I was unfaithful

[DanceQueen]

I'm glad you did not take offense, Max. And I'm glad maybe you did get a little wake up call there. I think that possibly your only hope will be to get really sheepish about the whole thing, not make any demands from him at all, and just accept the consequences. I think if you really pull back and accept things, that might give him the ability to be more compassionate toward your repentance. But pushing him or expecting him to do anything toward reconciliation is definitely going to simply push him away.

In case you forgot my situation....I had cheated during my marriage, and although we recovered from an affair in some ways....we really never got over it and we ended up divorced years later. So really, in retrospect, I guess I wish he would have just left me then, at the time of the affair. Because we struggled in vain after that for so many years. It takes full and real repair and rebuilding to make it work...and I don't think you can get there until and unless there is some kind of big change. You can't just go back and pretend it never happened and expect the marriage to survive. So maybe he is doing your marriage a favor by really cutting it off right now...working on himself...exploring his options....and then maybe in the future, if you have let go, he may see you as an option again.

My situation was nothing like yours in most ways, but I definitely understand the guilt and the feelings of loss for what I did. It was basically the biggest mistake of my life, and we are divorced now (for many other reasons too) and yes, I feel like a failure for that. But now...I am learning how to make amends with my old self, so that I don't ever make the same mistakes. I think I had to pay the final price in order to grow though....does that make sense?

DQ

[Molly44]

Not sure how to find your story but I am interested in learning it.

I have just finished the Db book and had begun a few weeks ago to put some ideas into practice . This led to some steps forwards and some steps back.

After your response I think the way I was behaving took on a new direction. I was Dbing but in my heart I had the thought that I had to let go. I really felt it. It does not mean I give up but just that I step back respectfully. You know what... we had the best day yet.

[DanceQueen]

Max,

Here is a link to my first post called "New here, getting acquainted". Please forgive the length of it...I can be long winded.

There may or may not be anything in there that helps you...our situations were very different in some ways.

http://www.divorcebusting.com/forums/ubb...rue#Post1403129

DQ

[SirPrizeMe]

Hey Maxy, yes, I've been quiet. Not because I got more family time tho. Just quiet is all.

When I said "she was fixing me up in her head" - I mean she actually suggested to me that I should go and date her friend. I mean explicitly she told me this. While we were still living in the house together. How weird.

DQ,

can't just go back and pretend it never happened and expect the marriage to survive.

That sure sounds right to me.

In my case, my W's suggestion and approach was more, "let's just forget this whole thing." Clearly not workable.

But now...I am learning how to make amends with my old self, so that I don't ever make the same mistakes. I think I had to pay the final price in order to grow though....does that make sense?

Yes, that makes a ton of sense.

[Molly44]

I have been Dbing for about a month now and making progress to a small extent wih getting a life. Trouble is I am confused about weather getting my own life is what I want.

I want to be happily married. I can be happily married to my H. Seems the best choice considering our history and children. BUT am I just settling because it is easier and secure ( even though he is WAH - I suppose )

how do I know ?

I know i feel happier when i am GAL. BUT I know i would be happier if married again.

Is there a test or quiz I can take ?

[SirPrizeMe]

What do you mean, a test or quiz?
Do you mean, a test to see if you should continue DBing? A test to see if you REALLY want to be married or you are just afraid of being NOT married?

I don't think there is a test.

I think the only way to find out is to get a life! And see if you change your mind over time, while waiting.

Someone smart once said, "Obstacles and brick walls are there for a reason: they let you know how badly you want to achieve your goals."

For now, whether you want to be married FOR REAL or not, You can't right now. You are effectively not married.

So, to help you decide, and to make sure you reach the right decision - you get a life, and you work on yourself, and you make yourself VERY attractive. And this getting-a-life - it will help him, too.

And if things go right, then he will come back to you, and you will reach out to him. But it could take a VERY long time. or even, forver.

Or, as you get a life, he may look at you and decide "that's not for me." Maybe you will discover that you have always wanted to be a motorcycle mechanic, and he won't like that. Or maybe you will become an astrologer, and he won't like that. Or maybe you will become an independent woman with no need for a husband, and in that case you won't want HIM. Or maybe you will decide you DO want a husband and you've waited long enough, and you will find someone new.

Regardless what happens, the getting-a-life is the important part. Whether you end up together or not, you will have succeeded - you will have gotten a life.

that make sense?

Maxine, I completely understand where you are coming from. I know the feeling. Not sure. Nothing wrong with what you're feeling. It's completely normal.

Give yourself some time.
and get a life!

[Molly44]

or you are just afraid of being NOT married?

Exactly. And its not financial or security, its just I hate not having a mate/partner . Someone to talk too, someone to take away concerns, someone elses trusted opinion, someone who has your back.

Is that enough to want to be married ?

No one will love my children as much as their father. What problems do I bring to my family by introducing another partner. Why would I want to do that ?

I wish I could just snap my fingers and be somewhere else in my life other than here. I am tired of this situation. I am definitley in a better place today than I was a month ago but it still is an ugly place.

Oh to have your patience SPM. I will not wait forever. I feel myself getting angrier and angrier inside. I do not act on it , but it is there.

Yet I got myself in this position, I should have no expectations of him - but I do. I want him to bre sorry , I want him to be lonely. Is that not hateful !!!!

How long have you been living alone ? does it get easier? - I suppose eveything gets easier!

[Esky94]

LE and SPM and DQ,

I've been reading this thread eyes wide like saucers because it's soooo much like my situation and so many questions are my questions.

At times I remind myself about an affirmation that "Just because I f*cked up, doesn't give me the right to give up". So here I am, reading the book and doing the coaching and GALing and going to counseling and reclaiming my masculine self to deal with old anxieties and fears that made me have the "A with porn" to begin with. I know I've changed. But I can't afford to jump on a pedestal and wave my arms saying "Look at me. Look at me!". She'd never believe it and has told me so.

At the same time, I'm starting to wake up from a fog and can see the nasty side of her character that I was blind to for all these years. I don't want to go back to that. And I remember people warning me about it, but I was blind with love. That nasty side was there, is there and probably will be there. Do I want that? Not really. But at the same time, I know if I don't accept her totally as she is, then why would anyone bother to get into a relationship with someone else if they didn't feel accepted. Now how is that supposed to work out?

[Esky94]

And what is a good marriage relationship anyway? Is it just agreeing to spend time together, taking care of the kids, working on things together, sharing a few orgasms , listening and disagreeing knowing that love underneath still supports us? Could I ever have it as simple as that with my W?

If I could get the past from my mind, it would be so much easier to work on the future. If I could get the past from my W's mind, it would be a helluva lot better.

I know I can't change her or control her right now. But can I remove any reasons for her changing in the future?

[Molly44]

I think that deciding what makes you happy in a marriage and recieving that happiness is what makes a good marriage.

By having a PA I took from my H the two most important thing he needed in the marriage and that was loyalty and being able to hold his head up high.

What I lacked in the marriage I would still lack today. That is attention. Do I think that I could get that from him? Yes. But it would take effort on his part. I want him to put effort in and he cant even be bothered phoning. That is because at this stage he does not want to be married.

I want to be married - but why?

today H had big heart to heart . I tried to avoid but did what I could by agreeing etc etc . It was tough. What he said was interesting and I would like to hear from any other male whose W had an PA, if they felt the same way at all.

He said that he does not feel hurt anymore or angry. What he is left with is a feeling of being ripped off in life. He said if that feeling went away then maybe he could find love again.
How does that feeling go away. We are trying to become totally finacially independent of one another. But that is going to take time.

Did anyone else feel ripped off in life and did the feeling go away ?

If I could get the past from my mind, it would be so much easier to work on the future. If I could get the past from my W's mind, it would be a helluva lot better.

Why do you need to get the past out of your mind ?

You know what you did wrong ? You must be sorry ? You have taken steps to correct.