Another one bites the dust

[No Longer BH]

Sara and Yoyo, thank you both for being there and your encouraging words. It has been so helpful. My S is doing much better today, Sunday nights tend to be the worst.

Gypsy, I LOVE your suggestions on the name change. Someone else had suggested that to me not to long ago I think I will do it. Not today, but give me until after my doc appointment. I might be a bumbling mess for a few days after that. We will see.

ImLin, You are such a positive influence here on this board. You are a shining light when all seems dark and lost. Please, never give up your positive outlook. So many people here need hope just to get through the pain and get to a stronger place. Thank you for being you.

Last night I did some soul searching after STBX left. I have been floppy between anger and dispair for the last week. Last night I had had enough of it. I was sick and tired of being sick and tired. So, I made the decision not to be. Yep, that's right, decided I am not going to be angry or sad anymore. What does it get me? Nothing but pain. I dont want that, I want to live. So, here is what I did.

First, I played a really happy song. Something I KNEW would make me bob my head and put a smile in my heart. It took awhile, trust me, but I finally got to that happier place. Then, I went and got a piece of paper. On it I wrote down in great detail everything that I am thankful for. Trust me, once I got on a roll I just kept adding and adding more. Even added things that I wished I had more of, because I am still grateful for what I do have. My god, my life could be so much worse than it is. Yeah, we are all going through a dark time, but it is only so that we can appreciate the light we do have in our lives. This transition is about US, not our WAS. I have let go of STBXH, I had to. I have put out to the universe what I want in my life so have to trust that one day it will come. Now it is my time to work on me so that I am in a healthy place to accept it when it comes. Even if STBXH walked in the door tomorrow declaring his love, I honestly would not be in a place to accept it, I am still not quite strong enough. These last couple of weeks have shown me that. This is MY journey and I refuse to look at his anymore. I know in my heart that this is where I am suppose to be in my life and I will not let this opportunity be wasted.

I took a long hard look at my life. I have a beautiful child who adores me and who is physically healthy. He has friends, is involved in our community and still can have a smile on his faces. I have many friends who care deeply for me. My best friend has been a pillar of support for me and will continue to do so. I am learning to care very deeply for myself as well as feel lucky with my life. I have a roof over my head, food on my table, a car to drive and clothes on my back. Do you know how many people in this world do NOT have a quarter of that? I am richer than 90% of the world, and I am not talking financially. How can I not feel blessed?

Our WAS left us. Ok, yeah it hurts, but there is nothing we can do to change that sitch. We can only work on our own lives and make the best of it. I personally no longer want to feel sad and horrible. I deserve happiness so have decided to give it to myself. Its funny, after I made my gratitude list, I actually started to cry because I could not believe how lucky I am. Yes, there are obsticles in my path but that should not keep me from walking it. When we learn to let go of the negative emotions, it does not let our WAS off the hook, it lets US off the hook. We no longer have to carry around all that ugliness inside us. They are going to feel the way they are going to feel, regaurdless of if we are angry/sad/happy/content. This journey is about me, and only me.

I also want you all to know that I could not have come this far if it wasnt for you picking me back up time and time again. It has been the process of knowing that I CAN get through each fall that has taught me how to have strength. I truly love you all and feel blessed for the love you have given to me, a complete stranger who is hurting at times. What does that say about the state of the world? I think a whole lot....that it is a pretty wonderful place!