (about the past) and I actually got some good info this time about why she never responded to my non-sexual affection when I first tried (for about 6 mos) at our counselor's suggestion. (and eventually gave up, due to no response). She said it was fear.

This answer would not have made any sense before the Bomb, but since then we have really acknowledged the impact of the 2 rapes she experienced the year before we got engaged.

Ended on a humourous note as I joked about getting together sometime,(regular talk might help her to keep me more in the know about where she is at) but not to wait by the phone.

So, I'm bummed, but its back to Dbing for me.

[MsMelancoly]

Hi native, Stay strong & keep what you are doing. Have your read the 5LL or His Needs Her Needs? If not I recommend them.

[native]

I have the 5LL by G.Chapman and His Needs/Her Needs by Dr. Harley.

The 5LL was introduced to us by our counselor about 2 yrs. ago and we both found it enlightening. However, neither of us followed through with it much. I think that there was too much friction already and neither of us were as motivated as we needed to be.

I got Dr. Harley's books 'Love Busters' and 'His Needs,Her Needs' when she dropped the bomb in Mar.

LB is supposed to be read first. I made the mistake of inviting W to read w/me. There is a section in LB that talks about verbal abuse. Unfortunately my W accuses me of verbal abuse and hearing this simply entrenched her in her decision to leave as it confirmed her beliefs.

So, it wasn't very helpful at the time.

I do appreciate your comment though. I am rereading the 5LL now and plan to read the others soon.

[native]

One thing my W said yesterday particularly frosts me.

She complained about the projects that got started around the house but never finished.

What is crazy is that the answer should be as obvious to her as it is to me.

In order to do projects one needs time and/or money. If you are doing them yourself, skill and inclination are also required.

If you are hiring them out, $$$ is required.

I explained to her what she already should know. $$$ has been tight (long story) so if they are to get done, I have to do them.

I have the skill and inclination, however....no time.

As long as W avoided any responsiblity for house or child, I was spending my weekends washing/cleaning/cooking (maintainence stuff) and taking care of child's needs, while she slept late, played on the computer, watched tv and during the last year, planned outings with a depressed single girl she met at work.

To explain this to her would be to state the obvious. And to infuriate her.

How could she not know ? Is she that disconnected from reality ?



W once indicated that she wanted regular maid service and a house without projects.

Yet maid service costs $$$, and we bought this house knowing full well the driveway was not paved and the garage was dilapidated. I did as much interior work as I could ( cosmetic) before we moved in, but some never got finished.

We had a $300/mo. mortgage before moving here, now its $1430/mo. This is what it cost to buy a livable old house in our town in a safe neighborhood 4 yrs. ago. (Other neighborhood was not a great place to raise children, but it is where we met).

But the house is 1938 vintage and does require maintainence and hasn't been remodeled completely. But that was obvious going in. So why did we buy this house when she did not want a project ? I think it was the cuteness and the fact it was in a much better neighborhood. And the fact it was less than a mile from her work.

Another rant: For over 6 mos. W searched MLS and we saw countless houses. She fell in love with almost 1/4 of them at first sight and had to be pryed away with a crowbar because of flaws that were obvious to me. She just has a habit of getting attached to houses easily. Actually, I think it's the thrill of buying crap that fuels her. With houses as with many other things, once the purchase is over, the thing sits neglected and ignored where she drops it.

[native]

Been reading a book titled 'I love you, but I'm not in love with you". Interesting. A lot of insightful analysis into the falling out of love syndrome.

One thing the author said (who is a counselor), is that the person who announces ILYBINILWY is that they most likely don't know the meaning of love to begin with.

For this reason, the one who hears the confession should not be burdened down with guilt that the problem or failure to love was all their fault, but to be reassured that the other partner has some responsibility in having helped get the couple to that place.

I have certainly felt that to be true, but not had that thought validated so much elsewhere.

It helps to know that experts in this phenomena have recognized it.

I guess in our culture, when a married person 'dumps' another, with all the attendent reasons and justifications that they tell their family and friends, it can seem like the 'dumpee' is an awful person.

I get a real creepy feeling everytime I'm around her many 'single' friends with whom I know she has poured her heart out. I feel defensive and want to tell the other side of the story. I feel I have been denigrated behind my back by the very person I have trusted the most to defend my reputation.

In her mind, I am all to blame. She has told me point blank: 'You ruined my life !' so, as far as she's concerned she bears no responsiblity in her present depression/pain/misery.

Not too good.....

[native]

This anonymous writing was in a newsletter by Nancy Wasson:

And You Wonder Why It Didn't Last

She married him because he was such a "strong man."
She divorced him because he was such a "dominating male."

He married her because she was so "fragile and cute."
He divorced her because she was so "weak and helpless."

She married him because "he is a good provider."
She divorced him because "all he thinks about is business."

He married her because "she reminds me of my mother."
He divorced her because "she's getting more like her mother every day."

She married him because he was "happy and romantic."
She divorced him because he was "shiftless and fun-loving."

He married her because she was "steady and sensible."
He divorced her because she was "boring and dull."

She married him because he was "the life of the party."
She divorced him because "he's a party boy."

—Anonymous

Nancy goes on to say that "the challenge is, of course, to work on yourself so that you can develop the skills needed to grow and evolve in your marriage. Often, individuals select a romantic partner to "complete them" or to contribute traits they don't feel they have.

In the case of the woman married to the "strong man" who became a "dominating male," for example, she may not see how things could have unfolded differently in the relationship if she had responded differently. If she had faced her fears of male anger and learned appropriate assertiveness skills, she may have found her own "strong woman."

It's all "food for thought." Remember the old saying that when you point a finger at someone else, you've got three other fingers pointing right back at you.

So instead of focusing on how to change your partner, focus on how you can change to become a better partner yourself."