Yeah, my brain is a hamster on a wheel running and running and not going anywhere :P I can see what you're saying that especially right now, I'm likely to attribute a negative interpretation to something instead of a positive one when both are equally likely. I don't feel like I'm suffering. I feel like I'm taking a beating for a reason and I'm starting to wonder if the reason is still valid.
I hear you about the swings from I should file to I am staying for the kids.
I am not sure i read all your threads but you have the same type of MO that I have / had. To recap, you know that your W is committing adultery now and has done so in the past. However, you are not willing to confront her with this becasue you think it will break up your marriage?
Ok., you know what i have been through and you know that I think alot like you in many ways.....this no confrontation mode puzzles me though. in esence you are saying if and when she decides to stop then maybe I'll take her back. So I will ask you a question you asked me....how much longer are you going to put up with this. Dan, please don't get me wrong...I have given my XW all the chances in the world and even forgiven her for what I thought was a fling. Honestly, I feel sorry for her now.....she has to live with what she has decided. In the past I would have said to anyone that presented this type of situation to me..."get the hell out....are you effen stupid waiting around?" Today however, after having gone through quite a bit of $h!t myself, i realize that it is much easier to talk when your own emotions are not involved. So....for what it is worth Dan and with all do respect...you know what needs to be done.....
Good luck man.....i don't care how much of a rotten husband you were....you should not have to endure this type of behaviour.
I have a friend of mine who is telling me that based on his sideline view of a number of divorces, I should be the one to file first. I'm not sure about that.
My son's birthday is Oct. 7th and I don't want to ruin his birthday, and I do want to consider a few things. So, I'm planning in my mind right now to confront her on Oct. 9th which is the Thursday after my son's birthday. Between now and then, I have an IC appointment and I plan to talk to a lawyer to see if there is any harm in waiting to file until after the confrontation or whether it is wiser to file first. I also need to balance what the lawyer says against what I think is best for the kids and for maintaining a cordial working relationship with my W. In either case, I'm resolute in my decision to confront her about her behavior on October 9th.
I knew about this months ago and I did nothing because I was afraid to be without her and for the sake of the kids. Now, I'm no longer afraid to be without her and the kids aren't getting what they need from me or from her. They aren't getting what they need from me because I'm busy dealing with her stuff and they aren't getting what they need from their Mom because she doesn't spend any time with them. Things need to change, and I've come to the place where I'm no longer willing to wait in the hopes that things will change without some sort of input into the system.
Talk to the attorney. If there's no advantage to filing first, you might think about holding off. I know how frustrated, hurt, betrayed, etc., etc., you are (truly, I know...I have honestly been there). But, I also know that life's full of surprises. I think you have to confront her, and you might even have to offer an ultimatum. But, make sure that you really can live the results. If you go with the ultimatum, you will have to follow through.
I'm not saying you shouldn't file (I myself waffle daily). I'm just saying that you need to have a clear understanding of the consequences of that action.
I think I mentioned before that I've given myself a date. I've made it clear to H that he left the M and that I expect him to file, but that if he doesn't file by my date (or if there are not significant changes in his dealings with me), that I will have to take that action. In the meantime, I'm going with the flow. He's not filed. I'm not sure he's going to. Somedays I think he's waffling as much as me.
Could I take him back and learn to trust him again if he were to change his mind? I don't know. I'll cross that bridge if it ever comes to that. But, I do know that he's not ready at this point to think about coming back and that I'm going to give him a few more months to figure out what he's losing. It's worth that few months to me.
I know Puppy believes in taking a very tough stance...that's not what I've done (in fact far from it...my H is cake eating). I did follow through on the appt. with the attorney...like I threatened to do when I confronted him. But, he did admit to me his wrongdoing, and so, I didn't take the hard road by filing. I saw his honesty as a sort of door opening.
I definitely see the merits to Puppy's approach...and am considering going that route in a few weeks...since my road is really rewarding him for his bad behavior! But, I also see that timing is important. If she's not to the point that she can think clearly, then the tough approach will very likely result in her just allowing you to proceed with the D. That's easier for her.
Just hang in there. You'll make the right decisions for you and for your sitch whatever they may be. I just don't want you to make those decisions based solely on anger, etc. Think them through carefully! Talking to the attorney and the IC will help for sure.
Good luck!!!
Amy
Me 39 H 36 S 7 S 4 T 15 M 12 H out 8/1/08 OW confirmed 8/6/08 D final on 6/12/09...I'm doing good!
Hi Dan, My cousin, who has seen countless divorces, recommended for me to file first. I dont know if it gives an advantage in the long run. I do know that by filing first you can possibly be the one to dictate by a status quo order that the kids stay where they are and you control the timing of locking down shared accounts.
The drawback of filing first is that your W would be very angry when she read the initial petition. Most attorneys will probably use a boiler plate asking for everything. I even told my W that what was being asked is not what I wanted, but she still threw a hissy fit.
My W just called me from the park where she and D5 were playing before taking kindergarten and a bee or wasp crawled up into my W's shorts and stung her. So, she calls me to ask what to do about the sting. I really wanted to tell her to call one of her OM. It was probably just habit on her part and doesn't really mean anything.
hey dan...you don`t know how many times i wanted to say something similar.
I know how you feel .... all of us hate this $h!t but we have to deal with. Deal with it with the least amount of pain possible for us and our kids.....
It might have been just habit, but that just adds to the drama of all this!!! She had a mini-crisis. She called you. Who else would have been there for her? When it comes right down to it, those are the things that she'll miss the most long term...who will she call when I bee stings her in the a@*? Who will understand how she feels when S8 breaks his arm falling off his bike, or D12 gets her heart broken for the first time, or D5 can't find her favorite stuffed animal? The list goes on and on!
You will be fine...not matter what!!! Good thing you didn't tell her to call OM...that wouldn't have gotten a good response!!! And, yes, you did say you hated all this...did I tell you that I DO TOO???!!!! I hate it for you and me and everyone else here on this BB trying to sort out the rest of their lives!!!!
Amy
Me 39 H 36 S 7 S 4 T 15 M 12 H out 8/1/08 OW confirmed 8/6/08 D final on 6/12/09...I'm doing good!
It is good that you are there for her in a crisis, but I dont know if it is enough for her to step outside her box and realize that you are there for her for life if she does not continue to destroy the marriage.
What is it about bees stings that make it feel like an electric shock? I have had a yellow jacket get in my shirt and sting me multiple times - if you could have filmed me at the time, I am certain that I invented a new dance style.
Oh yes, I do indeed know that we all hate all of this drama and uncertainty and um, stuff.
New question:
I'm not sure that I'm explaining this well, but, as I'm busy getting a life and detaching from all this drama and so on, I'm also noticing that I'm mentally moving on and part of that is that I'm relaxing the hard mental barriers that I've always kept up between myself and and other women. Has anyone else run into this?
