I predicted that I'd be back to here to grump in a couple of weeks, and here I am. Nothing major or earth-shattering, and it's something that we both know we can work through, but it's surely frustrating on some nights.
The current difficulty lies in the fact that my wife continues to frequently have a negative reaction or negative response to acts of spontaneous passion on my part. Sexual approaches that fit our usual 'pattern' late in the evening or on a weekend morning usually go well, for both of us. But if I try to break out of that pattern, such as joining her in the shower while the kids are off at school, or trying to get her to dress up in something sexy and show herself off to me, or even just give her a passionate kiss on the way out of the door in the morning (rather than a simple "good morning" peck), then her response is usually one of annoyance or even anger.
And with my own sexual self-confidence still very much on the mend, my reaction to this response is to have my own level of passion shut-down immediately. Even if I can get past her initial resistance and start to warm her up, that initial resistance throws me off course in a big way. And since, in such instances, it is MY level of passion which drives the entire encounter, if I loose it, then we both go nowhere.
There are two ways to approach this issue, as some will no doubt point out:
(1) Back off from the spontaneous, unplanned sexual approaches and stick with what works for a while. If I try something and she gets instantly annoyed, then back off immediately. "Keep it vanilla, keep it safe."
The problem is, the above was my approach for 20 years, and it doesn't work for her. In order to really be turned on by me as her man, she needs to feel my strength, my masculinity, and yes, my dominance in the sexual arena. The polite "is it alright if we....." or "would you like to....." approach is alright some of the time, but at other times she WANTS me to punch through her resistance and show her my strength and passion. It's not a game either, nor pretend resistance, it's her prim and proper Nice Girl or Dedicated Mother persona that I must overcome to bring out the vibrant, sexual woman underneath, the part of her that stay hidden. She needs me to help her break through that barrier so that we can BOTH thoroughly enjoy ourselves. Which leads to the second point:
(2) Then just MAN-UP and do it!
Easier said than done, when you have a long SSM history behind you. I'm still at the stage where it takes a LOT of nerve for me just TRY a spontaneous sexual approach, after a dry spell of many, many years where I had given up such things. And I think that she ought to do her part too: if I build up the nerve or courage to attempt something spontaneous then she needs to do all she can to not go with her initial, knee-jerk "NO WAI" response, but instead give me a change to sweep her up in my passion and carry us both along in a fun ride.
So, from the way that I see it: I need to continue to "man up" and break through my own insecurities in this department, while she needs to lower the intensity of her "blast shields" a notch or two, enough so that I can get through that barrier with my passion still intact.
Take care,
Bagheera
Me 50, W 45, M for 26 yrs S25, D23, S13, S10 20+ year SSM; recovery began Oct 2007
