This is only barely related to anything, but my brother is paralyzed from the armpits down from an auto accident. I was his caretaker after his accident for the next 2 years...
So yeah, paralyzed from the armpits down means, yeah, paralyzed down there.
It was so heartbreaking to go through the loss of his sex life along with him during that time after his acccident. I listened and loved him and did all I could...but of course, there is just nothing anyone can say that can make up for the loss of your ability to feel your penis or have an erection.
However, that was 15 years ago, and he has since then found "ways" of having a sex life....hurray for him.
Anyway - to all the people in life who struggle with physical disabilities, I have so much respect (I am sure that my brother's accident affected me in this way forever).
At one point when he was in intesive care, he had tubes down his throat and could not speak. He said later that being mute was the worst part of this whole ordeal, and that it would be much worse to be mute than to be paralyzed...because even though he can't feel his d*ck, he can at least tell his peeps that he loves them.
(he was on morphine when he said this though...LOL!)
Alright: I'm ready to stop squirming now and wish I hadn't said anything about it. We just get very personal here sometimes, and whether I like it or not, it's part of who I am, and effects my marriage and sex life.
That said, however, I keep my so-called disability incidental to my professional and private life, where it belongs. And so it should remain incidental here: I'm still the same Bagheera who's been around here these last many months now.
So stay cool about it guys.
Thanks,
-- B.
Me 50, W 45, M for 26 yrs S25, D23, S13, S10 20+ year SSM; recovery began Oct 2007
That says how I feel about yesterday in one word, which will go down as a milestone in our SSM recovery.
Setting the stage: the day before yesterday (Tuesday) we went to the counselor's office in the morning and I worked from home the rest of that day. Most of it, anyway. We ended up making love in the afternoon while the kids were still at school, a rare thing for us. Therefore, I didn't expect anything sexual to happen between us for a couple of days or so after that.
Yesterday (Wednesday), while I was away at work (and unbeknownst to me, of course), my wife had the house to herself and spent the day occasionally fantasizing, stimulating herself (but NOT to orgasm), and purposefully building and 'simmering' her level of sexual tension -- all for the purpose of springing it on me later that evening. Purely by coincidence, on my way home I stopped by the corner store and picked up a fresh bouquet of flowers and some candy for her, which I do frequently now, but the timing was great this time around. I came home to a cheerful and affectionate wife and sensed.....something....that I wasn't used to sensing in her in the early evening.
After initial greetings and the daily 'debrief,' at some point later we passed each other in the living room (while the kids were on the other side of the house), I took a chance and grabbed her from behind: firmly planting her in a 'spoon' position, one of my hands on her breasts and the other tilting her head back on my shoulder for a deep kiss. Now, on any other day, if I tried an explicitly sexual move like that while the kids were up and there were things to do, I would have gotten some definite resistance and even resentment (so I have to pick and choose my times carefully). Yesterday, however, she responded wonderfully and sensually from the start. It was fun.
The culmination of all this was, of course, a wonderful time in bed that evening -- I had a significantly more expressive and responsive tigress on my hands than usual, and we had a great time. She continued to push her own envelope in the bedroom as well, to both of our benefits.
So needless to say, I've been glowing today, and my wife has been thanked and complimented profusely for her efforts yesterday. It's a dream come true for me to watch and experience her working hard to bloom sensually and sexually, in a way that she never has enjoyed before. I'm thrilled.
Yesterday was definitely a "two steps forward" day.
-- B.
Me 50, W 45, M for 26 yrs S25, D23, S13, S10 20+ year SSM; recovery began Oct 2007
It wasn't all that long ago that I was here on this forum, reading about the recovery that IC and Mrs. IC were going through --> and wondering if I would ever see that kind of effort out of my own wife to improve our sex-life (for HERSELF as much as for US). But reading back over IC's early threads, I could also see the long road that it took him, and his wife, to get to the point that I was envious about.
That was nearly a year ago, and a LOT of progress has been made in that time. More than I dared hope for, but sought for anyway.
And yeah, it's likely that in a couple of weeks, I'll be back here whining or grumping about something or other, but my wife and I both hope that the roller coaster ride will start to settle out soon, with the dips and whirls a little further apart. I really don't post our successes here out of some desire to brag on my part -- I do it in order to document our progression, and show that it ain't an easy ride, with lots of ups and downs, but one which is well worth the effort.
-- B.
Me 50, W 45, M for 26 yrs S25, D23, S13, S10 20+ year SSM; recovery began Oct 2007
I predicted that I'd be back to here to grump in a couple of weeks, and here I am. Nothing major or earth-shattering, and it's something that we both know we can work through, but it's surely frustrating on some nights.
The current difficulty lies in the fact that my wife continues to frequently have a negative reaction or negative response to acts of spontaneous passion on my part. Sexual approaches that fit our usual 'pattern' late in the evening or on a weekend morning usually go well, for both of us. But if I try to break out of that pattern, such as joining her in the shower while the kids are off at school, or trying to get her to dress up in something sexy and show herself off to me, or even just give her a passionate kiss on the way out of the door in the morning (rather than a simple "good morning" peck), then her response is usually one of annoyance or even anger.
And with my own sexual self-confidence still very much on the mend, my reaction to this response is to have my own level of passion shut-down immediately. Even if I can get past her initial resistance and start to warm her up, that initial resistance throws me off course in a big way. And since, in such instances, it is MY level of passion which drives the entire encounter, if I loose it, then we both go nowhere.
There are two ways to approach this issue, as some will no doubt point out:
(1) Back off from the spontaneous, unplanned sexual approaches and stick with what works for a while. If I try something and she gets instantly annoyed, then back off immediately. "Keep it vanilla, keep it safe."
The problem is, the above was my approach for 20 years, and it doesn't work for her. In order to really be turned on by me as her man, she needs to feel my strength, my masculinity, and yes, my dominance in the sexual arena. The polite "is it alright if we....." or "would you like to....." approach is alright some of the time, but at other times she WANTS me to punch through her resistance and show her my strength and passion. It's not a game either, nor pretend resistance, it's her prim and proper Nice Girl or Dedicated Mother persona that I must overcome to bring out the vibrant, sexual woman underneath, the part of her that stay hidden. She needs me to help her break through that barrier so that we can BOTH thoroughly enjoy ourselves. Which leads to the second point:
(2) Then just MAN-UP and do it!
Easier said than done, when you have a long SSM history behind you. I'm still at the stage where it takes a LOT of nerve for me just TRY a spontaneous sexual approach, after a dry spell of many, many years where I had given up such things. And I think that she ought to do her part too: if I build up the nerve or courage to attempt something spontaneous then she needs to do all she can to not go with her initial, knee-jerk "NO WAI" response, but instead give me a change to sweep her up in my passion and carry us both along in a fun ride.
So, from the way that I see it: I need to continue to "man up" and break through my own insecurities in this department, while she needs to lower the intensity of her "blast shields" a notch or two, enough so that I can get through that barrier with my passion still intact.
Take care,
Bagheera
Me 50, W 45, M for 26 yrs S25, D23, S13, S10 20+ year SSM; recovery began Oct 2007
Wow Bagheera, you are something else I have to say! I am so impressed with what you and your wife have done, and are doing. Good for the both of you, and for the patience it must take to keep on going.
The more I read as time goes on, I honestly don't think I have it in me to do it. I have a question for you. I have been kind of relating to you in the sense that I'm the female version ( sorta ) of you. Hope you know what I mean there. So, in saying that, here's my question to you...... Don't you ever feel cheated? I mean, should it be that dang hard?? I know marriages and relationships are work, and I get that, BUT........ hell, should wanting a spouse or partner to want to " WANT " you be this much work?? Just a question...... and again, WOW to u !!
The more I read as time goes on, I honestly don't think I have it in me to do it. I have a question for you. I have been kind of relating to you in the sense that I'm the female version ( sorta ) of you. Hope you know what I mean there. So, in saying that, here's my question to you...... Don't you ever feel cheated? I mean, should it be that dang hard??
To be honest, yes, I have felt cheated in the past, before we started to fix things together. When my marriage was at it's worst, I felt like I had been sold a false bill of goods: and was now trapped with kids to support and be a father to, a wife who demanded an exclusively monogomous relationship while at the same time not desiring my physically. I was sexually pent up, felt taken for granted (as long as I brought in a paycheck and mowed the grass, that's all she seemed to expect from me), bitter, and not a nice guy to be around. I felt like she had pulled the post-marriage and post-first-child bait and switch, and the sensual, sexual woman I had initially married was gone for good, replaced by Mrs. Proper Mommy who has no time or energy for sex.
So I can understand that you are now in a very similar position, feeling cheated, trapped, pent-up, and bitter about the whole situation.
But it CAN change, and it is VERY MUCH worth the effort.
Even when my wife and I were at our most estranged, she was still the woman that I fell in love with, the mother of MY children, the woman who had stood by me through more adversity and struggle in life than I would have ever wished on anyone. We somehow managed to maintain enough of a connection, emotionally AND physically to keep us both hanging in there, sticking it out. If asked, we could both still recall the happier times of our meeting, courtship, and early marriage -- although such memories came with a grieving for something lost along the way. Neither of us cheated on the other, although both of us were tempted: me from the need for a physical connection, her for the need for an emotional connection.
There was one difference between us, however. My wife had reached the point that she had resigned herself to living in a parallel-life, mediocre marriage for the rest of her life. To her it was better than the unknown of trying to start over with someone else, and she is by nature very loyal and supporting, even when she herself is unhappy and not getting her needs met. I, on the other hand, simply could not stand to be in a sexless marriage for the rest of my life -- it felt like a prison sentence -- and for many years had resolved to stick it out only until the kids left home. When I hit the mid-40's in age, and went through my brand of mid-life crisis, I decided that I couldn't make myself wait that long: it was time to either fix the broken marriage or cut ties completely and try to find someone else to start over with.
However, I also felt like my wife, and my marriage, deserved every possible effort on my part to set it right. I knew that I could not walk away from it UNLESS I had done my very best to make it work out and repair it. I wouldn't be able to look back with a clear conscious otherwise.
So I set about getting past my anger and resentment, and educating myself on relationships, marriage, and how men and women approach sex and sexuality. I have a shelf full of sex and relationship books. And as I learned things, with may "Ah hah!" moments, I began to apply them in my marriage.
It takes patience, and small baby-steps, and the ability to keep at it day after day, reminding yourself constantly of that new action/reaction that you're trying to instill, until it becomes habit. And it takes being able to forgive yourself for the days that you back-slide and do it all wrong again. It takes extreme perseverance.
Has it been worth the effort? Damn straight it has. I have my lovely, sexy, sensual wife back again, and she's more of a tigress than I ever dreamed she'd be in bed. Yes, she still hides behind the Mrs. Proper Mommy persona by day, and sometimes by night, but I can accept that now -- because I know what delights wait under the starched apron and skirt....and how to bring them out to play again -- not as well or as often as I'd like still, but we'll get there.
Hang in there. I know it's hard as hell to have hope in your current situation, but it's there, underneath the piles of baggage.
-- B.
Me 50, W 45, M for 26 yrs S25, D23, S13, S10 20+ year SSM; recovery began Oct 2007
