Close encounters of the MLC kind

[hoosiermama]

Just to recap--I received my notice from the county clerk that H has filed. I'm copying and pasting some reflections from the end of my last thread that locked.

Yes, I have found that my divorce could not be busted either. Of course, it's "only" been 4 months, but H has never looked back once he started running to OW. And I think you have to have their attention for any 180's to work, but the only time I'm anything more than just an inconvenient bump in the road is when he rages at me. And that has been whenever I mention OW--I'm supposed to just play his game of denying her and taking 100% blame for the end of the marriage. Ummm, not. So it just has to run its course and D and I have to get a life and recreate our family.

From the time I was 10, it was just my mom and I. Her relatives--just a brother and his family--lived in another state and we never saw them, altho she stayed in touch with them. My dad's family, also in other states, were never close because apparently they never liked my mom; after my dad died I never heard from them again. Feeling that disconnected from everyone except my dysfunctional mother created a emptiness I've never been able to fill. It has defined my emotional life and been the cause of most of the stupid mistakes I've made in my life. Years of therapy later, at least I know this about myself, but I'm still alone. And I've managed to recreate my own growing up for my daughter. Why is it that we manage to do what we try hardest to avoid? What I haven't, and won't do is fill that void for us with more dysfunction. My mother's fear of being alone led her to a long-term destructive relationship with an abusive alcoholic. I was told at some point in my education for ministry that we can only move as much as 3 degrees away from our family of origin, and I angrily replied that that was untrue. However, I cried in front of our entire class because it frightened me so much and seemed so unfair. And here I am, living it out. How incredibly ironic. I guess that 3 degrees of difference will be that I will put my daughter and my values first and not try to fill the void with an addictive relationship. And that may make all the difference.

[fig]

you didn't put your daughte rint he same spot you were

your husband left
not you

and

she is in a much better spot
her mother (that's you hooooooooooooooooooooooser) is amazing and gifted and involved and proactive and on top of things and together and you are more than 3 degrees removed
simply for those things alone

[hoosiermama]

Thanks, fig. I hope she remembers it that way. We're kinda all each other has right now, so it better be good.

[sgctxok]

I guess that 3 degrees of difference will be that I will put my daughter and my values first and not try to fill the void with an addictive relationship. And that may make all the difference.

I don't think I understand the theory....and I don't know that I would buy it. Theories are just theories.


But I am sure...you make a difference.

[hoosiermama]

I'm researching and trying to find the reference for that--if only to be able to refute it. It's Bowen family systems theory, self-differentiation et al. And everything else I've read and studied about family systems is spot on. For me, it's a really good framework for understanding; it brought me through some difficulty after my last divorce, helped me define where the work is. I rail against having this define me, however.

[theoden]

Hoosier,

Read what you said about family of origin.

Don't know what to say, except it seems to be true, even though I don't want it to be.

My parents never got along, yet they never divorced. They both trash-talked each other to me. I was an only child. My character was shaped by being a peace-maker and I never learned to express my emotions/feelings well. My father was financially irresponsible, unmotivated and unsuccessful. My mother was bitter and constantly complained about how he ruined her life. She asked him to leave several times and he never did. Once, when I was 13, my mother asked my permission to go on a vacation with her old boyfriend. When I told her I didn't want her to go, she threw a hysterical temper tantrum and brow beat me into saying, "OK mom, go on a vacation with another man, who isn't my father." I was closer to my mom emotionally than my dad. He never really mentored me or was a classic strong father figure I could be proud of. I was ashamed of him. I swore I would never be my father.

Let's fast forward to my life.

My wife doesn't respect me. She's cheated on me. My kids are closer to their mom. I haven't invested in my kids the way I should have. I've floundered in my career and life-direction. My wife has asked me to leave several times.

My wife was raised in a strict fundamentalist home. Her parents marriage may be loveless -- I'm not sure. She felt oppressed and put down by her father. She now tells me she chose me because it was her way of perpetuating the model of abuse she was used to from her dad. I've become her father, in her mind.

I wanted Jesus to break these generational sins in my children's lives.

I've begged him.

Dunno.

--Theoden

[hoosiermama]

Hmmm--dysfunction. The gift that keeps on giving.

I really believe this is what is meant by "generational curses" and the "sins of the fathers (and mothers) being visited upon their children down through 7 generations." Until someone, somewhere gets help of some kind, breaks the pattern, becomes conscious of their behavior and responses and chooses to make (w)holy decisions.

You know your wife will say things that only make sense to her at this point. I've learned not to take most of it to heart, unless it "resonates" or feels like it's true, or unless it hurts really badly--which usually means there's some truth in it that I'm denying. The rest I chalk up to projection, justification, and just plain needing to hurt someone. I do believe we find spouses that can replicate our family issues so that we can continue to work them out--and I find that an interesting theological reflection. I thought I had done enough work the second time around to avoid this trap, but I don't think we ever do. It's that limited self-differentiation thing.
Have you become your father in your mind?

I don't know you well, but from what I've come to know you're not sleepwalking through life. Our kids know we're at least trying, and I know that counts for something.

[theoden]

Hoosier,

Yeah, it feels like I'm like him.

I feel the angry rebellion in my 2 oldest sons and I see how much they love their mom and it makes me feel like my dad.

About a year ago I brought flowers to his grave and apologized to him for being ashamed of him. For not reaching out to him in the last years of his life.

-- Theoden

[hoosiermama]

Hey, Theo--

I don't think you're like him.

What teenage boys aren't angry and rebellious? Are you sure that isn't the bigger factor?

I know you feel like your father right now; there are times I feel like my mother. But sometimes I wonder if I feel that way to make it easier for me to forgive her.

[hoosiermama]

My supervisor was in this morning (she doesn't work in the same building) to get me computer access to some databases and that kind of thing. And she mentioned that she was planning to retire in a year or two and had specifically hired me to be her replacement.

Hmmm. She doesn't even know me. I have a strong resume--after 30 years of nursing, I should have. And I don't even know exactly what she does! But I found it flattering--just thought I'd pass that along.

Finally reached my attorney after a week of playing phone tag. I have an appt October 1. H filed September 8--no wonder he was so nice to me that week. My L said H's L was a real whiner, would drag things out. Great.