All I can say is that in my H's case, he has obsessively been reading self-help books and trying to "fix" himself. So, if the amount of effort that a person puts into the process makes any difference on the timeline, I'd expect this one to be resolved more quickly than most. He is also seeing a Psychotherapist. He said he'd wanted S since March and had been unhappy for 1 year, so assuming this was true and he just didn't bother to say anything, then MAYBE there are only a couple of months remaining. I can see the signs retrospectively like most of us probably can...
OK I won't tell H not to come to Poland, just thought it would raise my mystique factor a lot! You're right though, he wants control over EVERYTHING. Even Jody commented on this...I don't expect him to come anyway. He just throws random things into conversation, and as he doesn't seem to be living in reality, I cannot IMAGINE him actually planning a trip. I guess if he did plan a trip, it would be momentous enough to be worth going into debt and getting into a tiff over...He IMd me a few weeks ago and thought I was still in Dublin when I was back in Poland. He also has no clue about when I am coming back for good. This seems to be like "D-Day" for him.
Anyway thanks for the post. FWIW it sounds like more men in MLC return to the marriage than those who aren't. I still have good feelings about your sitch, unless you've moved on to greener pastures...:)
ITH
Me:34 H:36 M:5 years T: 8 years Bomb: 07/17/08 I want to be separated for 6 months--I don't know what I want the outcome to be S 07/28/08-11/08/08 Living together ~7 months D Possibly busted?!?!!!
H said that I never supported him while in school, i.e. that I was not "emotionally there" and understanding of how busy he was. He always asked me to do the budget because he had no time.
In this case, I am not sure if it is better to ask for him to help or to continue to do it. He STILL bemoans how busy he is, and I want to be seen to be supportive. What if I do it, say that I am doing it because I know how busy he is, but that I would love his opinion/input on it if he has time? I do this anyway and he usually doesn't have one...
ITH
Me:34 H:36 M:5 years T: 8 years Bomb: 07/17/08 I want to be separated for 6 months--I don't know what I want the outcome to be S 07/28/08-11/08/08 Living together ~7 months D Possibly busted?!?!!!
Me:34 H:36 M:5 years T: 8 years Bomb: 07/17/08 I want to be separated for 6 months--I don't know what I want the outcome to be S 07/28/08-11/08/08 Living together ~7 months D Possibly busted?!?!!!
Me:34 H:36 M:5 years T: 8 years Bomb: 07/17/08 I want to be separated for 6 months--I don't know what I want the outcome to be S 07/28/08-11/08/08 Living together ~7 months D Possibly busted?!?!!!
Just journaling. NOTHING going on today in terms of H. I know we are not supposed to read too much into what the WAS does/says, but last night was really weird. I mean he started talking about how we need to get ahead on finances, and suddenly logged off. Sure, there could be any number of reasons why he did this, but this was the closest we've had to future talk in awhile and he bolted so to speak immediately after, and hasn't reached out since. I am just curious more than anything about what I might be able to do from my side to draw him back into that kind of conversation, without doing it directly...I was not pushy in any way on that conversation, didn't jump on the "we" and validated his going to Mexico even without mentioning me joining...
I've drafted an email about the budget. I get paid on Friday, so ideally I'll send it on Wednesday or Thursday but only after he initiates contact again. I feel comfortable with this as last night he said "sorry we are so poor". I am sure that on some level he knows we are so poor because of the separation, and that this is because of him. Of course I am not going to refer to it in ANY way. So here is my plan, unless something drastic happens to change it:
Send an email with the budget attached showing that we have a substantial shortfall next month, and mentioning that it's because we didn't have any leftover from this pay period like we'd originally thought. Mention once that it's good that we are paid up on his school, that this is the one good thing to come of it.
I will not make suggestions for how to cut things from the budget, but am mentioning what I have cut for myself, so hopefully he can get a bit of a clue. Then I'm just saying, any suggestions please let me know?
The next paragraph says that the end of October is better due to stock money, not sure how much it will be, but would like his input on how best to use this money.
Like I mentioned, he felt REALLY put out in the past when he had to do budget kind of things, so I think it will be better for me to continue, as long as I make it clear that I really need his help and advice.
Any thoughts here? I feel like some dominoes need to be pushed...
ITH
Me:34 H:36 M:5 years T: 8 years Bomb: 07/17/08 I want to be separated for 6 months--I don't know what I want the outcome to be S 07/28/08-11/08/08 Living together ~7 months D Possibly busted?!?!!!
Oh and now he's reached out again. It's so funny as if these aliens are psychic. Maybe they gain psychic powers when they are abducted, would make sense since they lose their touch with THIS world.
I was gossiping via chat with a male colleague from Dublin, COMPLETELY innocent but just enjoying the conversation, one of the first non-H conversations I've actually enjoyed in awhile when suddenly an IM from H pops up. "How are you?" Then he tells me he's "busy but OK", so I say "busy beaver", to which he responds "hell yeah". Not sure if I am meant to read anything into that. Anyway that's the extent of it. As I've said, confusion galore...if he's that busy, not sure why he's reaching out. I still think he's keeping tabs on me in some way. Well, I'm not going to say anything more. I just have this gut feeling that something is coming. I don't know what, but something...
ITH
Me:34 H:36 M:5 years T: 8 years Bomb: 07/17/08 I want to be separated for 6 months--I don't know what I want the outcome to be S 07/28/08-11/08/08 Living together ~7 months D Possibly busted?!?!!!
LoL ITH - Your DAM can't resist talking to you!!! I actually think it is cute how he reaches out for little, "hey, how's your day?" questions.
I think the idea for the email with the budget is a good idea because it makes him input some ideas for the finances. You are giving up some control and wanting him to tell you what he wants.
My DAM does need to talk to me pretty much every work day at least. I just wish I knew why, but I know, I can't figure out what he's thinking...
There are a few things in the budget that I HOPE he will notice as being ridiculous, e.g. 2 nights hotel in Dublin because I can't stay at my own house during these 3 months :). I have a business trip that I want to try and attend on October 7-8th, but I can't fly from here direct as it is too expensive to fly from here, and logistically a nightmare, so I'd route through Dublin, which would mean 1 night before and 1 night after the trip. Obviously my employer is not going to let me expense a night in a hotel in my own town. H will probably ask me not to go on this particular business trip, but I am seeing if he catches this at all...
Having lost touch with reality, he may not even notice! My guess is he sees only his own entertainment money in the budget. Anyway I'll hold off on sending the email until the last possible minute in case he brings up finances on his own again via IM.
ITH
Me:34 H:36 M:5 years T: 8 years Bomb: 07/17/08 I want to be separated for 6 months--I don't know what I want the outcome to be S 07/28/08-11/08/08 Living together ~7 months D Possibly busted?!?!!!
