I love what Forrest writes. He helps ME see your sitch even more clearly. Interesting that so much of what the two of us have to say seems synchronized.
My question for you about this weekend...
Is this enough to feed your soul as you continue on through this rebuilding of a marriage?
Because, make no mistake, you are NOT busting a divorce anymore.
You are rebuilding a marriage.
Ala "The Six Million Dollar Man"...better, stronger, faster.
I keep trying to remind you that you've seen so much progress, though I know the pace has not often been to your liking. Your wife has maintained the stance that she HAD to maintain. In fact, I find her approach to be somewhat admirable given the history you have shared with us.
I've long ago reached peace with the fact that the social life, complete with enjoying the alcohol, is a part of the life you two enjoy. It doesn't worry me like it used to. More and more we are catching glimpses of a woman who can handle the possibility of a future together WITHOUT needing to medicate.
Want another dose of fear?
You're the only one who can really derail this process now. Our buddy Forrest might say that you were ALWAYS the only one who could derail the process for that matter.
Are your changes for real? Do you feel them to your core, are they a part of every breath you take? Do you still feel the absolute anguish at how close you came to losing her? Is it vivid enough to make you run in the opposite direction from your old ways?
There will be many tests yet to come. I'm not saying this is a done deal. But you continue to experience SIGNIFICANT positives from your wife. You see, I believe that SHE has moved just a touch also. She has begun to believe, even if just a little bit.
The camping trip was a seminal moment for you in your relationship with her. Despite all the shortcomings you shared in telling your story, the one you never really focused on much turns out to be the one that really stood out to her.
You were willing, if even only for a weekend, to get a life.
You went without her.
I don't believe she thought you would.
And yet I believe she desperately wanted you to.
The young girls around the fire ring was an extra bonus that was handled very well on your part, and paid, I think, huge dividends in reinforcing in your wife's mind this VERY important thought:
NDS very well may have finally become the man that I fell hopelessly in love with, and now he may spend the rest of his life being that man with another woman.
The ball is in your court my friend.
Put away the neediness and the doubt. Continue to let loose the reigns of control that you used to exercise, which kept her bound in a life she did NOT want. Through your actions, show her each day how blessed you feel for still having her in your life. Continue to find great satisfaction in sharing HER interests, even when they don't coincide with yours.
Butterfly indeed...
Blessings,
Bill
"Don't tell me the sky is the limit when there are footprints on the moon."
