You can imagine what a lump this post has left in my throat! What an amazing child! Somehow I was surprised by the response? Why? I guess I still have this fantasy that when we put our hearts on the line our words will be received as they were meant. Stupid me! Guess you will have to work double duty in the love department but that won't be any problem for you.
I am like you Lis in that I love Fall. Somehow it makes me feel like everything is about to start over and also I have great memories from childhood. So get those decorations up and make it as special as it has always been for them. No doubt things have and will change but you are their constant, their rock.
I understood that Donna's X was trying to tell their son that his A did not cause the D. My point was that he is really probably not lying at all. It is probably better for all involved if they accept the truth of that.
Now, if Donna's X was trying to tell their son that there was no A, well, that is a flat out lie. Not sure what I'd want to do about that, I'd probably talk to a C.
As for using an X-spouse to moralize and teach kids lessons, I think there are plenty of other cases that can be used to teach kids morals. A child needs parents that they can love without feeling like they are betraying the other parent. If one parent paints the other parent as the evil-doer, that becomes pretty darn hard.
I think probably the best way to handle what info is shared with kids is this: Imagine you are reconciled and all is well. Then ask, what info would you want to have been shared with the kids and how would you want to have shared it? If you share that info in that manner, I think you'd probably be doing the best you could for your kids.
I think probably the best way to handle what info is shared with kids is this: Imagine you are reconciled and all is well. Then ask, what info would you want to have been shared with the kids and how would you want to have shared it? If you share that info in that manner, I think you'd probably be doing the best you could for your kids.
I am glad you brought this up, b/c this is how my therapist and I came to the conclusion on how to talk to he children.
X was told how I would proced with telling the children,about the Divorce. and he said ok.
He admitted to them lying about his GF, that was there from the beginning.
As for our marriage, I wanted the kids to know, my part of the demise. I, with the therapist told my children, I felt that they needed to know that their father was not ALL at fault, it was demise on both our parts. The lying of the GF was wrong, and they asked me, I told them the truth. I told X what i told the children also.
Blech, this is all so difficult.
Live Simply Love Generously Care Deeply Speak Kindly Leave the rest to God
Your son sounds like such a smart little man. A tribute to you and the mother you are. Your kids are going to grow into wonderful adults. You will see.
A child needs parents that they can love without feeling like they are betraying the other parent. If one parent paints the other parent as the evil-doer, that becomes pretty darn hard.
I agree with this, as hard as it may be. My son needs and loves his dad. It would come back and bite me if I was to push the issue about the affair, morality, who caused what, etc. I have backed off of it completely. He believes what he needs to believe right now, so he can love and be loved by both of us. In the end, that is what is most important.
OT - I want to respond to you over on my thread, because my response got really long....
I thnk what lissie was saying and what OT is saying is that there is no ONE person to blame
there are lots of things that contributed and it is ok to let them know that things that happened were wrong
i make mistakes all the time my kids know that] they also know that i will own up to those mistakes
their therapist said that it would make them feel less pressure to be perfect and that it would help them understand that no one thing everleads to the end of a relationship but there are a bunch of things from both peoplei nvovled that add up
and
it would help them understand that in no way are they responsible for even a little bit of that.
When I first started talking to the kids about what happened, I told S13 that mom and dad had stopped talking so that we could hear and understand each other. I think that is really the closest thing to the truth.
Having the third party involved certainly complicated things. I so wish that my kids had never had to see that side of their father, that their father was a better person than that. But I can't change what is. I can only let them see him as they will see him.
And with every conversation, I made it a point to let the kids know that this had NOTHING to do with them.
